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how much am I allowed to know?

(21 Posts)
Whata Sun 31-Jul-11 23:33:21

Following on from the thread about knowing where kids are going on holiday, I was wondering where I stand.

Ex has a job that means he is away every week for 3-15 days at a time, it varies monthly.

We have kept everything out of the courts and solicitors but the current situation is driving me insane. He used to give me his schedule every monthly and we could plan child care, going out etc. After a year of me finding out the whole sordid affair - a complete explosion of rage, fuelled by the OW, has meant that he now refuses to let me know -where he is going, or when.

Yet he expects to see the kids when he is at home.

So how much am I entitled to know, I am prepared to be flexible because of his job and do not need to know where he is going, but when he is away would be good. I can then tells DCs that they will see Daddy on such a day rather than not knowing and them getting stressed - which they are.

I do not want to go down the solicitor route but this is now affecting my life and the kids massively. For example, if I knew he was away over a weekend then I make arrangements to go and see g parents, friends and do things - not wanting to deprive them of time with him when he is around. However, now I find out the day/night before he goes away and he expects them to back when he gets back. So I can make no future plans and everything is last minute.

I know you will say just do my own thing and then he will see how it affects him and the kids but I do not want him to have any cause to complain as OW really is quite nasty and manipulative. She has already told me this will give her more grounds for having him as I am depriving him from seeing his DCS and he would be better off without me and them in his life. Something she would be quite happy with - when she gets off her ownbutt and leaves her DP!!

GypsyMoth Sun 31-Jul-11 23:37:01

with ow on the scene would knowing when he's not working even matter?? he could still have made separate plans for himself and her not involving any dc.....i dont think even knowing his work schedule would make it easy for you to book childfree time in

Whata Sun 31-Jul-11 23:44:12

He just lies when he is going to say her and says he is away a day longer or has to go into the office. I can deal with that.

Not so fussed on the child free time but the DCs are getting to an age when they want to know when they next see daddy and I have not got a clue.

Until the DCS are old enough to understand the concept of time andweeks anddays then they rely on me for information - 2 and 4 by the way.

Example, took them to see my parents in Cornwall - so not a short drive. going Thursday back Monday. His complaint was well when am I going to see them, I am hear Sat/Sunday then away on monday for ten days - that means I will not see them for two weeks, that is not fair - yes but I did not know that and would have planned it for the weekend you were away if I had known - feel bad but refuse to give in yet again.

Finallygotaroundtoit Sun 31-Jul-11 23:46:58

Why not tell ask him to give you 2 weeks notice (or whatever is best for you) of when he wants to have kids and stick to it.

That way you are not asking him about his plans just about the dc.

Stick to it - don't let him chop and change. If he can't have them it's up to him to sort out alternative care cos you will have your plans.

GypsyMoth Sun 31-Jul-11 23:50:50

this is where it all comes unstuck with access,as no court or solicitor can FORCE any parent to see their child. thats the saddest thing

Jemma1111 Sun 31-Jul-11 23:52:16

Yet another father who thinks he can call the shots as to when he sees his kids, and you, their main carer, is expected to fall in with his demands.
My ex used to be exactly like your ex, I never knew from one week to the next if he was working or not and I would be given about 12hrs notice of his plans for our kids.

Fast forward, and eventually I put my foot down and I made the plans, if the ex couldn't/wouldn't stick to them then that was his hard luck. I think its time you drew up a regular day or two a week for when it suits you and your kids to see their dad. He could change his job in order to see his kids more often.

Also, I'd tell the OW to fuck right off, she has no business sticking her nose in!

DioneTheDiabolist Sun 31-Jul-11 23:56:11

You and your children need to know and I would insist on the monthly agreement that you had previously. You cannot always be waiting to see if he calls before you make plans. You make plans with your kids, stick with them.

If I were you, I would not have any communication with OW, she sounds like trouble and you do not need to communicate with her for anything.

readywithwellies Sun 31-Jul-11 23:58:50

Whata - please stop letting this man and his bitch from controlling you.

I have been there, you probably can't even see it. Hopefully one day you will.

You are in charge. Someone has to be in charge. Stop thinking about how your plans effect him. Concentrate on yourself and the dcs. He can fit in with you, just make sure he gets regular contact and you remain reasonable when you aren't doing something.

It's a long road x

AandK Mon 01-Aug-11 00:04:21

I have to honestly say and many might not like this but it is impossible to not to go down the solicitor route. (I don't know anyone who hasn't had to do it)

Everybody tries to be amicable but something always ends up getting in the way.

See a solicitor, the first consultation is nearly always free and they will check if you're available for help with the costs.

readywithwellies Mon 01-Aug-11 00:09:48

Aandk - I managed it without going legal. It is not inevitable. It is inevitable if one party acts like a prick though.

AandK Mon 01-Aug-11 00:14:05

Which (nearly) always happens. Usually if the separated people are amicable a new partner comes along and a spanner is thrown in the works or a member of either family does it too.

Sorry to be so pessimistic but I and my friends have experienced this.

ladydeedy Mon 01-Aug-11 07:51:49

actually a court order does not really affect anything and is a waste of time.
Try and be reasonable and say, look, the kids need to have a bit of notice. Also dont forget you should give HIM notice if you are making plans on certain days/weekends for holidays etc - that way he is aware of when they are not available. It works both ways. You should both inform eachother and then work out what's reasonable.

susiesheep2 Mon 01-Aug-11 09:38:06

Yet another absent father who thinks he can pick his kids up and drop them up when it suits them.

If I was you I would tell him in very certain terms that you have things to plan for yourself and your kids, and unless he gives you 4 weeks notice of his shifts / days hes having the kids, then tough luck if they are busy at the last minute.

It is not fair on you or your kids to play second fiddle to this selfish man. Make them the priority and make sure this half wit man realises that. It will be hard the first few times you have to say sorry we have plans, but he will get the message that contact has to be agreeable and reasonable.

At the end of the day hes having his cake and eating it, and he will do so until you tell him enough is enough...

You dont need a solicitor to sort this out IMO, just be prepared to be firm.

gillybean2 Mon 01-Aug-11 09:50:27

I agree that you don't need a sol. However I would write a letter to him, keep it totally unemotional and detached and just state the facts...

Say that the previous situation where you were advised a month in advance when he would like to see the dc worked well and this new system of 24 hours notice is not working. Include that the dc want to know when they are next seeing him and that you have plans to make, which in the absence of information to the contrary, you have to make without knowing if and when he will be free to see the dc or not.

Don't put it in the letter but you may want to mention to him that given the OW has made it clear she would rather the dc were not part of his life that her advice to him will of course be to make life as difficult as possible and he may want to consider that when listening to it.

Then go ahead and make your plans and if he doesn't provide info then you can't help that you are busy or wlsewhere. Be firm. The dc are used to him being away so simply tell them he is working and hasn't told you yet when he will see them next.

Let him be the one to see a sol or go to court. They'll soon tell him to stump up his dates!

gillybean2 Mon 01-Aug-11 09:54:59

Oh yes, keep a copy of your letter to him and send it recorded delivery.

And start keeping a diary of contact. So make a note of when he asked to see the dc, how much notice, why they were busy or if they were free to see him etc.

I have a feeling this will escalate but he is likely to drift away a bit until things with OW are sorted out.

susiesheep2 Mon 01-Aug-11 14:23:21

Another tip when dealing with this I know how frustrating it is. Try and keep a record of everything agreed by email / letter. Don't let him play mind games and try and tell you you have previously agreed to when you haven't.

Dont reply to emails when angry! He will no doubt behave worse once he realises you are sticking up for yourself and the kids, until he realises its not all about him.

They are very clever these controlling types and will do / say anything to press your buttons, dont let them, stay calm. If you dont feel calm, don't reply until you do. Trust me, by being as calm, consistent and reasonable as you can will work best for you in the long run, no matter how much you want to scream at him for being so selfish smile good luck, your children will benefit from the stablity in the long run.

readywithwellies Mon 01-Aug-11 22:05:25

Just to add to what the above have said. I set up an email address just for exh. We don't speak at all other than the odd word here and there. Everything is done via email. This way he cannot put me on the spot. If he or his silly bint ask me anything that requires any thought I reply 'I'll let you know via email' or if it's a bit complicated I say 'email me the details'. Much easier and no stress. Also you can deal with him when you want by only checking the email when it suits you.

Whata Mon 01-Aug-11 22:37:53

Many thanks for all your really helpful comments.

I can work with the shifting rota, hell have done it for the last 12 yrs and it really does not bother me personally that much.

OW is the driving force behind this, she thinks I tell her DP when he is away or not, this then gets fedback to her and as she is allegedly trying to make her relationship with her DP work, yet Ex is still hanging out for the day.........

It worked and then it changed, that annoys me massively. Not sure he understands what it means. However, I hate seeind DCs howl for their Daddy and I can not say 2 more sleeps to go etc.

Pathetic really we are being ruled by a selfish woman who refuses to leave her DP but keeps Ex hanging for tid bits and his DCS suffer.

Cock and c**t being served first - apologies for the crude analogy but feel sorry for DS who really is missing his Dad and what can I tell him - Daddy has an itch!!!!!!

Thanks for the support, appreciated from a long term lurker

DioneTheDiabolist Tue 02-Aug-11 00:42:22

Whata, you have got it right. You and your DCs are at the mercy of a cock and a cunt. It's time to take that control back! Not for your sake, for the sake of your kids who deserve to know what they can expect and when.

OW, may control your Ex's life but that does not mean she can do it to you and she certainly shouldn't do it to your kids. Put your foot down and know that you are doing what a mother should.

Gonzo33 Tue 02-Aug-11 09:50:17

I think you need to put your foot down now I am afraid. I know it is hard after being in the routine of being accomodating but you are entitled to a life too, and so are the children. They cannot wait around for Daddy all the time, sometimes he has to wait around for them.

blackeyedsusan Tue 02-Aug-11 22:49:56

he is being a grade one prat. email him and tell him that unless he gives you 2 weeks or one months notice of when he would like to see the children then he will have to accept that you have made plans for the children and the children may not be available. children need security and to know whaat is happening. it is unreasonable to expect 12 hours notice all the time.

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