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(5 Posts)
jekyllnothyde Wed 27-Jul-11 17:02:26

I stuck this on relationships but guess this is the best place?
A difficult breakup with ex, that has teetered near to solicitors and had periods when he hasn't seen our DS followed by times when we have got together again but at the moment we don't talk for either fear of getting back together or for having a row. So it all feels very cold, and I wonder what we could do to make it better?
There are issues between us. but also a real desire to do the best for DS. Trouble is communication has always been our downfall.
I know there is mediation over practical stuff but will that touch on emotions between us and finding a way to discuss how we want to parent.
Both of us need to row back a bit and build some trust to begin a new relationship as separated parents so was wondering has anyone tried counselling to split up finally, get some closure between us and to set up a co-parenting agreement that includes more than the practical bits?
And any advice about sorting out best possible co-parenting really appreciated

SirGin Wed 27-Jul-11 17:33:36

For me, I remember one piece of advice which was leave the past behind. Break ups obviously involve a lot of hurt feeling, sometimes transgressions etc, but constantly bring them up gets everybody nowhere.

I think it's crucial to put the past where it belongs and then purely concentate on your child. My XP and I each had an opportunity to rant express our feelings about the relationship past, why we were unhappy, feelings about events, but from that point on we didn't talk about it again.

In terms of co-parenting, conversations usually takes place in person, or on the phone, but email helped early on. But in terms of knowing the changes in dd's routines, what nursery to go to, her behaviour, good communication was essential.

We also almost went to court, and it was incredibly stressful. But with tongue biting, compromise and forgiveness we managed to develop a decent relationship / friendship < touch wood >

itsnotpossibleisit Wed 27-Jul-11 17:55:24

Don't have any answer but if anyone knows the secret I want to buy it grin

Hope you can get over this andcreate a relationship that works for your DS. I would love to be able to do it with ExP but it is impossible at the moment. People say it gets eaier with time so I am hoping that will be our case.

Good luck

jekyllnothyde Wed 27-Jul-11 18:26:00

SirGin did the rantfull and frank discussion as a one off work?
i sometimes wonder whether that will help. It's all those unspoken things in the air. Agree a time and place and let it all out, then draw firm line and get on with the business of parenting? I wonder if that's why we keep getting near solicitors then drawing back?
I don't want to go on digging over the past, but it does feel like neither of us has buried it yet so it does get in the way of parenting a bit more cooperatively than we do and I reckon we both know we can do it a bit better as a joint effort. DS is only just three so there's a long haul yet

SirGin Wed 27-Jul-11 19:25:01


Yes it did. I was very clear that I wasn't going to discuss the past anymore and if XP had anything to get off her chest now was the time. Although my XP did carry on a bit afterwards but I knew it was cathartic so I let her rip.

But I guess after a week or two there wasn't any more to be said. And I explicitly said I didn't want anything festering away in the back of everything. Water under the bridge, forgive and forget, moving on, past is the past etc.

I think it all needs to come out really. Like a detox.

But I would say you need to let the other person have their say without and interjection. Otherwise it just turns into an argument. So it can be a massive Tongue biting excercise.

But if it means good relations with XP for the next 20 years it's worth it

However.... at the time my XP started talking about how she'd 'allow' me to see dd, her whole language changed. She very much didn't like not being in control, and that is where problems started.

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