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need some advice ex partner hurting my boys

(13 Posts)
galwaygirl123 Wed 10-Aug-11 23:33:21

hi all i am just new here so forgive me if i dont get it right posting this i am a mum to 3 boys 7.9and 10 me and their dad split up 4yr ago so i gave him access to the boys through a court order we r unmarried now my prob is for the last 6 mon my boys have been telling me that their dad has locked them in a room hit them with his jeans belt and constantly shouts at them and puts them down now i went to a social worker for some help she met my kids they told her what was happening and even saw it herself one day she told me there was nothing she could do and to go back to coyrt tell i was shocked by her ans so off i go to make the app for a court date in the meantime i was llokking at my boys falling apart so 3 weeks it all came to ahead my 10 yr old refused to go back to his dad so his dad gave me permission to take him with me that was ok last week my 7 and 9 year old did same thing he managed to get them to go to him but then drove off and left them on the side the road so i took them home with me now 3 boys with me ever since i have got a letter from ex sol saying i am going be arrested for breaking a court order and that now their dad going to look for full custody i am so afraid what going to happen with this and how it going to affect my boys do i give them back knowing what going on and what he does to them or do i fight my corner by keeping them and know their safe and let a judge decide what happens to me for breaking court order any help with this wuld be great

GypsyMoth Wed 10-Aug-11 23:37:35

you fight their corner

offer contact in a contact centre til it gets back to court

galwaygirl123 Wed 10-Aug-11 23:45:09

hi tk u for the mes yea have taught bout access centre but dont know much bout them and if it a gud place for my boys to go am so confused and afraid if i make a wrong decision its them that will suffer

lisad123 Wed 10-Aug-11 23:48:28

called the police, its abuse.

galwaygirl123 Thu 11-Aug-11 00:03:57

hi lisad123 tk u for ur mes i did go to the cops they told me go to court that what every prof seems be tell me but they dont tell me what do in the meantime swear to god u wuldnt believe how many doors i have knocked on over last 6 months feel drained from it and geting no where

gillybean2 Thu 11-Aug-11 12:22:03

You don't need to go to court. Your dc are being abused, you should stop contact and offer a contact centre instead. Otherwise you could be in trouble for knowingly putting them at risk.

Let your ex take you back to court if he is unhappy about that and tell the court why then. In the mean time write to him, via a solicitor or ask your Citizen's Advice Bureau to help you write the letter. Send your letter recorded delivery and keep a copy.

Keep your letter factual and to the point. Explain that you are stopping contact because you believe he is abusing the dc and you do not regard the current contact to be in their best interests. Offer contact at a contact centre in the mean time and suggest mediation as a way of discussing the situation further.

Doing that will show you are trying to be reasonable if he takes it back to court.

Document everything, times, dates, location, what happened. Keep texts and emails and anything that you may need in court should it come to that.

Contact is for the benefit of your dc. No court is going to put you in jail, least of all for trying to protect your dc. But you need the evidence to support your reasons for stopping contact and offering a contact centre and mediation instead. Make sure you have it.

lastupenda Sun 14-Aug-11 09:01:37

Gillybean is right. Stop contact. Don't forget all family courts have the CHILDREN's best interests at heart, not the bully's. You are right to be on your guard, and documenting everything is crucial because someone who behaves like this will stop at nothing to punish you and to 'win'. He will, likely, deny everything and try to lie and say you are bitching about him to the children, trying to influence how they feel about him - sometimes called PAS) because that's what bullies do. They try to cover things up and they blame. It really would be a good idea to keep a written diary, with dates, of every event that's upset the children. Don't exaggerate - just the hard facts.
But right now if he's hit the children and locked them up and scared them there should be no contact at all.

Will the kids understand this? Can you explain it to them in a neutral kind of way that doesn't make them hate their dad? He's already doing enough damage on his own.

The other thing is, will he threaten you personally if you stop contact? These situations often happen because the XP is losing control, which makes them even more angry. Is he hitting the boys because he's mad at them, or because he wants to hurt you? You say you 'gave' him access to the boys but really in a neutral situation he is entitled to access/contact (just as the kids are entitled to see him) unless there's a good reason why not. Seems there a quite a few who never like being 'told what to do' about when they can see their kids and find the contact situation v difficult. Even with a court order, they never stop wanting to take it out on the mother. If you stop contact you may need to protect yourself personally so make sure there are people who know - I do think going to the police (without the kids) is a good idea, even if you only talk to someone about how they deal with these situations if something happens.

lastupenda Sun 14-Aug-11 09:27:08

Just to be clear, when I say 'no contact' I mean not on his own/at his home - if you can find another way for him to see them in a supervised environment that would be ideal.

pickgo Sun 14-Aug-11 17:07:28

Have you tried Women's Aid? They should be able to put you in touch with a good sol who has experience of child abuse.

You need good legal advice here. But I'd also insist on speaking to another/more senior social worker. There should be no question of discontinuing contact. Your boys are old enough to speak for themselves in the court process and tell a family court why they won't see their Dad.

How awful for you all OP. Stay strong and don't get bamboozled in to allowing anything that you are not happy with.

galwaygirl123 Tue 16-Aug-11 21:53:20

hi to the ladies that contacted me thank you so much for ur mail it a awlful place to be in but i have made the decision not to send them to him my son came home other day to me with marks from a leather belt on his legs he is 7 and i went mad when i saw it to think my little by was subject to that and i shud be ashamed of myself for sending them knowing what he was at my boys so afraid of him but are makeing improvements since they with me full time i spoke with lady in womens aid tks to lady for that bit of advice and they going help me so that great and have gonr to the cops bout him he has be stoped no way is he going to get the chance to do that again i am in court on sept 27 so i am praying that the judge will listen to me and believe me that it not me that puting words in their mouths it me that made the app for the court hearing and have made contact with a centere called time for us here in galway so they will give supervised access if i can get the judge to order that so all 10 fingers and toes crossed that will happen i and them going be devestated if i have give them back to him thanks again to u all ye advice was a great help

blackeyedsusan Tue 16-Aug-11 23:40:50

did you get photos of those marks? have you rung ss re the marks?

Gonzo33 Wed 17-Aug-11 15:26:50

as blackeyedsusan says get some pictures of those bruises and inform social services asap, that will go a long way in relation to proof with the courts.

tsunami Wed 17-Aug-11 22:46:01

Stay really calm, too. If he says rubbish in court don't blurt out or react. Try not to cry (if you can help it). Don't roll your eyes or try to show you think he's bullshitting: the judge will be the judge of that (ha). Sit quietly until you're asked if you have anything to say. Be dignified. It's so hard! But it gives a much, much better impression of a strong woman who can look after her kids, who's in control, who's honest, straight and rational.
If you haven't said anything yet and need to just ask, quietly and calmly, if you may add something. Don't be scared. The judge is on the side of justice: you just have to help them get there.
You go, girl.

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