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Parents interfering, WWYD?

(12 Posts)
Wilkoa Tue 09-Aug-11 18:14:26

Exh left me at 9 months pregnant. I moved 70 miles to be near my parents. Four months later found out the reason why was because he'd been having an affair with OW - a close friend of mine.
Exh has seen DS regularly every fortnight for a few hours. DS is now 1. It has been very painful for me, lots of anxiety and stress issues so only recently started doing handovers. We don't really speak as its too traumatic - I sound dramatic and I'm normally a strong person but this knocked me for 6. We were together 4 years, got married, got pregnant within 1 month, 3 months after that the affair started.
Parents have been great and look after DS while I now work full-time. Not what i wanted but necessary as now I only have my income.
Found out at weekend Exh has moved with OW and DSD (as was) closer by - only because I asked. We spoke a few months ago about Exh seeing DS more regularly, perhaps every week for a period of time before allowing overnight stays.
Last night my father went ballistic at me, saying he shouldn't be allowed to have him, I am doing the wrong thing, he doesn't deserve him, he's allowed to tell me what to do as he looks after him everyday etc etc. Was so upset. Now he is ignoring me.
I am just trying to do the RIGHT thing, even though it hurts so much. I don't want DS to ever feel that I stopped Exh from seeing him. Now my parents are pretty much ignoring me.
I don't know what to do. Am so exhausted by it all.
Thanks for reading - this was much longer than intended!

changeforthebetter Tue 09-Aug-11 20:22:39

Hi, just wanted to say of course you are doing the right thing letting your DS see his Dad. It will always be in a child's best interests unless the parent poses a threat.

Your Dad really has no right to butt in here but he seems to see you and your son as property of his now transferred from your X to him. Loyalty is one thing but this is not right - however, protective he might feel/claim to feel.

If your parents are ignoring you then you need to strike out on your own and live elsewhere. I faced a lot of negative family reaction post-split. Picking myself up from that has been harder than the actual end of the relationship.

<<unMN hugs and brew>>

pictish Tue 09-Aug-11 20:25:48

I agree. You are doing the right thing. Your dad is being possessive and jealous I should think.
Perhaps he hoped HE would be the main male role model?

chelen Tue 09-Aug-11 20:39:34

Hi, I think your dad sounds very protective, I know it must be awful that he went ballistic but I suspect your dad is really really angry with your ex for treating you the way he did.

Your ex sounds like a toad. You are being really amazing putting your child first after all that hurt.

I wouldn't do anything drastic with your parents, I would let the dust settle. You don't need to increase your ex's contact with your son too rapidly, you can take it step by step.

If your parents are generally supportive I would try to defuse it, you've had a hell of a rough time and probably need their support. You can talk it through lots and lots with them - you don't have to change your plans for increasing contact if that's what you want to do because you know what's best for your child.

Good luck!

mrswoodentop Tue 09-Aug-11 20:41:53

It sounds to me as if your Dad has gone into proactive Dad role.From his point of view he watched this man destroy his little girls life and that of his precious grandson.He is probably petrified that you will be hurt again and all his protective instincts have come out.

I think you need to sit down with your parents and make sure that they understand that you appreciate and value their support but that you are an adult now and you are your ds parent.You are not willing to deny him a relationship with his father because as his mother you know that in this is in his best interests in the long run.Explain that you would love their support in this but that regardless you have made your decision.They do need to understand that you are an adult and not a little girl.

Good luck ,you sound incredibly brave and strong to be able to pick yourself up from this and to treat your ds so fairly despite everything

Wilkoa Tue 09-Aug-11 20:57:17

Thanks for all the advice, its much appreciated. Sometimes I just can't see the wood for the trees. Changeforthebetter - the property thing sounds scary but makes a lot of sense. I've always had a bit of a difficult relationship with my father - he can be so domineering, and as I've lived away for the best part of 12 years, i've forgotten how he can be. I just don't get how he can blow up at me yet do handovers with my ex, be ok with him and never say a word.

My parents have been fantastic, and I couldn't have coped without them, but I now feel that they are encroaching too much, and being too controlling.

When I feel a bit stronger, perhaps I will speak to them, although this could set him off again. For now, maybe some breathing space will help. DS starts nursery 3 days a week in September so hopefully that will be a positive move. My parents are going on holiday for the first time in over a year soon too - Mum had no sooner retired, then I (+bump) arrived on the doorstep.

I don't feel strong, I feel like I'm sinking sometimes!! But thank you.

DioneTheDiabolist Tue 09-Aug-11 21:03:50

Wilkoa, you are being strong, even if you don't feel it. Your dad has gone into mega protect mode and in doing so, has become more concerned about his own feelings rather than your feeling and what is best for your DS.

I know how had this is as I had a similar experience when my Exh and I split up and you may feel that your dad's anger is just another thing for you to deal with. It's hard, but do your best to ignore it and in time it will go. It's pants though.

solidgoldbrass Tue 09-Aug-11 21:08:24

Yes, your dad is being too controlling, particularly given that he has a history of it. Probably the best thing to do is start taking steps towards getting a place of your own. It's difficult to be in this sort of situation because on the one hand you are grateful for their support but on the other hand you don't owe them total obedience when they are not necessarily in the right.

Wilkoa Tue 09-Aug-11 21:15:36

I have got my own place - its only 0.5 miles away but its enough! I just find the confrontation really difficult to deal with. I'm not an arguementative, shouty kind of person (more sarcastic!).
Will try my best to ignore it. Hopefully he won't keep on at me. Perhaps in the past I could have shrugged it off better but these days I seem to react to stressful situations by feeling overwhelmed and having a cry!

DioneTheDiabolist Tue 09-Aug-11 21:55:27

Keep crying. Don't bottle it up. You are unwilling to fight this one as all your strength is going into sorting out your and DS's life and future. You are going through a really shitty time but you are have your priorities straight and you are doing a great job.

gillybean2 Thu 11-Aug-11 13:37:44

Do you think that once he's calmed down he may see things differently? Is your mum likely to feel the same as he does or will she help him see he is being defensive and has to let go a bit.

They must feel worried for your ds; their grandson. He has some big changes coming up with nursery etc. and maybe your dad is reacting to that. Will teh extra time he spends with ex encrouch upon their soon to be reduced time with ds or will it be during your time with ds? Maybe that is part of the issue for them - seeing less of ds or that you will have even less time with this decision.

You do need to stand up for yourself here and make it clear that you are a grown up and that you understand their concerns and worries but that ultimately the choice is yours and you would appreciate their support and advice but don't need to be shouted at or made to feel like you are a child.

Why not agree with them that yes it is unfair that ex has behaved so appaulingly and that yes you can see why it doesn't seem fair to them. But that at the end of the day it is about ds and his rights to a relationship with his dad that matter and that personal feelings have to be put aside for his wellbeing which is the most important things and is what matters more ultimately than punishing ex or holding on to hate and the unhappiness of the breakup.

changeforthebetter Fri 12-Aug-11 08:56:06

Fantastic that you've got a place! Don't "wait till you're stronger". That day will never come. Act like you are strong enough now. You are not responsible for other people's feelings or reactions, only your own. I found the roots of my failed marriage (and pretty much every other failed relationship with a man) lay in the way my family treats me. They control and domineer me. I don't allow this anymore. They are quite pissed off about it grin. I haven't cut all contact or anything drastic like that. No one deserves to be in this situation. It is bad for you and very bad for a DC to grow up thinking this sort of relationship is Ok. <<unMN you-know-whats wink>>

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