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anyone been single for a long time?

(36 Posts)
tranquilitygardens Sat 13-Aug-11 17:21:29

When ex and I split, I had loads of dates, and guys after me, I went out and saw some guys for a bit, then after about two years for a variety of reasons, I couldn't be bothered, it was like something in me had switched off towards men. I don't think it helped that after loads of abuse from my exh, I had some counselling and realsied the extent of the emotional abuse.

I am a woman in my thirties and I am not in the least bit interested in men at all, and before you say anything I am not interested in women either grin I have had many men come on to me, I am simply not interested.

Did anyone else have this or is it a case of too long single, or a bad experience?

I am quite happy to be single, I am self reliant, I don't have any desire at present for any more children.

I do think that it would be nice one day to have someone special in my life, and I am wondering if I anyone else has been in this position?

HarrietJones Sat 13-Aug-11 21:30:19

I was single for 5 years before I actually thought about being with someone else. I got together with dh about 8 months later

missmogwi Sat 13-Aug-11 22:26:04

Hi, I'm right there with you!

I am also in my 30's, been single mum for over 5yrs. I dated a bit at first but after a couple of years I too just couldnt be bothered. My ex did cheat on me and treated me like dirt after the split-long boring story! so I think that has something to do with it.

I'm pretty happy with my life, and if I think about being with anyone else I just cant see where they'd fit in with me and the kids! Although I think that maybe if I got out a bit more and met people maybe my outlook would change?!

I like to think if you're happy in yourself and just living your life then one day the right person will come along but then I'd have to make an effort and shave my legs a bit more often...swings and roundabouts lol.

SoftKittyWarmKitty Sat 13-Aug-11 22:32:16

Exactly the same situation as missmogwi. Exactly. Don't know if things will ever change for me, tbh. I like my life as it is and can't see myself compromising enough to have anyone in my and DS's life. Maybe I'm just set in my ways. Or maybe I'm just a miserable cow grin.

missmogwi Sat 13-Aug-11 22:59:52

I'm definitley a miserable cow me!

And tranquility at least you have the option as you have guys after you! Do you all think maybe sometimes we're made to feel as though we SHOULD be looking for someone? "Are you still on your own??" etc.

My best friend who is also single mum and I often have this conversation. The only time I really wish I had a fella is when something breaks and I have to resort to my own level of DIY which involves either; a. turn it off wait ten seconds and then back on or b. no nails.:D

tranquilitygardens Sun 14-Aug-11 00:12:40

That is so funny Miss, I have to say I also, miss a man when there is something that needs doing that requires a mans strength around the home.

I am sure that it is only men that benefit from marriage anyways, and the kids having just one parent, don't really need to share the one parent with a new guy, so having a guy you see from time to time, when the right one comes along sounds like the way to go.

TheOriginalNutcracker Sun 14-Aug-11 00:29:19

5 and a half years here. Not had a single date since i split with xp.

I have had a no strings fling but ended it because I liked him too much.

I absolutly hate being single but have accepted that this is how it is going to be. I have tried dating sites but always get the same type of men (old or weirdos) and i don't go out anywhere near often enough to meet anyone that way.

CHBitchy Sun 14-Aug-11 00:38:38

"Do you all think maybe sometimes we're made to feel as though we SHOULD be looking for someone? "Are you still on your own??"" Oh yes. there is still a large portion of society who expects us to be looking for a partner.

Is it wrong to like being single? Perhaps i might feel differently if i didn't have ds. But i like being single. I am in no hurry to find someone. And I haven't the time or energy to be messing about with the dating field. If and when I find a man it will be because i feel it is what i want and not because it is expected of me.

Gonzo33 Sun 14-Aug-11 05:26:08

I met my husband 6 years after being a single parent. I wasn't "looking" for a fella at all. I was happy in my singledom with my ds getting on with life.

I think there is some truth in feeling like society want you to be looking for a partner.

If I am honest my main fear was going from one disaster to another.

littlemum007 Thu 18-Aug-11 10:04:59

It was good to read some of your ads. I've been single for 13.5 years!!!!! It has been really tough and at times I've come close to cracking up but it wasn't because I didn't have a man! After the initial panic of not being with someone, caring for my son took over and then became the norm. I didn't miss it. That said, I have just struck up a relationship of sorts (internet) because I now feel that I need to get out more!! The only thing I don't like about single is going to school social occasions and the like because obviously I go alone and I must admit I'm sure it must look a bit sad!

foolmeonce Thu 18-Aug-11 15:19:45

I've been officially single for about 13 years as well. I've dated during that time, but never cohabited or married, and I had a period of about 5 years of complete celibacy. I think it's been really healthy to have that time on my own to focus on my own needs/interests and those of my children. I have studied two degrees and I've achieved in a few sports/hobbies which demand a lot of commitment and I'm sure I wouldn't have had time to do that if I'd been nurturing a relationship as well.

It takes a certain confidence to cope with all the household/financial tasks and social occasions on your own, and I think a lot of lone parents rush into relationships because they fear being alone and can't manage everything on their own. I actually prefer having full autonomy over my own life and being able to make the decisions in my family. I have been seeing someone for the past four years but I have no intention of moving in or marrying, I like my independence too much.

littlemum007 Sat 20-Aug-11 23:11:00

Foolmeonce - I was pleased to read your post.. in fact I was quite comforted... I took a degree in law (although regrettably I'm not employed because apparently it carries no weight after 6-7 years! Oh, dear, all the debt) - I too, have sort of found someone (argh! the internet) with whom I have been exchanging copious daily emails with... he sounds lovely too... thing is, I am a size 20 now, I've told him I'm overweight but I have not divulged by how much... he wants to meet and we have arranged 4th September (son goes back to school).... I'd do anything in the world to find a solution but I am afraid that the only solution I can find is to say, some other time!

Meglet Sun 21-Aug-11 12:49:02

Almost 3 years. No dates, no intention of any dates and few babysitters if I got a date.

I managed to be single for 7 years before I had kids, I don't hold out much hope of finding a partner when I have 2 small children and a job to hold down!

Bandwithering Sun 21-Aug-11 12:53:19

I'm like a lot of you. single four years and no intention of dating right now.

I recognise the difference between having walls up around myself and just not actively seeking though!!! I think I am emotionally ready now but the reality is that you have to go out looking and actively seek a relationship and it's that that I'm not ready for!!!

But also, i can see looking back on my life now (early 40s now) that being with a man does not equal happiness, so a part of me thinks really what is the point? Also I have some goals now and having a bf or dating or trying to look for a date mgiht get in the way of my goals.

Bandwithering Sun 21-Aug-11 12:56:23

@ gonzo and chbitchy, yeah yeah yeah!! so often asked by people "have you met anybody yet ??

I don't understand ! why 'yet' ? was I looking? is there a time limit? are people losing patience with me now!

wrongweek Mon 22-Aug-11 10:30:37

Ive been single for nearly 3 years. Ive had a few one night things, well, 3 and thats it. No sex for a year.

At times i would really like some company, or actually, to just matter to someone other than my family and it would be lovely to have somone being kind and caring towards me, because they wanted to, because they loved me.

However, As the time has gone on, i really cant see it happening. I dont come into any day to day contact with men, online dating is a sea of nutcases and any free time i do get is ususally booked up months in advance doing things with friends and family. Im not even sure i would want to make myself vunerable to someone ever again.

I thought id miss sex, ive got a very high sex drive, but ann summers takes care of that, what i do miss sometimes, is just the fact that its just me, all of the time. I dont ever have a plus one and im always on my own.

IF you listen to others ( married peoples) dating advice, it seems to be based on when everyone was early 20's, they say things like ' just go to a pub and snog someone and then they are your boyfriend' except it doesnt seem to work like that any more and just isnt that simple.

So, depsite still hoping one day something might change, i have actually, kind of given up. Not in a sad way, just an acceptance that this is how it is.

Bandwithering Mon 22-Aug-11 16:24:23

yeah same here. I accept it how it is. Partly because it's seriously not that bad! and partly because really, you just have to be realistic.

oksonowwhat Wed 24-Aug-11 21:10:52

Ive been single nearly 2 and half years now. I also have been completely uninterested in men. Definately put a wall up and actually had alot of hate for them but that seems to be fading a little now. I kind of miss sex recently, but not enough to go and find another mansmile I have actually been wondering if its women i'm interested in as i am so anti men.....

I also miss having someone around to do the diy etc., I know women are capable of doing these things but i just don't know where to start and i'm scared of wasting money having a go and it going wrong.

I have also put on weight i'm about a size 16 now and quite short so definately over weight. I feel abit self conscious and don't feel anyone would find me attractive. A guy at work said he was surprised i hadn't been snapped up and i found that amazing as i don't feel like that at all!

If i'm honest i think i will always be on my own now as to be blunt, i can never see myself feeling comfortable enough to ever get in a sexual relationship again.

Also, i love my time alone and i am aware i am becoming quite selfish in that respect.

crazynanna Wed 24-Aug-11 21:13:00

5 years. Just me and my wabbit grin

STIDW Wed 24-Aug-11 22:10:47

I've been single for thirteen years and don't need someone to DIY (I'm an engineer) but I'm definitely not interested in women. Maybe I'll get around to a relationship sometime but I quite like being on my own and doing my own thing.

ChizChizChiz Fri 26-Aug-11 13:24:54

I've been single for the last 8 years, with odd ONS/short fling but absolutely no 'proper' relationships. I have internet dated on and off, usually after a run of Saturday nights in on my own smile... but found it pretty boring and unfulfilling.

In those 8 years I've been back to university for three years to get a professional qualification, changed careers, moved house twice, got my ds through school, built a good relationship with xh, made a load of amazing friends, joined a choir, travelled and built a LOT of flatpack! I've just been promoted at work and in October I start a master's degree...

I've loved being single. It's given me the freedom and, actually, the confidence to do whatever I wanted to do. And without sounding too vomit-worthy, I've found out a lot about myself. I like me. I think I'm okay. I've got opinions. I can make friends. I am capable. I'm even quite good at some stuff grin

And now, probably because I'm very comfortable with myself and know I can be very happy on my own - I've met someone delightful. I have no expectations of him - we're just having a lovely time. Who knows? Spending most of my 30s as a single person was a brilliant experience - I'm rather looking forward to seeing what my 40s hold!

gettingeasier Fri 26-Aug-11 18:52:36

Enjoying this thread been single 19 + months and am happy but sort of feel I shouldnt be as I live in couples land !!

Telling my friend the other day about this company called Single Solutions and she went into a mini rant about why do we need a solution to be single , shes so right grin

I wish I wasnt the only (bar one) single person I know although I have to say all my friends are very good at acting single and making lots of time for me. Actually I think a couple of them would be happy to swap places grin

pickgo Fri 26-Aug-11 22:24:46

When I was married I remember being so envious of my single friend, going home to her own place, watching the tv she fancied, eating what she liked, planning the days out she fancied - and now that's just what I do!

Beware Ikea aka 'couple kingdom' for making you feel like you're missing something grin

Re DIY (jobs not ... erm in the other sense iyswim) - just get a good book like the B & Q one and start small. I put in a new bathroom in the spring myself and every time I go in I get a little proud thrill...'I did that'.

AmIthatbad Sat 27-Aug-11 00:27:03

What a lovely, inspiring thread

I have not been in any sort of relationship for over 7 years and if I am honest, I thought that I hated being single.

TheOriginalNutcracker - I feel exactly the same way as you, and would totally agree about the internet dating thing too. So many people tell me "oh, you need to get into internet dating" as if that will miraculously find me a relationship. Sadly not. And now that I am in my 40s, it would appear that I have now become invisible

pickgo - well done on the bathroom!! Seriously. I am useless at DIY, but I did buy and assemble a fire and fireplace for the living room. There were a lot of self-pitying tears as I did it, and the fire doesn't fit in right, and the mantelpiece is a bit wonky, but I am pleased with myself for doing it.

All the comments here about being happy to be single - well I know that I should be and I take on board that I/we have so much to be positive about, but I am just not quite there yet.

All it takes is being unable to open one jar, before all the feelings of loneliness come back.

Birthday next month and again I will be spending it the same as every other day.

It is reassuring to hear from all of you that it will improve and hopefully I can stop feeling sorry for myself, and feeling so jealous of all the couples (and I know how destructive an emotion that is) and get on with enjoying what I do have.

SuePurblybilt Sat 27-Aug-11 00:47:16

I've been single for about a year, then another year and a half before that (briefly got back together with Ex). Other than missing physical closeness - not shagging, more general intimacy - I am in no hurry at all.
I'd say I'm mentally ready now but I am busy getting my life in order, I've no time for a man atm.

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