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Help xmas is coming, how to make it fair but good for my dd....

(20 Posts)
naughtyorouttacontrol Thu 18-Aug-11 19:34:40

DD is 4. Ex p always says he wants to see dd for xmas, I think he has in the past suggested he have her one year then me the next. I'm not so keen on this idea.

Last year I was going away for xmas. So dd stayed at exp's house xmas eve, woke up at his in the morning and I collected her about 12 to go on holiday.

The problem is, she didnt seem that excited (she was only 3 at the time). Exp lives alone, does not se his family much and I feel he would not be able to offer her a fun and happy xmas like I would.

We have been to court regarding access in the past but xmas agreements were not discussed at that time.

Just wondering if anyone has any suggestions as to how to make it fair enough for exp. But not comprising my dd's happiness.

Exp sees dd but is very inconsistant, sometimes gives money, sometimes doesn't and lets her down quite alot. So sometimes I feel there is no need to let him put me under pressure to do what he wants.

Please advise confused

redhappy Thu 18-Aug-11 20:03:43

I remember when I was a kid going between families on xmas day, ans being really jealous that everyone else got to stay in one place. This Xmas falls on xp's weekend to have them, and I've decided (so far) to go along with that. However, is is just starting to not stick to contact and money arrangements so that may change...

Do you live close? Could you drop her at her dads for a few hours in the day? Might keep the peace, and at 4 there's a good chance she'll remember it when she's older.

redhappy Thu 18-Aug-11 20:06:39

I realise I've just totally contradicted myself! I'm seeing it from my own childhood pov, and now as a single parent...I think there is no right answer sad

naughtyorouttacontrol Thu 18-Aug-11 20:42:15

Thank you for the reply, we do live near each other, but I like to go on holiday for xmas as my whole family goes away, and I dont want to have to stay here just to keep exp happy when I feel he doesnt deserve it.

redhappy Thu 18-Aug-11 21:10:32

Oh, well then I say definitely take her on holiday with you. As she gets older you could give her the option to choose as she gets older, depending how things pan out.I think being par5 of family traditions means a lot to a child.

naughtyorouttacontrol Thu 18-Aug-11 21:31:50

I would be more then happy to take her, but I think exp will kick up a stink and try to make my life hell. Last year he stopped giving me money for dd because I took her on holiday at xmas time. He has only just started giving money again in the last 3 months.

rubin Thu 18-Aug-11 21:36:34

How badly off would you be without his money? Perhaps it would be worth it to to keep things consistent and happy for you & your DD - ie going away with your family for Christmas.

littlemisssarcastic Thu 18-Aug-11 23:04:14

My DD spends one Xmas with me, and one Xmas with XP. I have no idea what they do for Xmas, but that seems fair to me.

My XP also doesn't spend any money on DD, but she loves to see him.

How do your DD and your XP get on generally?

piellabakewell Fri 19-Aug-11 10:41:33

Contact the CSA, why let her dad decide whether or not you deserve to have any money for her upbringing?

Riakin Fri 19-Aug-11 13:00:38


Generally the "done" thing between separated couples is to alternate. One parent have their child for the birthday, the other for Christmas.

Most agreements are met in this way. Second comes the 1/2 day rule where the custodian parent has child until after dinner. And thirdly comes the "you'll have them all day the day after".

By far the best for both child and the parents is the alternating day. I have to say that making a statement like:

"I'm not so keen on this idea"
and from redhappy "I've decided (so far) to go along with that"

Instantly starts to paint an all too familiar picture, and amongst other advisers who may be lurking about they will agree.

Why should each parent not get the same opportunity. I've heard all sorts of excuses before now, the most rediculous (a mother) refusing to let the Father have them on the morning on the Birthday because "I gave birth to her"... beggars belief.

redhappy Fri 19-Aug-11 17:01:43

Because exp has history of abusive behaviour, he is already saying he won't stick to contact agreement. I dont know what the situation will be like by Xmas, we only split in April. 'So far' he has put himself first rather than dcs, bur i woyld like to give him chance to do the best for them.

That's it ultimately, for me my child is not a possession to be shared out! I have my dcs interests at heart, and fair does not always mean equal.

Riakin Fri 19-Aug-11 18:55:06

for me my child is not a possession to be shared out!

Not to be shared out means you are treating our child as such... a possession.

I just don't get it. I see this day in day out... why are so many women interested in withholding their child. Most women deny contact owed to "safety concerns" which when they are examined and taken apart, amount to nothing more than their own insecurities and often to be as a benefit to themselves.

I'm sure many people on here will criticise me for saying such a thing, however those on here who mediate and provide support during separation and divorce will agree with that statement.

Your right, fair never means equal when it comes to separation, remember you have no rights when it comes to your child. But your child has the right to both parents...

naughtyorouttacontrol Fri 19-Aug-11 20:58:52

exp is also being funny about giving any money this month, as he is pissed off because my dd went on holiday with my mum for a week in england because I did not have any money to pay for childcare for dd, he would not pay for it so I had no choice as I was not able to take the time off work.

rubin - the only reason why I am not usre if i should take her on holiday for xmas is because we have got a court agreement, but I really dont think it states anything in it about xmas, so I guess I could take her. I have only had money from him for about months so I can do without it if need be.

littlemisssarcastic Sat 20-Aug-11 19:20:02

What has happened at Christmas every other year OP? Has DD always spent Xmas with you and your family?

Btw, I think involving the CSA is a good idea if your XP is withholding maintenance as and when he sees fit, depending on how he feels about things that have happened every month.

naughtyorouttacontrol Sun 21-Aug-11 20:04:41

when dd was 1 we spent xmas together us three and my brother.

when she was 2 exp was not seeing dd as I had stopped him (he was violent and damaged my property) so i stopped him from seeing her, and we spent it with my family on holiday.

Last xmas she was 3 and stayed at xp's house on xmas eve and I collected her about 12 and took her on holiday with my family.

I told exp that if he is not going to give me the money that he has agreed to give £150 per month then I will speak to the csa. He said I can speak to them if i like as he has 'sorted' himself out so that i will get even less then £150 per month. I'm not sure what exactly that means.

littlemisssarcastic Sun 21-Aug-11 21:05:06

Is your XP self employed? Or does he work for an employer PAYE?

Personally, I have only found the CSA to work for the RP without too much hassle if the XP is employed and likely to remain with the same employer for the foreseeable. The bigger the employer, the more success of getting payments to the RP ime, but other LP's may have other experiences.

What made you resume contact if your XP was violent enough to justify stopping contact?

elastamum Mon 22-Aug-11 00:03:42

I think contact arrangements and finance should be seperate. If him having her Xmas eve and morning means you can go away and works for everyone why not propose that. There is no hard and fast rule on what you have to do.

My Dc are older. And I agree they are not possessions to be shared, they have their own PoV. Last yr ex didnt want to see them at xmas as he was going away. This year he wanted them at his from 23rd to 29th. The DC's have said no way, they want some time at home. Even I was surprised at the strength of their reaction, so I have said I will drop them at his in time for Xmas dinner. It means I will spend 4 hrs in the car on xmas day, but if the DC are happy its worth it.

DioneTheDiabolist Mon 22-Aug-11 00:11:39

I invite ExH round on Xmas morning. He gets to see DS open his presents (if he comes on time) and stay for brunch, then we all leave. Ex goes wherever and we go to my family for dinner.

Maybe that sort of thing could work for you, but I have to agree, a child should be in their own home on christmas day.

signothetimes Mon 22-Aug-11 00:42:25

I have offered similar to dione to my ex in the past, he doesn't take the offer up. When we 1st split, he came over xmas eve, was therefore the morning when she got up to find her presents, I then dropped him off as his g/f's while DD & I went onto my parents. Offered the same set up the following year, he decided to spend xmas with the g/f. I put a lot of effort into making xmas special, do loads of stuff that I know ex wouldn't do, and DD would be gutted if she spent xmas at his with none of the 'magic' that happens with us. To some, that might not be reason enough to not go with alternative xmas etc. but it means a lot to DD so I'd be reluctant to give that up for her sake. I've always had an open door for ex, and access, and the same invitation goes out every xmas, he now chooses not to take that up so his loss. He's not asked for xmas with her so far, but that might change in the future. Not sure how I'll address that tbh. I'd like to think I'd be as fair as I could, but DD matters most to me, and unless the request came from her, I don't know that I'd want to change things for him if she isn't interested.

naughtyorouttacontrol Tue 23-Aug-11 09:13:24

Thank you all for the replies, at the moment I do not let exp into my house, I have lived here for nearly a year and have never let him come in once, but i suppose that if it mant i could keep dd with me for xmas day then I could let him in. But no way could we have xmas dinner together as my family dont like him and would not want to sit with him for dinner (even if they would do it for dd's sake I would feel awarkard as I know they dont like him and he doesnt like them).

littlemiss - i believe he is employed and has a few clients of his own so partly self employed as well.

He has never been violent with dd, he is more aggressive then violent I suppose. But did break down my door a few years ago.

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