Can I trust mum?

[summitdifferent]

hi, I'm a dad raising my two children with the help of my parents who moved into my family home (reason being, I have to on occasion work abroad but the house comes with the job). Now, myself and my ex separated aproximately 18 months ago due to alcohol abuse on her part and for the safety of our children they remained with me. I'm currently overseas and due back next week and my ex is supposed to have the children for a week over the summer holidays. However, she looked after them recently and had to take one to the hospital because of an infection. It transpires that social services where called because the mum was under the influence of alcohol. No further action has been taken but it petrified me the thought that something could have gone so wrong. I want to trust the ex and to not deny the children time with their mum but can I risk them staying up there for a week? She has assured me that it won't happen again and a lot of bridges were built between us for her to start having them stay over again. Please advise :-) thanks

[WibblyBibble]

How old are they? I'd be worried if they're very young, otherwise it should be ok (also do they have a way to contact you from hers? If they phone every day you can keep an eye on how things are going and hopefully avoid any problems).

[gillybean2]

Has she accepted her alcohol issues or is she in denial?
How old are your dc?

[summitdifferent]

The little ones are eight and two. And the eldest has a mobile phone o I have directcommunications with he girls (mobile is only used for whenth girls are away) also ex has accepted there is a problem with alcohol

[Tortoiseonthehalfshell]

Given the last time, I think it would be reasonable to want to build up the contact again. So, not an entire week (especially for a two year old who spends all her time with you, who would be confused by that even without the alcohol issues) straight away, can she have them for overnights for now and see how it goes?

[summitdifferent]

The trouble with that is we live a good four hours apart. I mainly do all the leg work, driving the children up for weekends etc, get no maintenance of any description but do not want the relationship between mother and children to break down. I'm thinking, let the children stay on an honesty policy, if she finds that she needs a drink, I will come and collect them, with no hard feelings. If she does drink whilst the children are there then she will have to come to us for supervised visits only. Does that sound fair?

[cestlavielife]

is there other support where she lives? is there another adult you can have contact with to keep an eye and tell you what is going on?

if not, then no i wouldnt send them for a week until her alcohol is truly under control . as that was the issue before. you could speak to SS in your area and have them find out what was recorded. maybe Ss in her area can check on them.

i ahd a simialr situaiton aslt year (severe mental heath issues not alcohol) but the place where Dds was going - there was a specific adult i was in contact with who was going to bechecking on them daily. and it was a church camp so group thing with adults around. so i felt reasssured.

[cestlavielife]

but how will you monitor that? you cant rely on her can you?

what does the 8 year old say? what does 8 yr old say about the incident and how drunk was mum?

it is a big responsibility for an 8 year old to be honest.

a week is a long time - a long time for someone who is dependent to go without a drink??
make it two days and see if it goes ok.

[cestlavielife]

i think your insitncts are saying you cannto risk it for a week.
the only way i woudl do it is if i know another repsonsible adult up there where she l9vies (neighbour? friend?) who can make daily checks and report back to you. otherwise it isnt fair on the DC to be put at potential risk.

you want her to cope, you want her to have good relationship with DC - i know i tried that too - but ultimately they need to learn that their behaviour is not acceptable and promises are not enough. at 8 adn 2 they are far too young - you making the 8 year old responsible for the 2 year old's safety