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do you buy presents for ex and their family?

(12 Posts)
happygolucky0 Sun 14-Aug-11 20:04:10

My ds is almost 14 and I stopped the contact around 18 months ago with his Dad. well I never stopped the contact I stopped arranging it and said that ds has a phone and his dad only lives a 10 min walk away so ds can visit whenever he wants... but they never have contacted each other.
In the past his dad has taken ds to his parents home or out for the day (one lives abroad).
But my problem is presents for him and the family....ds had still recieved presents from some of his family. On speaking to ds he doesnt want to even buy a card for his dad for his Birthday. I am at a lost for what is the right thing to do? can anyone help or tell me what works for you.

MeMySonAndI Sun 14-Aug-11 20:41:25

Do... nothing. Your child is old enough to do things himself, you are no longer in friendly terms. Any attempt to be nice to him is likely to backfire.

If you are in good terms with the ex inlaws, then yes, buy presents send card. But if you are not, don't. It is not going to be appreciated and they may feel forced into reciprocate when they are not feeling like it either...

happygolucky0 Sun 14-Aug-11 21:02:33

Thanks for your reply MeMysonandI. It is difficult but you are right. It does my head in that ex and his family thinks a child is for xmas/birthday/easter what about the other 362 days of the year.? But I thought that I was having a bad attitude!! So it is good to hear someone elses view.

McCharlieMouse Sun 14-Aug-11 21:22:51

In my case I buy cards/ presents for the ex laws but that's because I'm still on good terms with them and I still see them. In terms of DS's Dad I make sure he makes a card (he's only 3) but that's it. Exh was a git to me so I'm buggered if I'm spending money on him! Once DS is old enough I'll leave it up to him.

I'd say at 14 your DS is old enough to do things himself.

Gonzo33 Tue 16-Aug-11 07:11:43

My ds is 10 and I leave him to make the decisions on whether he wants to buy his Father/Fathers family cards or gifts. Normally he doesn't bother.

mrsravelstein Tue 16-Aug-11 07:14:09

i get birthday presents & cards for ds1 (age 10) to give to exh and his 2 kids, but we are on good terms generally. in your circumstance i wouldn't worry about it at all.

niceguy2 Tue 16-Aug-11 13:21:16

I think at your son's age the best thing you can do is to understand why he has decided this and as long as you understand his logic (you don't have to agree) then your job is to support him.

And if that's no card/present then fair enough.

KnickersOnOnesHead Sat 20-Aug-11 01:25:01

I buy the card/present for exp from the dcs, but for his family off them, he buys.

happygolucky0 Sat 20-Aug-11 22:34:35

thanks for your replies everyone.

oksonowwhat Wed 24-Aug-11 20:33:28

I find this awkward too. I still buy presents for my ex partners sisters children as i think its nice as they are little and also a way of keeping all the kids in touch with each other. I am now finding it difficult to make a decision as to whether to buy for the ex mother and father in law as we have fallen out. I caused the row by arguing with them about the fact they do not think their son is out of order for stopping paying maintenance.
Saying that, i still encourage kids to give their dad something for birthdays etc as i think it shows they are the better person.

STIDW Wed 24-Aug-11 22:33:59

I've been separated for thirteen years and our children are both in their twenties but I give my ex and his sister small presents and buy their lunch on Christmas Day. It is never reciprocated but I think we have known each other for 33 years, 20 of them married, and gifting is about promoting harmony, peace and forgiviness.

I encouraged the children to send cards and presents because children learn by example about reconciliation, giving, not bearing grudges and how to maintain long term relationships.

ProcrastinatorGeneral Fri 26-Aug-11 00:38:59

I help the kids buy a present for their dad for birthday/father's day/christmas. They're too young to go and do it themselves. They have a penchant for buying cheesy teeshirts from Tesco at the minute. Long may the cheap ideas continue!

In your situation I think I would just leave it. Your son is 14, more than old enough to make the effort if he wants to.

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