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Feel really crap. Probably overreacting but feel like my ex will turn our son into a monster.

(4 Posts)
StarsAreShining Tue 09-Aug-11 00:02:59

My ex usually sees our son about 2-3 times a week. Son has been at the hospital for a horrible test today. Turns out that ex didn't go to work because he had 'food poisoning'... He'd told me the day before that he wanted to see him after his test. I asked about this a few times and was given no real answer. Turned out that he'd actually planned to go to his girlfriend's house to have tea with her family. Instead of seeing his son and treating him to a McDonalds like we'd discussed. He did come over, but explained that he could only pop in.

I was so angry about him letting him down. I tried to talk to him about this, but, as always, any 'serious' conversation ends with him shutting down and acting as though I'm a boring nag. When I pointed out that this was really selfish, he just acted as though I was mad. I think he's so used to twisting the truth in his mind that he starts to believe it. It runs in the family.

I just don't like the way my son behaves when he's around him. I find my ex to be quite disrespectful towards me. He also makes 'jokey' racist/sexist comments. His bad attitude towards me is never explicit, but I certainly pick up on it. I'm worried about the affect this is having on my son. He's starting being very rude to me. I just don't know how to combat this. How do I stop my son wanting to be just like his 'cool' dad when it's made very clear that I am very uncool and just a boring mom? His face lights up every time he sees him. And my son's behaviour towards me is noticably different when he's around.

What irritates me is that I don't believe acting like a 'lad' or being unable to think for yourself is cool. He almost mocks me for not fitting in with his cool ideals. Which seem to be Jack Wills underwear on display, silly trilby hats and posing for facebook photos. And I'm getting really sick of hearing 'Well, you are only a mom' from him. Very funny. He doesn't understand that, as an adult, I absolutely do not care about those things.

What makes me even more angry is that he's able to continue to live that lifestyle because I parent his son. He looks down on me because of that. I do not want my son to turn out like his dad, but it currently seems inevitable. He idolises him sad

This isn't a very well thought out post, but I feel disheartened and tired at the moment.

Meglet Tue 09-Aug-11 00:12:05

I get where you're coming from. Luckily my XP doesn't see the dc's but I would worry like you if he did.

Assuming talking to your XP won't work can you try and cancel out his twattish-ness and enrol your ds in scouts / rugby / swimming, anything with decent male role models really.

Stick to your guns and explain to your DS why the behaviour isn't acceptable. If you set the best example he will hopefully see right through his dad as he grows up.

StarsAreShining Tue 09-Aug-11 00:46:58

I have tried to talk to him, but it only worked for a short period of time. I think I'm officially a bore now. A bore with no sense of humour. He actually called my son a 'dirty arab' the other day, in a very lighthearted, jokey way. Like that's an acceptable thing to say. He refuses to admist that he's a racist, though, because lots of people say things like that and he doesn't attack non-whites on sight. So it's not that bad. hmm

I just feel the need to rant about it now. I think my plan of action will probably be to set out really clear ways of dealing with various behaviours and present it to my ex as something completely unrelated to my disappointment in his attitude. Including him in the parenting. Hopefully, he'll see that as a positive.

Luckily, I do have a boyfriend who is absolutely wonderful. Believes in equality for everyone and is very keen to share this with my son. It's just that his dad seems a far cooler prospect sad

I hate the way everything seems like a struggle, though. I feel like I'm banging my head against a wall. I'm trying to do what is best for my son, but he behaves as though I'm trying to cause problems for him! Feels like I'm having to battle with everybody, all of the time, just so my son doesn't grow up with a warped view of the world sad

gillybean2 Thu 11-Aug-11 15:21:06

Unfortunately you can't tell your ex how to parent your ds. He will ignore anything you say anyhow from what you say.

Does your ds stay overnight with his dad? If so I suggest you get some reading matter and put it in ds's overnight bag and hope your ex takes note of it. Chances are he won't but he may just have a look so it has to be worth a shot...

www.fnf.org.uk/shop/product/categoryid/21/productid/81
www.dh.gov.uk/prod_consum_dh/groups/dh_digitalassets/@dh/@en/@ps/@sta/@perf/documents/digitalasset/dh_117167.pdf

Just keep being a positive role model for your ds. Teach him tolerance and (without mentioning his dad) explain about intolerance and how it is wrong. You are your partner will be the bedrock for ds. He will see the resoect you have for each other and you will teach him that it is important to respect you as his mother, other women as well as people generally.
Yes he may worship his dad and think he is super cool, a perfectly normal thing for young children. But in time he will come to see the reality of what his dad is in time.
If ds asks questions about the differences in your parenting styles answer his questions truthfully but in an age appropriate way. Also make it clear that behaviour that his dad may find acceptable is not acceptable in your home. And, just like at school, there are different rules for different places.

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