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why didn't he do it while we were together? I am so angry

(17 Posts)
itsnotpossibleisit Wed 27-Jul-11 15:49:15

DD is having the 2 years follow up with the health visitor tomorrow. ExP has decided to take the afternoon off to come along. I know I should be happy but what really makes me angry is that he has never done this while we were together. I have gone to A&E on my own, to walk in centres on my own even on sundays and now suddenly he is coming to this. What is wrong with him?. Before he couldn't be taking time off from work to do these things, not even for the jabs, and now he is taking time from work to come when they are not going to do anything at all, just ask some questions and that is all. Why didn't he do it before? Why???????

I know that you cannot change the past but it is just crazy that now he is trying to do all these things and it is really psetting me. I know I should be happy that he is showing interest in DD but does this mean that he was not showing interst in DD before or what? He has not even himself to give us a lift to go to the place even though he knows I do not drive. I imagine that he will expect to take DD with him as it is the day that he has her over for dinner. We do not even talk to each other. It is going to be very akward. I am not looking forward to it sad.

whiteandnerdy Wed 27-Jul-11 16:20:21

I really can't say for sure, but when your in a partnership you act as a team, therefore it doesn't really matter who actually does the taking to the hospital and who does the earning the monies their different roles in the partnership both parents are being responsible for the child in their own way.

However, when you split then your still both acting for the child's benifit but your no longer working as a team, just as your Ex nolonger shares the decisitions on what he does with the money he earns, your really not sharing by helping him with such child care issues.

I'd take this as a possitive that he's understand that he now has to expand his role to more child focused activites that would have been done by you when you were in a partnership. Just as you've probably expanded your role to cover some of the activities that your Ex would have done.

whiteandnerdy Wed 27-Jul-11 16:24:20

Grr, just read my reply back to myself .... hmm, oh well I know what I mean. Anyway you can expect alot more doubling up on things, such as beds, pajamas, who says goodnight, who does the telling off, who goes to sports day, who does the DIY.

itsnotpossibleisit Wed 27-Jul-11 16:53:09

I would love that that would have been the case whiteandnerdy when we were together. His mentality was as I did not work I had to do everything, the house, the child and he even said that he gave me £200 "pin money" (his words) to treat myself and he even checked my bank statement to see how I was spending my "pin money" as I told him that all the money went into the house.

I am glad that he is coming but maybe then he should start giving her daughter the full child maintenance that he is not paying as yet because there isn't a full separation agreeement. He is keeping £90 every month untill we agree a full separation agreement. And maybe he should also start thinking in what is best for his DD instead of putting himself first in everything.

slavetomyson Wed 27-Jul-11 20:21:19

He sounds to me like he's a bit of a control freak, he's had control over you in the past by giving you this pin money, and if he was really interested in co parenting his child properley he would've been more proactive in the past. I agree with the other posts that it's not to be criticised but i'm afraid leopards don't change their spots so he may have a hidden agenda. I'm sorry if I sound sceptical but I know all about men and their power struggles.. this one sounds no different to me. Go along with it, you do all the talking at the appointment and then ask him at the end if he has anything to add, be civil to him (this will wind him up) but be on your guard.. and don't let him see you're annoyed as this is what he wants. I'm sure it won't last forever, if he hasn't been interested in the past he's not going to keep this new level of interest up for long.. whereas being a mum is for life!! Just my opinion

ivykaty44 Wed 27-Jul-11 20:23:31

and now he is taking time from work to come when they are not going to do anything at all,

Thats why he is coming - he didn't want to see sick, pain or instruments -so avioded all the other appointments, now nothing is going to happen it will be safe to come along wink

ivykaty44 Wed 27-Jul-11 20:24:49

Go to the CSA and put in a claim - they will not allow him to control the money and make him hand over the money for his own child

itsnotpossibleisit Wed 27-Jul-11 20:38:28

Slavetomyson: he has been very controlling. What I am scare as you have pointted out is that he may have a hidden agenda. He has been playing games all along since I told him that we were separating 3 months ago. This has been recognised by him saying it to my face with a grim in his face. I am just scare of what he is hiding, I would realy like to know to be able to defence myself. At the moment I feel like I am left to his mercy. He came of Tuesday, after the letter was sent to his house which I do not understand why as I have changed address and doctors, and asked me if I was going to change the time. I told him that not that the time was fine with me and said that he would see us there before he left. He didn't even offer us a lift T**t.

Ivykaty44: CSA will have to be the last resort. My solicitor first has to contact his solicitor asking him to pay the full amount and if we do not get an answer then we will go to CSA

slavetomyson Wed 27-Jul-11 21:07:03

Have you been to the citizens advice regarding all your rights regarding your living situation, money etc? Even if your ex doesn't have an agenda, you're in a much better position if you know what he can and can't do to your life, then anything he says or does, you'll have an idea of where you stand. I did that as soon as we split up, it's worth it to protect yourself and your DC. I went to see CAB and a solicitor (first half hour free) and at least I know the score even though the situation is cr*p. Don't give him bait. He's not offered you a lift knowing it would wind you up. He doesn't sound like he cares a jot about anything other than himself and his power games. Don't rise to it hun, you can be more in control than he thinks you are, just don't give him ANY ammunition to use against you. Like I said before, be civil, be calm, but keep your feelings under your hat.

itsnotpossibleisit Wed 27-Jul-11 21:17:30

The thing is slavetomyson that I wanted to talk with the HV regarding some problems that I am having with DD to put her to sleep. I went to see her a month ago and she told me to talk about it in this visit. I do not want to talk about this things in front of him because he may use it against me, I know I can't trust him as he has already said that he may consider to go to court to say that I am an unfit mother and keep DD even though I have plenty of witnesses that would say I am a capable mother and it would be very difficult for him to prove it.

I am with a solicitor dealing with the separation, the problem of which we have not reached a separation agrement is because he believes that morally I am not entitle to my part of the the house we bought together. I am from Spain and I don't have any close family in this country. I had to leave the house we use to live DD and I because ExP said he could not leave because he would become homeless even though his parents live an hour away from where we live. I gave up my job after my maternity leave ended because we both agreed it was the best for DD and now I really regret it. I am in a financial situation where I may become homeless (real terms not like him) as I am not getting HB (long story) and if he would start paying those £90 that he is not paying I may be able to keep the house. The thing is that he does not care as he has never even sked how DD has settle in the new life style. In reality I know he does not care that is why him coming tomorrow makes me so angry

slavetomyson Wed 27-Jul-11 21:35:11

Firstly I would suggest ringing your HV in the morning and saying the appointment is fine but could you make a seperate appointment with her or offer to see her at her clinic without your ex knowing. Point out that things are delicate with your ex and that you would rather discuss certain issues ie the sleep at a different time. Presumably she's just doing a developmental check anyway. My mum is a health visitor and I know this sort of thing happens a lot, i'm sure she'd be sympathetic and would rather you discuss the real issues with her on your own than not at all.
Also I am no legal expert, but it's not as straightforward as your ex thinks to kick you out of the house, particularly as you are sole carer of your DC. Making you both homeless so he doesn't have to would have implications under the Children Act surely. Maybe this is why the seperation agreement is taking so long. Only your solicitor knows the ins and outs of this so I can't really comment further. Just wanted to say I think you're justified in feeling angry, I would be too, and hope it goes well tomorrow

itsnotpossibleisit Wed 27-Jul-11 21:40:41

Thanks a lot slaetomyson. I will ring her tomorrow and see if I can ask for another visit on my own with DD. I also wanted to ask her about DD having tantrums. ExP says that she never has tantrums with him that it is only with me and to be honest I canot believe him but I want to as her if this is possible or maybe it is something that I am doing wrong. DD loves her dad and goes with him very happy which I am glad but when she comes back after sleeping in his house (one night every weekend) she is very angry with me and it takes us wo days to go back to normality. I would like to know if this is normal and if I can do something to help her. ASking this things in front of him would be a bit difficult as he would deny anything. I d not know what to do

slavetomyson Wed 27-Jul-11 21:52:11

Yeah your health visitor would totally understand this. And the behaviour you're describing is really really common from other LP's i've talked to, and it happens to me too. I know he is happy enough with his dad, but as soon as he gets back to me it's like a switch has flipped. At one point he was trying to tip his bed over and trash his room. He's only four!!. I think unfortunately kids tend to have some sort of release valve when they get back to the main parent, and always play them up more. My theory is that they've spent so much time being 'good' for grandparents, ex's etc they're exhausted and just end up sounding off at the person who cares the most for them. My ex and his parents also do not believe that my DS has any bad behaviour issues at all (which is totally frustrating as they don't see the big picture). Someone once said to me to take it as a compliment as kids only push the boundaries most with the people they care about the most. (or maybe that person was just trying to make me feel better ha ha) I think the advice would be just to reassure and make DC feel as secure as you can, there's not much more we can do unless there are signs that there's anything else wrong of course..

KangarooCaught Wed 27-Jul-11 22:07:48

children only usually have tantrums for people they feel 'safe' with - it's a back-handed compliment of sorts that your dc feels totally secure in your love for them

and my children could take a good few days to settle down after being spoilt and indulged and out of normal routine having been away at the in-laws

have you been to citizens advice and also had a free 30 minute consult with a solicitor to see that you are a)getting all you are entitled to financially and b) are sure of your legal position

having a soon_to-be-ex who has been extremely unreasonable, suddenly switched to too reasonable is unnerving. knowing where you stand and what you are entitled to can give you strength

good luck

itsnotpossibleisit Wed 27-Jul-11 22:45:41

how do you both deal with the situation once they are back home? Sometimes I am not sure if I am doing the right thing. I am not very keen on the time out technique and I do not use it. I prefer to talk with DD and explain things to her but sometimes she gets in such tantrum that she won't even listen. What do you do?

gillybean2 Thu 28-Jul-11 09:03:56

Sorry slight tangent - If it is difficult fo you to get to your HV won't they come to you? I seem to recall the HV came to our house for the 2 year check.

Definitely warn the HV that your ex is coming along and what the situation is between you. Tell him/her if you think your ex may have an agenda for this and ask if you can see her afterwards without your ex there (or a a different date) as you want to discuss some sleep issues etc with her.

Also try asking your ex if he intends to take dd straight from the clinic as it is his evening with her. If he does then you can probably see the HV half an hour later without having to make a return journey and he wouldn't need to know about it.

Lemonylemon Thu 28-Jul-11 14:37:25

Itsnot I used to get the bad behaviour from my DS when he came back from his Dad's. I used to say that it was unacceptable and gave him time out on the naughty step. But apart from that, I'd try to keep things as "normal" as possible when your DD gets back home. I realise you don't really approve of the time out method, but it might be time to instigate it to bring the level of stress down a notch.

By the way, your DD is 2 - it's "that age" for tantrumming!

On another tangent, your ex might be insisting on coming along to these meetings so you can't say anything about him..... think of it that way.... I don't think that you necessarily need a meeting with your HV to discuss your DD's bedtime, a chat on the phone should do the trick. If you post on these boards, there are plenty of mums who can give you advice as to tricks you can employ to make bedtimes easier for the two of you. Hope this helps....

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