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recently seperated, missing children

(9 Posts)
spats Sun 14-Aug-11 17:08:24

just recently separated (my choice) but having been with kids 24/7 for 9 years i am no having to give them to dad every other weekend and during week and it hurts not being with them.i cant do anything except mope around. people keep saying do something for yourself that cant do when got kids but i dont want to i just want to have them around. i live for the time i get them back and am thinking my life is never going to be happy again as i have this every other weekend. Will it get better??

NoNoNoMYDoIt Sun 14-Aug-11 19:16:41

spats - i was where you are a year ago. so you have my huge sympathy. i can't say it gets better. i still mourn for my kids when they aren't with me. but i have relaxed a little, knowing that they are happy and ok. so even though i still cry when i don't have them and probably always will, i do know that they are fine and i take a little consolation from that.

i don't want to go out - make new friends, party, do something nice for myself - when i haven't got the kids. because i don't want to be without them. ever. and i can't give myself permission to enjoy my time without the kids as that would mean to me that it was ok not being with them. and it's not.

maybe that will change for me, but it hasn't in a year.

stay strong - try and find someone to talk to. get to bed early, clean your house from top to bottom. these are the things i do when i haven't got the kids. i also plan and prepare things so that when they are back with me, everything is organised down to meals prepared, all chores done - and i can concentrate 100% on enjoying them and being there for them.

divorcedrama37 Sun 14-Aug-11 19:21:38

Hey I felt the same when the kids first went to their dads. I seperated two years ago(my choice) and now we are going thru the divorce. I ahve used the time to make new friends and do all the stuff that you cant do when you ahve the kids, watch a movie they would not be into, get a haircut, see friendfs, go to dinner, go to the pub, go on a date!! Its really hard, especially as their is a girlfriend on the scene now and they seem quite happy to play happy families.. . . something I could never get him to do so that hurts!! But it takes time, but use this new found freedom to do something for you, they are always going to be your babies and love being with you xx Good luck!

spats Mon 15-Aug-11 08:29:21

thanks for advice. do you know if there is a link that poeple are on for this kind of thing so there is some support for when i am heading for crisis??

NoNoNoMYDoIt Mon 15-Aug-11 21:40:50

spats - no, i haven't found any kind of support group for parents going through this sort of thing. and actually, you tend to get a slating on here for being pathetic if you post about how hard you find it, which is a shame...

twinkle1010 Tue 16-Aug-11 09:30:37

It gets easier. I split for H a year ago, divorcing at the moment. At first I used to cry and feel awful. Now I use that time productively to meet friends, watch films I never get to see, get hair done etc. Its a bit easier I think because its not a full weekend. (DD stays with STB xh one night midweek and one weekend night/day.)

gettingeasier Tue 16-Aug-11 14:14:21

Yes it gets easier and then, in my case , becomes enjoyable

I am just over 18 months split (he left for an ow) and at first I had to make sure the time was 100% filled when they were with him

Gradually this got less and less and I began to make good use of the time which in turn helped me recover and move on and enjoy life again

Now I love my time alone and usually have plans that I couldnt make otherwise

Although along the lines of an earlier post having my dc involved in a whole new family life complete with lots of dc etc was the hardest thing about my marriage breakdown and took far longer to get over than xh actually leaving

My advice would be to be open with friends and explain you need company atm when your dc are with him , all my friends are married but they were brilliant about making time for me in those first awful months

galwaygirl123 Tue 16-Aug-11 22:01:36

hi there i feelur pain i was there 4 yr ago when me and my ex split i went from been a 24/7 mum to a part time mum didnt know what do with myself my advice wuld be make use of ur spare time go out with friends go cinema go shoping what ever u enjoy u be a better mum for it as u will have used ur time in agud way and in turn will feel so much better i am going thriugh a bit dilema at min found out my boys dad was hurting them so have takeing them off him and now that i have them full time again there is not enough hours in the day and as for me time that gone out the window so if ur kids happy and safe where they r id say enjoy ur time and dont feel guilty i used crying every nite for my boys and now all i wish for is that they had a rite dad u luckly in one way their dad gud to them hope this helps and best luck feel free to mail me if u need a friendly ear

DrunkinChargeofLaptop Wed 17-Aug-11 23:35:38

H'm...knotty. One solution is go and work out. Some do, some don't. I lived in an apartment in a house that smelled of stew at 7pm so it was always a good idea to go to the gym or run then...BUT certainly just to watch something funny or write something you can read one day, or that your kid(s) can read someday. i do that. One day, so they can see what you went through. You may never give it to them - but you just might. Either way, it's fun to read back over it later.

My kids have gone on holiday (crying) with my ex's OW. They just can't bear her. It kills me. It hurts. I read a lot of things telling me to be mature about it but - hey. I can be honest here. It really sux.

Try to have some fun doing something you NEVER do with the DCs. I have just finished a huge glass of wine and am about to watch a video ALL BY MYSELF and HAPPY!

Did someone say there's chocolate in the house? OMG...grin

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