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Can I have a Saturday night, feeling sorry for myself, moan

(12 Posts)
ArthurMcAffertyhastwocats Sat 20-Aug-11 20:19:26

I've been on my own, bringing up three children, since my ex walked out to live with his mistress last year. Most of the time we do fine - I've managed to get us back on our feet financially after a crappy divorce by working really hard, and saving loads. The children are fed, healthy and doing ok at school. People tell me I'm doing really well.

I'm fucking fed up. I hate being in on a Saturday night on my own - I could get a babysitter but everyone I know is married and busy, and spends Saturday nights on the sofa eating a takeaway.

I am sick of feeling 100% responsible for the long term welfare and happiness of three children - it's unbelievably tough not having someone around to pick up the slack. My ex is around, and does his fair share in terms of contact and maintenance but I can't rely on him to enforce behaviour standards - he says they never misbehave for him, and I can believe that because he fucking well walked out on them and they know on some level that his love is conditional, whereas mine isn't. My mother clearly thinks I am too lax with them - she's just finished telling me that I need to "set boundaries". Of course I set boundaries, that's why all hell breaks loose when they don't get what they want.

I'm tired of not being the parent I want to be. I yell loads, I get so impatient with them, and when they don't behave the way I think they should, I get this horrible panic that they are going to grow up like their father - selfish, irresponsible and thinking that they will get what they want without having to ever make any sacrifices.

Fuck. I haven't cried in months, and now I'm sitting here sobbing.

No need for anyone to reply to this, I just need to tell someone, and all my friends would look horrified, and try and tell me I'm doing fine. Which isn't what I need to hear - they are sweet and very supportive but totally without any clue of how difficult this is.

privatename Sat 20-Aug-11 20:30:08

it's really tough isn't it,sometimes having a good old cry helps you know,do you remember when you were a kid,really crying properly? i know i do blush,i would sob my heart out (can't remember what it was about) but i remember how it felt,and how much better i felt a bit later,letting it all out allowed me to move on.

I think as we become adults we don't do that anymore,we feel we should cope with everything,be strong and we hold our emotions inside,especially us lone parents,we have to be even more strong and grown-up.

I don't know about you but i still don't feel all grown up,can't quite believe i am mum to 5 kids!! still feel inside that i'm a youngster that needs protecting but here i am looking after young children!! (i'm 38 by the way!)

We have much on our plates,go easy on yourself,you're doing a great job,we're only human and can only do our best and we will make mistakes along the way,i've made plenty,have a wine with me...i only have enough for a small drink tonight,ran out but didn't realise,now the kid's are in bed so it's too late to nip to the spar!!!

Take care x

Mummalish Sat 20-Aug-11 20:32:12

Gosh, so sorry. I know how hard it is. It's a huge responsibility, and a thankless one at times. I know people say you are doing a good job, and it certainly sounds as if you are.

I know this doesn't help when you are exhausted and alone on a Saturday night, I feel for you there, as so am I!

Are you ready to venture out into the world of dating?

newhorizon Sat 20-Aug-11 20:43:30

I admire you, I find it extremely hard with just one (dd) and holding down a full-time job. My ex totally abandoned us in January of this year and has cut all contact, no mantenance...nothing! He's living in the UK, us in Ireland and he's getting married next month.

I know it's hard, but I knew I was the only one who could help me. I got more involved in my local community and as a result got to know loads more people. I also started internet dating, it's early days, but I'm now seeing a guy for the last three weeks, all seems to be going well. It's nice to go out for dinner, cinema and be treated like a woman rather someones mum. As a result, I'm not as irritable as I was. IMO you need a little time away from the kids and all responsibility that comes with it - you need need time for you.

Chin up and hopefully in the not distant future things will look much brighter.

ArthurMcAffertyhastwocats Sat 20-Aug-11 20:45:46

privatename, thanks - I am currently having an enormous glass of wine which I know will make me worse in the long run but which is quite nice right now. Eeek at the idea of running out, that really is a disaster. You are so right about the being grown up - I have a house, a responsible job, three kids and a car and inside I feel about 10. I'm the wrong side of 35 and not the young girl I still still think I am.

Mummalish - I can't imagine dating. I've never had a date. I have only had two serious boyfriends, one of which I married, and the other I broke up with when I was 18. So no experience on that front, and I'm hardly a catch. 3 children of varying degrees of brattishness, grey hair, and divorced. I promised myself I would give it 18 months to get over what happened and now that deadline is looming I can't imagine actually doing it. And where would I start? Internet dating just sounds so terrifying...

ArthurMcAffertyhastwocats Sat 20-Aug-11 20:49:55

Newhorizon, sounds like you're having a really difficult time. At least I've got some respite and he does, in fairness to him, pay a decent amount of maintenance without complaining. I should try a bit harder to count my blessings.

And that's exciting about the dates - perhaps I should just bite the bullet and get on with it. I still can't quite imagine what I would say on my profile - "saggy and sad mother of three seeks man with low standards who is happy to listen to me telling him about my latest parenting fuck up"?

Grrr. I should probably just avoid talking to my mother. Bless her, she tries to help but she hates my ex husband so very much that everything she says is coloured by that, and so there's a lot of "I am sure the children would be better behaved if he was stricter with them". Which frankly is just exhausting because what, exactly, does she think I can actually do about that?

Brainhurtsandconfused Sat 20-Aug-11 21:07:26

Arthur I know you're crying but you made me laugh tonight with your dating profile! grin. Pretty good going as I'm too feeling bloody fed up with it all tonight!

But tomorrow is another day! but would be good to be able to step off occasionally and have a break!

newhorizon Sat 20-Aug-11 21:14:13

Getting on with my life now thank god, my dd is suffering unfortunately. Funny, my mother foams at the mouth if my ex is even mentioned. They just want the best for us, but say it in the wrong way and it can be hurtful.

With regard to your profile, I didn't put anything on mine (except the basic stuff i.e. age, location etc). I always meant to complete it but used the excuse of not having the time. I did put my picture up, cringing as it was at the time and I had plenty of offers. I'm 40 now and I think it's the only way to go. I met the guys with an open mind and made my excuses if there was no attraction etc. I just met them for coffee, giving them 1/2 hour and stayed for longer if I enjoyed their company. Numerous of my friends have met their partners through dating sites and a couple have got married.

Bite the bullet - take it from me....it'll do you the world of good.

elastamum Sat 20-Aug-11 22:05:40

Arthur, you could be me 3 years ago. On my own with 2 boys, wrong side of 40 (by some way!), divorced after 10 years, trying to keep it all together. I'm a coper too, and people never realised how shit my life had become.

So I cut off my hair, got a FT job, lost some weight - easy with all the stress, and started dating. Over 12 months I dated numerous men until I met my lovely BF in Jan.

Am still living on my own with the DC, but at least I now feel someone cares about me. And romance when you have had your kids, sorted your life and dont need a partner is just lovely.

Try internet dating if you fancy a laugh. Dont worry about getting older, there are some lovely men out there who will like you for who you are. smile

flatbellyfella Sat 20-Aug-11 22:31:48

Agree with Elastamum,there are plenty of good honest
fellas out here that would be non judgmental about your
situation & love you wether you have grey hair are fat thin saggy
etc: real beauty is inside the person. Let yours shine out,

WKMum Sat 20-Aug-11 22:44:52

Arthur - I really feel for you, my love: it seriously is a pile of cr*p sometimes, isn't it?

So, so lonely and just so unbelievably exhausting. There are days when I just don't think I can carry on, but somehow I do: I guess we just have to, don't we?

I am with you 100% on total fear of internet dating. I can't imagine anything more terrifying: I will just have to remain a single hermit for the rest of my life I think!!

Stay strong and big hugs

xxx

ArthurMcAffertyhastwocats Sat 20-Aug-11 22:49:36

I had a bath, read the paper and did a bit of half
hearted tidying up. I feel a bit better now. Their dad is taking them
out for the day tomorrow so I am going to go and have lunch somewhere and read a book. And we're going away next week to Sicily, so I will probably do some packing and rejoice in how easy that is now I dont have to feel resentful about doing it all
myself. It's not all bad, was just having a down moment.

Maybe I should give the dating a go. What's the worst that can happen? Would be lovely to feel wanted again, it's been a while...

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