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Surely this can't be right?

(26 Posts)
Mummalish Sat 30-Jul-11 08:48:53

So, ex sees ds regularly and is a good dad to him etc. However, he gives me no money (excuses, then unemployment etc). He's now working and I asked him (and CSA) how much he would be giving me towards maintenance each month. It is a pittance.

It does not cover a fraction of his food, clothes, living costs. Now I can understand that he does not need to cover any of my costs, but surely the child's costs should be split 50/50. He wants equal access, which I am fine with, and would never contest, as he is his father, but in my mind, he should contribute equally to his needs, financially.

I am killing myself trying to make ends meet, getting myself into debt just to keep a roof over our heads. Somehow this just seems so wrong. Fathers have all these rights (which they should have), but it's me who needs to cough up financially. How can this be right?

My son's costs are his food, clothes, rent costs, bills (he should really contribute at least some of this too, as I provide him with a home), shoes, outings etc. And what he proposes to give me just is ridiculous, yet it's what is awarded by the CSA, so he doesn't have to give me a penny more.

Seems he has the winning end here.

GypsyMoth Sat 30-Jul-11 10:19:19

I get £5 a week to share between 4 dc. Ex is unemployed.

Then I get £40 a week from littlest ones dad for him.

Life is unfair, but assume you get the child benefit, tax credits etc? And in his acess time he pays for what's needed then, I.e food, drink, outings?

mumatron Sat 30-Jul-11 10:23:57

i get £30 every 2 weeks for my eldest 2 dc.

not as bad a some but still a laughable amount when you have a 10 year old who grows like there is no tomorrow, needs new shoes/trainers about every 6 weeks and expects £5 a week for cubs. basically what their dad gives is pocket money.

I used to get more but their dad has moved in with someone who has 2 dc of her own so his wages now get shared between 4 dc.

TheOriginalNutcracker Sat 30-Jul-11 10:30:11

My advice is to expect nothing, and then anything you do get is a bonus.

It's not right but i found out the hard way that relying on xp to contribute towards anything is pointless.

I also get £5 a week between 3 children.

HappyMummyOfOne Sat 30-Jul-11 12:13:17

If he is giving you 15% of his wage and you match that plus you'll be getting CB and CTC then that is easily enough to cover a childs expenses re food/clothes/activities. Rent and bills you would have as an adult anyway - the same way in which your ex has these same bills as he also needs a home and a place for his child to stay.

Truckrelented Sat 30-Jul-11 13:38:21

Would he do 50-50 shared care?

You could do no CSA at all then but split all other costs 50-50 I think it would cost him more money then.

We do that, split child benefit 50-50, agree costs for the children for uniform school trips, hobbies, childcare, and then pay half each for it.

ilovesprouts Sat 30-Jul-11 13:41:15

my dd gets nothing from her sons dad,then again hes walked out on him since he was 3m old saying he cant be botherd

Vibrant Sat 30-Jul-11 17:23:16

I don't agree that I'd have rent anyway - while I would still have rent to pay it would be a lot less. If I didn't have to house dd then I'd be renting somewhere smaller, and wouldn't have had to stay stay within catchment of her school or near her father. I'd have all sorts of options.

itsnotpossibleisit Sun 31-Jul-11 07:52:07

I also got all sort of opinions. How is it possible that CSA takes into consideration someone else's children and reduce CM? What happens with the father of those chlidren? Does he get anything reduce as the mother of his children is getting extra money from new partner? Does CB and CTB increase because you get less CM as your ExP is paying for someone else's children?

I think we all know the answer to these questions. Of course we all want our children to have arealationship with their DD, they need it and so do we. However stays along has less financial strains and that is a reallity. CM do not cover what the child needs and in some cases it means that that child is living in poverty. I don't think this can be right.

I know someone may say that if the parent that keeps the children find a new partner and they move to live together she/he will be having more money to spend and less outgoings as everything will be share by two adults. But my question is, how many of you find the time to meet interest people and work in that relationship to ensure a good future? Because the reallity is that once children are in bed how has energy or the time for anything else?

Marshmallowflump Sun 31-Jul-11 08:05:04

Go back to the CSA talk to them tell them the reality of your finances , ask if they can pursue your ex case, they need to dig deeper and find out what he is really earning.
My ex stopped paying for few years, CSA caught up with him and as he was a big earner he had to pay the money backdated!, hope this gives you some hope do not give up it is his responsiblity to pay maintenance it is his child as well as yours, good luck.

GentlemanGin Sun 31-Jul-11 13:31:29

Just a quick comment from the other side...

Being a non res parent still requires a lot of the same outgoings even if it's an alternate w/e scenario.

I'm a fairly responsible nrp. I give XP £400 pm in CM which is above the CSA calc. I also contribute anothe £100 pm towards childcare, this may go up. May. 

For my part I rent a two bedroom house so that dd has her own room, I had to buy bed, bedding, furnature, books, clothes, toys, cutlery, shoes, etc etc. And despite already buying all this stuff for dd at her mums, I get no help from XP buying a second time. And I don't expect it.

The point I'm trying to make is that in these far from idillic situations, the nrp will also have the cost of a bigger house / flat to accomodate their child, and all the stuff like toys, beds etc are not any cheaper simply because they are used less.

I understand the day to day costs mount up, but there is another side to it all worth mentioning. If you're a responsible nrp and contribute decent CM , you are in addition to that having to incur further costs to create a second home that can accomodate dc comfortably.

Single mums who get little or no help from their XP's should get a medal however and more state support.  It must be increadibly hard from every angle. Especially in these uncertain times. 

I think nrp's who can't / won't contribute should be forced to work for free building nurseries and schools.

humptydidit Sun 31-Jul-11 13:55:58

I have 3 dc's and get FUCK ALL from their father. He says it's my fault for breaking up the family, I left as he was physically and emotionally abusive to me and the kids, so because I messed it up, I get nothing.

He quit his job and moved in with his mum so on paper he has nothing.

CSA have zero rated our file so we get nothing. CSA also told me that until he is in paid thru the books work, they basically aren't interested.


<rant over> grin

Mummalish Sun 31-Jul-11 17:38:20

GentlemanGin, sounds like you are a very responsible father.

I understand the cost of running the second NRP home too. But when the father is shacked up with a well paid woman, and his costs aren't massive, the fact that he gives nothing makes my blood boil. He has the money for the presents and toys, cutlery and all the little things at his house, but has no money for my child's day to day expenses. Seems to think that he is only a father every second weekend, and that's where it stops.

Just wrong.

alowVera Sun 31-Jul-11 17:46:05

If you do 50/50 care, or if DS sleeps over with ex more than 53 nights a year, then the CSS will not claim any money from him as he is seen as providing for DS.

alowVera Sun 31-Jul-11 17:46:21


GentlemanGin Sun 31-Jul-11 19:59:34


yes I agree. I couldn't live with myself if I contributed nothing to dd. She's my flesh and blood, has 50% of my DNA and I love her dearly.

It makes me angry too to hear about low life who could but don't contribute.

Truckrelented Sun 31-Jul-11 20:07:26

If you do 50-50 care whoever has the child-benefit is the resident-parent and can claim CSA. Although at a reduced rate.

WhoWhoWhoWho Sun 31-Jul-11 20:17:05

I agree with whoever said expect nothing and then anything you receive is a bonus. My ex pays £10 a week and I'm surprised everything week when he pays it. I think part of this is because of pointed comments he has received from friends who have actually stepped up to the plate in terms of maintenance and were shocked at his whinging.

Fortunately one of DS's parents as their priorities right so he's not going to go without in terms of clothes, food, etc.

JillyArmeen Mon 01-Aug-11 21:11:40

i get nothing from my x. at 1 point was giving me £40 a week which just covered nursery fees i pay, if i ever asked him for more towards shoes or clothes i got 'he dont cost you 40 quid a week does he?' obviously clueless, yes i would still have rent to pay if i didnt have ds but i would also be working 50 hours a week earning alot more than i can doing hours that fit in with childcare. i will be going to csa when he gets back to england

Vibrant Tue 02-Aug-11 13:05:53

I think the day xh gets over his anger at me for leaving is the day he will start to want to pay towards dd. I don't think he can get past that and out of victim status at the moment. In the meantime I feel very proud of myself for being the sole provider for dd, while also doing all the hard slog of the daily routine.

OneHundredPercentFucked Tue 02-Aug-11 14:20:34

I think they saying 'anything is better than nothing' comes to mind.

I get nothing for my two dc's. And have come to expect nothing. I was the one to move out, I was the one that incurred all the costs for furnishings etc etc. I don't do credit cards/loans. Although I have HAD to get tv/washer/cooker from BAYV as couldnt afford otherwise.

Like another poster said, expect nothing, anything else is a bonus.

Gonzo33 Fri 05-Aug-11 06:57:12

My exh has just gone s/e to get out of paying for ds. He has paid by way of deductions of earnings for the last 5 years maybe. Tbh I don't care about the monthly amount (not that I am rich or anything) but it's the principle. We were married when I had our ds, he wanted him at the time. Now he can't be bothered to see him or pay anything towards his upkeep. Our ds is 10, not a cheap age!

FeelingOld Fri 05-Aug-11 09:01:46

Another one here who gets nothing from ex-h.
He is self-employed and declares so little of his earnings that he doesnt have to pay me anything yet he has a brand new car, goes on holiday twice a year and has lots of weekends away with OW, always out for meals/cinema/days out at theme parks etc.
He has ds 1 night per week and takes him out etc but never pays a penny towards anything, i buy all school uniform, shoes, clothes etc, the only time he buys ds anything is birthdays and christmas but whatever is bought has to stay at ex house.
Ds is moving up to secondary school in sept and ex has (yet again) promised to buy some uniform but i know it will end up with him asking me to get it and that he will pay me back which he never does, am still waiting for the money back for his last pair of school shoes which he promised to buy.

How dont these NRP who pay nothing not feel guilty?

Imgoingtocounttofive Sat 06-Aug-11 17:42:04

alowVera, you're wrng I'm afraid. As truck said, the person who claims the child benefit can always claim CSA although it is pro rated for days spent with the non resi parent.
mummalish Although this is the case, don't you feel that if your ex has your child 50% of the time that his costs are the same as yours anyway?
Does he have a home for your son too? I understand that his new partner pays for most of it but that's really their business isn't it? I don't think that you can expect an awful lot of money from someone who has their child with them for half of the week...

Mummalish Sun 07-Aug-11 16:21:57

Imgoing, he doesn't have 50/50 care. He sees him twice a month, and often cancels.

So he certainly does not have him half the week. I am the one doing all the parenting, all the buying of his clothes, food, everything.

If he had him half the week I wouldnt expect anything, but it is his choice to have him when he does.

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