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Am seething with rage at XP...just a rant really.

(22 Posts)
littlemisssarcastic Tue 09-Aug-11 14:29:45

I could cheerfully throttle XP today. He has not seen DD for almost 17 weeks, just one excuse after another, that's when he can be bothered to think of an excuse.
He has been a rubbish dad from the word go, always banging on about his rights, but shows no responsibility at all.
He has tried to prove me an unfit mother and made various allegations, all of which have been unfounded, although he cleverly convinced his Xg/f I was a raving lunatic, who was a danger to DD.
He has since split up with Xg/f and within a very short space of time has taken up with another girlfriend in a very long list.
He has told this g/f and anyone who will listen that I do not allow him to see DD, I am evil and cold hearted.
Anyway, he has been in contact for the last few weeks and arranged a couple of weeks ago that he would see DD last Saturday, and today. He said he would see her both days because last Saturday was going to be little more than me being a glorified taxi driver for him for an hour or so, but of course, he would sit in the back of my car with DD, and spend the hour I am driving around with DD.
Turns out he was too ill last Saturday to come and see DD, suits me, I didn't particularly want to be a glorified taxi driver and I think DD deserves to spend some quality time with him, not just a journey in the back of a car.

Roll forward to last night. He phones me and says due to the rioting, he is concerned he wont be able to catch a train to meet us. He says if the trains are running, he will meet as planned.

This morning, no text or phonecall from him, and he wouldn't answer his phone when I rang him. I texted him and asked him why he didn't turn up? No reply. He was supposed to meet us 3 and a half hrs ago, but instead, he has decided the silent treatment is what we're going to get instead. angry

If there was a checklist of what makes a rubbish dad, he would tick practically every single box!!! I'm quite sure of it.

I so want to say 'No, you will not be seeing DD again!!' I cannot see a single way he benefits her life. I honestly do not think IABU to completely cut him out.

Obviously there is much more to this situation, but I don't want to bore you all.

I am also tempted to send his g/f a message, addressed to him, to ask him why he is such an unreliable parent. Would kill 2 birds with one stone, would get the message through to him (too long to text) and would show his g/f that I do not prevent contact.

I probably wont do that though, but this 'keeping it all in, getting on with it, smile and hold my head high just isn't helping anyone. I want to rip his shitty fucking little head off and shove it up his arse!!!!!

angry angry angry angry

notsorted Tue 09-Aug-11 18:36:01

Hi, I can sympathise with you. My ex was abusive, and remains unreliable seeing DCs. I also feel that I am being bad mouthed to new woman in his life. I have stupidly contacted her in the past, but it makes no difference. She hears all the good stuff as far as I can gather and even hears how much he did for DCs and cared about the relationship that he destroyed.
Grr makes me see red too.
It sounds like you are putting too much emphasis on him doing the right thing. Set some really clear boundaries if you can. Set up date, place and times - not at yours or the car or whatever but a park or library. Say you want confirmation of him coming x days/hours before and cancellation notice x hours before. Then turn up but be prepared to be disappointed but also have something nice that you and DD can do together. Basically get on with your lives. Can you talk to GPs (his side) and find out if they want to be involved.
Good for you to try to get him involved, but the responsibility to do it lies with him

littlemisssarcastic Tue 09-Aug-11 20:02:49

Thanks notsorted

We have a court order in place, but he never shows up for that either thankfully. The court order is for alternate weekend contact, but with XP changing DP's as often as he does, not to mention how negative they feel about me by the time DD is introduced to them, and his current living arrangements are not fit for an animal AFAIC, in fact XP has been ill and hospitalised more in the last 4 months, since he moved into new g/f's place than he has been in at least 10 years, so I am no longer happy for contact to take place under the current order. If I take it back to court, my reasons for DD not spending the weekends with XP wont be given much credence. My sol told me that.

DD used to have contact when XP was with his Xg/f, mainly because Xg/f made encouraged XP, and because XP could hardly complain I wasn't allowing him to see DD and get sympathy when I returned the matter to court and he arrived along with his Xg/f and she was there outside court while we agreed the new terms of contact. (She was current g/f at the time)

He was given this opportunity to see DD because it was DD's birthday, and on birthday's we are supposed to come to some sort of amicable arrangement. Ha.

I haven't spoken to GP's on XP's side for a long time now. They blame me completely for the break up of the relationship, and they hardly see XP anyway. They have been instrumental in how bitter it has all become.

I just don't understand the blanket mentality that everyone should bend over backwards to facilitate contact with a man who can't be arsed to commit to anything, who clearly doesn't give a hoot about his DD.

I used to say DC should never be pay per view too. I am not convinced anymore. If XP had to pay maintenance to be able to see DD, he quite possibly might make more effort. I can't imagine he'd be happy to part with his money whilst not seeing DD.

All I want is for DD to have a reasonably good relationship with XP or no relationship at all.

BertieBotts Tue 09-Aug-11 20:24:00

Ugh. Did you go out with my ex? It's also been 4 months for DS sad I'm not chasing him at all. He's got my number - if he wants to see DS he knows where to come to ask. He also had a new gf, made a relationship with her DD, lived with them, played "Daddy" etc for a year, they had a new baby, when baby was 4 months old they split (also when he stopped seeing DS) and he refused to see the DD because she wasn't his sad Baby is now 8 months old, they have been on and off since then and looks like they've split for good, he's now refusing to see either of her children because the DD isn't his and he's insisting the baby isn't his either, despite the fact it looks like him hmm

I would really stop making any efforts to get him to comply - he knows the order, he knows your contact details. Make sure she is available for contact, but assume he won't come. If my ex gets in touch re DS again I'm not going to just hand him over for overnight contact - he can build up the relationship slowly again, starting with short, supervised visits and progressing when I think DS is ready. I don't have a court order though, might be harder with one. I think it's awful how inflexible the courts and cafcass are about contact though - it seems once you've got it, whatever that milestone is, contact, unsupervised, overnight, it's really hard to go back from that, even if the NRP is the one messing around and you have good reason (child's wellbeing) to ask for it to be changed. I really think they should add some kind of clause into court orders which says "If child is under X age and contact is broken by the NRP for any longer than Y months/weeks, contact must be built up again from a starting point of Z".

littlemisssarcastic Tue 09-Aug-11 21:08:02

I agree BertieBotts

I gave up facilitating contact a while back, mainly because I don't want DD to spend any time at all at XP's new g/f's. XP would intermittently text me, and I decided I was going to just ignore every single text unless it was to arrange contact with DD on the appointed days.
Strangely enough, XP only ever texted to arrange to see DD on the days he was not due to have contact. Those texts were ignored. He then progressed to texting to reminisce, those were also all ignored.

XP then began texting a few weeks ago to arrange plans for DD's birthday this year, so I responded to arrange a mutually agreeable time and day as per court order.

That day was today. He texted last night to confirm time and place to meet (public place) and as with the other texts regarding this 'birthday' contact, I responded and said Yes that would be fine and we would be there at the agreed time, then he just didn't show up again.

I just don't want to make DD ready for contact, I don't want to rush DD into eating her breakfast, getting dressed, brushing her teeth, and getting out of the door to walk to the assigned meeting place, which we have to go to, and which every time we go to, DD expects to see XP and his Xg/f, knowing the chances of him being there are remote at best, and then have DD upset and crying, even if we continue onto somewhere else, because she wants to see Daddy. angry sad

I also am not prepared to even entertain the idea of XP picking DD up at my house, and none of my family or friends want him turning up at their house either, and he knows this because of his previous bad behaviour.

AFAIC He has blown it, and I am sick to the back teeth of a system that doesn't treat each case individually, but rather groups together all NRP's as generally decent human beings who do care for their DC, when in actual fact, some of them don't.
I have been compliant and all my compliance has brought me is a hurt DD and an XP who has the freedom to walk in and out and all over DD's feelings as and when he chooses.

Finallygotaroundtoit Tue 09-Aug-11 21:17:31

Don't tell her she's supposed to be meeting her DH then she won't be dissapointed

BertieBotts Tue 09-Aug-11 21:21:09

Ah, okay, I didn't realise you had to go to a specific place, that must be really hard for your DD sad Is there any way you could drive past or send someone in to check if he's there, rather than taking her there to be upset if he doesn't show?

That actually makes me really angry that the court order is basically forcing your DD to be hurt like this.

BertieBotts Tue 09-Aug-11 21:21:43

I'm guessing she's old enough to associate the place with her Dad, Finally.

BertieBotts Tue 09-Aug-11 21:35:39

And angry at your ex too of course little sad

littlemisssarcastic Tue 09-Aug-11 21:38:53

Finally I never tell DD she is going to see XP, but we have to meet at a particular place, and she did have regular contact for a while when XP was with his Xg/f, so now she associates this place as where Daddy and Xg/f are waiting for her. sad

BertieBotts I drive past the entrance to the meeting place regularly, through necessity rather than choice, and every time without fail, DD gets upset and wants to stop. I always tell her Daddy is not there when we drive past, since we don't drive if we are meeting XP, so I know he definitely wont be there when I am driving.
If I were to drive, I would have to turn into the meeting spot to even see if he was there or not, so DD would still get upset, possibly even more so, then she might start wanting me to drive in whenever we went past at other times too. sad

I am angry too, angry as well that the courts have bent over backwards to comply with whatever XP has asked for in an attempt to sort out contact, and yet the only time XP will contemplate contact is when he is strongly encouraged to by whichever current g/f he is with. sad

notsorted Tue 09-Aug-11 21:54:15

Hi have you spoken to Gingerbread at all? They are all in favour of contact, but not to the extent that it causes distress. They might have some ideas of how to ease the pressure off you and your DD.
Is there anyone, excepting new GF on the block, who could talk to your ex
Keep a diary of missed contacts and DD's reaction. Surely your sol or court will say after x no of missed contacts that the current contact order is null and void? And is it so specific re place etc?
Have you asked on legal thread here about the contact order?
It is truly awful situation for you both and DD. (((hugs)))

littlemisssarcastic Tue 09-Aug-11 22:50:17

Not contacted gingerbread notsorted. I will if there's even a slight chance they can offer me some advice and support. smile
I know no one who could speak to XP. He has no friends, and his own family rarely speak to him AFAIK. He tends to live 'for the moment' so will immerse himself into the social scene of whichever current g/f he has. I have not spoken to his g/f and don't even have any contact details for her.
I now make a list of the times he does have contact, since that is far fewer dates to write down than when he doesn't have contact.
I honestly don't know if court or sol would ever agree to completely scrap the court order, they may agree to amend it, but to 'null and void' it would probably be asking a little too much. In my sol's opinion, if XP cannot see DD under the current terms, what is the point of reducing the contact available further? This will only serve to make it even more unlikely he will see DD. sad

I haven't asked on the legal thread because tbh, I feel like I am in a no win situation, where XP will always have the option to dip in and out of DD's life as and when. There appears to be no consequences whatsoever to XP if he does this. OTOH, if I decided to dip out of DD's life, and ignore her most basic needs, I am damn sure I wouldn't be allowed, and rightly so, to dip back in when I felt like it.

Oh, it's just so unfair to DD and so weighted in XP's favour. sad

gillybean2 Thu 11-Aug-11 15:40:16

Do keep a list of when contact was missed and why rather than just when contact happens. That way you can show that the court ordered contact is not happening because of your ex and not because you are failing to show.

Keep all the texts etc he sends you. Texts aren't admissable in court but you can write/transcribe them out and submit that to the court as evidence. If he objects to the transcribed version then you can then offer to show the original text message/s to show that your transcribed copies are accurate.

For example when he said he may not be able to come because of the riots... Record the date and time of agreed contact, then note that he text to say he may not be able to come because of riots on date & time. They write that you attempted to contact him via text and phone at whatever time and date it was and that you got no response from him and so did not take dd to the meeting spot as she becomes distressed when he doesn't arrive and you had not received confirmation from him that he would be there.
That way you are showing you have done everything you can and why you didn't turn up. Otherwise he will say he was there, he didn't tell you he wouldn't be there, and you didn't turn up so it was you that stopped the contact. It is very easy to twist things and if you haven't got accurate records a court may just believe him. Especially if he has a new g/f he is trying to convince of the same...

Tell your dd that daddy is only at the meeting place at certain times that he has to tell you about in advance. And that is how you know that the times you drive past that he won't be there. Suggest that if she doesn't believe you that maybe you can go and look together so she can see you are telling her the truth. Yes it may be upsetting for her (and for you too I'm sure) but it may be the best way for her to realise that daddy doesn't 'live' at this meeting place and isn't always there. At the moment she may be thinking he is there and you refusing to take her is what is stopping her see her dad.... So you need to try and deal with that too.

balia Fri 12-Aug-11 10:23:55

I do understand your anger and frustration, believe me - but you need to make sure that your (entirely justified) feelings don't result in ex getting the upper hand. As there is a court order in place, you can't just decide not to facilitate it because you feel his g/f's don't like you or he hasn't got a nice house. If there are genuine concerns about her safety (like he's living in a squat infested with rats and heroin addicts) then you could apply for a variation - but I'm inferring that your sol has already told you there aren't grounds?

I'd write a polite, business-like letter (keep a copy) outlining the problem (ie that he doesn't turn up for contact as per the contact order) and how that effects DD (not in detail, just that she needs routine and gets distressed if she is expecting to see Daddy but doesn't). Then put the ball back in his court - ask him what he proposes to make contact work and limit the distress to DD. Say you are willing to mediate if he wishes and organises it.

littlemisssarcastic Fri 12-Aug-11 11:28:00

Thank you for the advice you have all given me.

Gillybean I have never thought of keeping a diary of when contact has taken place for the reasons you describe. That makes sense. Most of the time, XP doesn't even give an excuse, he just doesn't show up.
As for the texts, I have been painstakingly writing them out and only keeping some on my phone, since they have now filled my phone up, there is that many of them, and obviously from time to time, they keep coming.
Yours is also a good suggestion about how to deal with DD being upset when XP is not at the meeting point. Thank you. It hasn't come up again yet, mainly because we haven't been out, but will definitely try that, thanks.

balia I appreciate what you are saying, and yes, my sol has said I do not have enough grounds to prevent contact from taking place. XP wont tell me where he is living, apart from that it is near London. He wont give me any contact numbers for where he is living. If DD goes off to his to stay, I have no idea where she is, and since XP has taken DD and refused to return her when she was a baby, as well as refusing to return her when he was with Xg/f at the appointed time, and he threatens not to bring her back constantly, that is just another worry. As for the state of his house, I can't say how I know what the house is like, but I know it is one of them homes that Kim and Aggie would be gagging at IYKWIM. The people in the house, including his g/f are rough, are regularly involved in violent crime, greet everyone by calling them c**ts, and live off of kebabs and cheap booze. XP does not drink much, or at least he didn't.
I know this is the typical stereotype, but let's just say it isn't only hearsay.
The house itself is filthy, there are multiple animals living there, dead fur and dander all over the floors and sofa's, and the rest of the house is filthy. The house smells musty and damp, probably not helped by the fact that XP's g/f lets various friends sleep over in the frontroom after a drinking session every weekend. Everyone in the house smokes, and we're not just talking tobacco, and the kitchen looks and smells like it needs a deep clean, flies buzzing over leftover greasy food in plastic kebab trays, bins overflowing etc.

Sol says no grounds because I would have to prove all of this, and that is apparently difficult to do, especially since I cannot involve the police, since I can't say to the police 'Hey, wanna visit a house somewhere near London to uncover some weed smoking?'
Still XP has the right, no matter how irresponsible he is, to not have to disclose this information to me. hmm

I am also quite confident that XP would not respond to any letters I wrote. He doesn't even respond to letters my sol has written to him, which frustrated him no end, but turns up at court on the day of the hearing, and demands to know whats going on then.
We have been to court twice, both times to make contact even easier for XP, on both occasions, XP asked for XYZ and got XYZ. He didn't stick to the contact on the first court order, so off we trundled back to court again to ask him 'What would you like XP, bless your cottons?' He said he now wanted ABC, he got ABC, I have been compliant throughout, now he can't handle or doesn't want ABC'
I am tempted to wait for him to take me back to court this time, instead of riding on the back of my legal aid as he has done every other time.

I just want the man out of my life and I can't see how he benefit's DD whatsoever anyway.

What's the chances of getting the court order quashed so to speak?

spongefingeranyone Fri 12-Aug-11 13:47:34

Littemiss I am so terribly upset at reading your posts regarding your despicable XP. Yet again it makes me so so angry that these vile men are allowed by the courts such access to innocent children who quite frankly would be far far better off without their biological father in their life.

I would be so tempted to just ignore him and get on with your life with your DC and let him one day maybe take you back to court regarding contact. You have lots of evidence of how he hasn't stuck to either court order. And if your account of his accommodation is correct then I would NEVER EVER let a child of mine (or dog for that matter) visit, let alone stay in such a filthy place.

BTW, I have an XP who hasn't bothered to see his and my DS since May and then for only an hour since February. My DS doesn't know him (15 mo) and I have every intention of keeping it that way. Thankfully no court order although the idiot threatens it at times, but as with most men who are emotionally abusive it's all BS. I don't care what some people say, some children are better off without a fuckwit of a father in their life!

balia Fri 12-Aug-11 15:49:14

If the original court order was made before your ex moved into living conditions that are unhealthy for your DD (assuming she stays overnight there?) then you could apply for a variation on health/safety grounds. You could then voice your concerns and ask that a Cafcass officer make a home visit. However, it depends how you know all of the details without knowing where the house is. (Not that I'm asking you to reveal it, just you need to think about how the veracity of your claims could be viewed by the court.) You could stop contact (whatever little there is of it) and wait for him to take you back to court (but it sounds like he might, if he's been through the whole process twice before?) but IMLE, when that happens, the focus is much more on getting the court order adhered to, rather than reassessing it, so your concerns may not be addressed.

In any case, if he hardly ever turns up I wouldn't have thought going back to court would be an issue - just let him know by letter that due to the problems you will not be bringing DD to the meeting place without confirmation that he is there - you can give him a timeframe, eg that you will bring her if he texts he is there at the specified time or 15 mins either way. Then take her out to a local coffee bar/library/park/whatever. If you get a text, fine, if not, you've had a nice time out.

littlemisssarcastic Fri 12-Aug-11 15:55:27

I totally agree spongefingeranyone.

I have spent so many hours pondering what is the best thing to do for DD. Do I do whatever I can to ensure contact takes place, knowing XP couldn't give a shiny shite about her although he professes to and let her find out in her own time, by which point, the damage is done imo.

Or do I say 'No more XP, you want to play games, go play with someone else's feelings, not DD's' knowing that this will also hurt DD.

I just don't understand how we have got to be in a society where NRP's who planned to have DC are not punished in any way shape or form for abandoning them completely, furthermore, they are given chance after chance and opportunity after opportunity to spend time with their DC. There is absolutely no incentive apart from a moral one, for taking responsibility for your DC if you are a NRP, and what if the NRP in this case doesn't have any morals????

I want DD to have a relationship with her father, I want him to pull his socks up and be responsible, but no one in this land is going to make sure he does that, even though it is damaging to DD that he doesn't bother.

I have even suggested to my sol that XP agrees he either sees DD regularly or not at all, but sol says courts wont agree to that either.

And for the NRP's who do walk away, who don't see their DC, who don't support their DC in any way, shape or form, what happens then? Do they lose their PR after a certain time limit? Do they forfeit the opportunity to have access after a certain amount of time has passed?? NO They just turn back up whenever it suits them and are treated by all accounts like the prodigal NRP who has returned to the fold and DD and I are supposed to welcome him back and be fucking grateful he has shown himself again!!!!!

It makes my blood boil. Basically RP's (mainly women AFAIK) take all the responsibility and look after their DC scrimping and saving where necessary, left to do it on their own no matter what the cost to themselves or their DC, and the men swan in and out whenever they feel like it, pay nothing, retain PR, and are treated with kid gloves whenever they decide to wander back onto the scene instead of the disgusting pariah's they should be viewed as!!!!

littlemisssarcastic Fri 12-Aug-11 16:21:24

balia The last court order was made before he moved in with this woman, yes.
The last 2 times we have been to court was only because I took the matter to court under legal aid, the first time, XP's family paid for a sol for him, and the 2nd time, he represented himself. It is unlikely he would take the matter to court himself, since he doesn't qualify for legal aid, and doesn't have the means to pay either.
I have been ordered by the court to attend parenting courses, which I have done, make DD available for contact which XP asked for, which I have done.
He has had me driving all over the place to facilitate contact, not to mention the involvement from SS due to totally false allegations made by XP and his Xg/f. My family has been torn to shreds over that man, and that's not to mention the attempted break ins of my house that XP has done, the manipulation and the money he has stolen from me, my eldest DC and DD.

It is a horror story tbh.

It appears to me that the more compliant I am, the more I am expected to give....I have even had the police tell me that XP is a con artist, yet still the courts and SS and sol's seem to want to make allowances for poor XP.

The CSA can't collect a penny from him, the SS can't enforce contact, yet no one can stop contact either.

I can't let him know by letter that I am returning the matter to court either, since I don't have a contact address for him and I have no idea when I will next see him hopefully never.

The only contact anyone has with him is by phoning his mobile phone, and only a few months ago, when SW phoned him, he told her to 'Fuck off and leave me alone, I'm not interested' yet still he is allowed to walk in and out of DD's life. I'd have thought he was pleased to hear from SW, since he instigated their involvement, yet that just seems to be yet another organisation that he can pick up and drop off at will, just like all the others. No one seems to lose patience with the waste of space apart from me, my family and friends and his family. He has no friends.

I despise the man, truly despise him, yet through all of this, DD adores him, which is only right. I only wish he had 1% of the love for DD that she has for him.

suburbophobe Sat 13-Aug-11 20:07:54

Honey, when you get to 20 years like me, you will be glad to be out of it.

Stop expecting him to do it and do it yourself! You'll be so much happier!

And the sooner you are out of it, the sooner you can get on with it for both your sakes. As it is, you are hanging on to what has passed.

Just get on with the life for the two of you.

suburbophobe Sat 13-Aug-11 20:09:16

P.s. Mine left when my son was 6 months old and hasn't paid a penny, thank god for that, he has no claim either.

You can make it, cos I did, and if anyone can....

littlemisssarcastic Sat 13-Aug-11 21:48:00

I am glad to be out of the relationship, that's for sure. smile

I just feel so angry at the sheer injustice of it all. sad

I wish I could just delete him from our lives.

What do you mean when you say I am hanging onto what has passed?

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