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6 months pregnant and not in love with my OH

(17 Posts)
skye33 Tue 26-Jul-11 14:51:43

Hi all new to this site and really need some advice. Im 26 weeks pregnant and living with my partner problem is we keep rowing all the time and i feel very down and emotional. Everything he does seems to irritate me ( despite the fact that most of the time he is trying to be sweet and understanding ) and the underlying cause of this irritation is the fact that im not in love with him and only movedin because i found out i was pregnant. We had only been together a year and the baby was unplanned. I wasnt sure i really wanted the baby to start off with because of doubts over our relationship ( however being 35 and having had 2 abortions in my 20.s i knew i couldnt go down that road again ) and the cracks are now starting to show.

He is a good guy and will make a great dad im sure. He is kind and generous looks after me doesnt go out partying or boozing much now and works very hard. However i just know he not right for me in so many ways and the only reason im here is because of the baby.

Really dont know what to do for the best . I keep threatening to leave when we have arguments but i dont have my own place and my mum is very elderly so wouldnt really work living with her. I wondered if i should try and stay till after the baby is born and just try and get on even though im not happy or in love then see how things progress. I know how stressful it ll be once the baby comes and just dont see how things will get better if they are how they are now already ! ( however being a single mum with not much support and my job as cabin crew will be even harder i imagine )

I really hope a lot of it might be hormones but my instinct tells me its more than that......Im gettting worried that my stress and crying is harming the baby and above all i just want to what is best for her. I moved away from where i was living to be with my OH so dont know many people round here for support which doesnt help. His mum is very sweet and is going to be a big help when baby is born am i mad to leave at this point to try and be on my own or wait till after baby is born? So confused as to what it right thing to do just cant stand the thought of being together with someone who i dont love. However i dont want to upset him more than i already have as he wants me to stay and know it would break him to have a split family even before the baby is born... seems such a sad situation to be in and im so angry at myself for getting pregnant with someone i wasnt in love with ... i did want a baby but with someone i was really happy with dont know where to turn as i dont want too many of my friends to know how unhappy i am as i feel i am so lucky in many ways that i should just be happy to be pregnant and have a decent man to support me who will be a great dad.... any advice would be so appreciated.

SirGin Tue 26-Jul-11 15:20:26

skye

I was with the mother of my dd for 6 months when she said ' do you think my boobs are bigger ' one day. And lo the preg test was positive ! We weren't living together and really hadn't had a chance to see how robust our relationship was and if we were really in love. It wasn't a planned baby. ( the BC said 'spontaneous conception' )

To start with you need to stop crying. really. Despite your dilemma you have a beautiful baby growing inside you and her/his happiness will be your main priority, I think you need to look at the situation from a detached stance if possible.

In my situation I didn't feel like I was in love with my XP, I was there for her, I was supportive but..... it just wasn't there. For her part she became very critical of me, the things I did, the things I didn't do. Eventually neither of us could take it anymore and we split.

I'm sure others are better qualified to comment on the value of a reliable good man vs a man you love, but it doesn't sound like a sound foundation for a family.

However. A split family doesn't have to mean doom and gloom. Financially it's more of a stretch but there are believe it or not some advantages.

The best thing I think you can do is be honest, even if that means asking your DP for a truce on those decissions until the baby is born. You seriously don't want to be getting upset at this stage.

SirGin Tue 26-Jul-11 17:35:40

skye, also there is a thread here in relationships about people who've fallen out of love with their DPs. Might be of some help.

skye33 Tue 26-Jul-11 17:50:49

Thanks for the advice SirGin. Helps to hear from someone in similar situation and from a male perspective ! Your right in that i have to focus on the baby and make that our priority. Think a frank chat about our situation and calling a truce till after the baby is born sounds very sensible rather than rows and threats from either side which acheive nothing except make us both unhappy. The hardest thing is going through something so amazing with someone who i know i dont love and for him knowing this must be awful. Think i need to understand how he feeling bit more too i guess and both be strong unit for the baby.

The question of whether i choose a good reliable guy over someone i truely love is at the core of all this and i know in my heart already that i cannot spend the rest of my life and have more kids with him so that is what makes me so sad and frustrated. Guess i just have to keep saying to myself that i am where i am at this point in time nothing going to change things ( going over bad decisions i made in my head not going to help i know ) and make the best of it for the baby sake.

I know lots of people manage to have split families and it works okay guess it just wasnt quite the dream scenario i envisaged.What are the advantages ?! Think i just have a lot of blame i put on myself for not walking away when i had the chance before i got pregnant and when i knew things werent right but i stayed cause at that time it was easy to have the relationship where we didnt see too much of each other and lived seperately so things were fun and laid back !

Anyway im going to try and be more positive and not get overwhelmed with it all for the time being. Thanks

skye33 Tue 26-Jul-11 17:51:29

thanks so much will have a look

SirGin Tue 26-Jul-11 18:47:14

Skye, it's also unfair on both of you if it means neither are free to be with someone they love.

Also there is no point dwelling on past mistakes. I felt it was sad me and XP weren't suited, but i love my dd more than anything and if i'd called off the relationship ( or terminated ) she wouldn't be around.

Advantages ? Erm... well for me when dd comes to stay I have her to myself, so I get to bath her, feed her, put her to bed, comfort her etc etc on my own. These things defaulted to XP when together. Also it means XP gets a break to recharge. DD also has two homes. One in the city and one in the sticks.

I think thehardest task is to keep on good terms with your DP. He is going to be confused , hurt and worried, but talking is good however hard the subject.

Orbinator Tue 26-Jul-11 20:08:18

Hi Skye can empathise a bit here. Am a week overdue and my ex and I didn't make it past 16wks as a couple. We've tried a couple of times since but really he doesn't know what he wants and I don't want to chain him to a family life if its going to make him resentful and regret having his daughter. He left the day after we found out it was a girl - he had been wanting a boy badly - and a lot of things became clear to me about what kind of father he would potentially be.

I can't help with how to make decisions on maintenance/access, etc as we've yet to resolve that, despite my best efforts shock but don't do it when you are emotional, is all I can recommend. Worth bearing in mind the emotional upheaval after birth in this instance too.

I'd focus on the baby, as you said, as there is no point adding stress. My ex and I argued for about 2 months and I was quite worried that all of the crying would somehow harm the baby. But they are very robust little things and all of the millions of other times you have been happy and laughing will balance any hormones out.

All the baby will need is love and support. You can do this separately and still have a very healthy and happy daughter. It might help to read a couple of books on being a single mother through/by choice. There are also a few websites like the one below (although be warned some turn very anti-male and are a little scary!). www.singlemothers.org/.

I also know a fair few women who are single mums and don't believe that they don't get propositioned by a lot of men! Actually they seem to have more luck than my single friends. I've often wondered if men secretly like knowing the woman can cook and look after them wink. You don't have to worry that the other parent will undermine you either ("But I told her she could have chocolate if she washed her hands!" etc, etc).

IMO it's much healthier for the child to grow up in a stable environment than one where the two of you bicker and snap at each other because you resent the other for your lack of happiness.

Good luck, and I hope some of what I've said helps. Feel free to PM me if you ever want to chat grin

chocolatchaud Tue 26-Jul-11 20:16:52

Hi skye - sorry to hear you are feeling so upset. I haven't really much to add, other than to say that during my pregnancy with DC1 I felt exactly the same as you about DH. We had been together for a years and I loved him, but my hormones were running wild I even ended up looking for flats to move into.

Things may or may not work out for you as a couple, but this really isn't the best time to try to make decisions. If I were you, I would stick with him and see how things work out. Yes, it will be stressful when your baby arrives, but it is for any couple. There's no point in throwing it away before it's even begun IYSWIM.

(I am still with DH by the way, and very happy despite his many shortcomings - of course, I am perfect wink)

pickgo Tue 26-Jul-11 21:06:18

I too think it might be worth hanging on for a while after your baby arrives. If you can see he's a nice guy and will be a good dad that at least should earn enough respect for you to jog along for a while. OTH if it starts to become really stressful then I think you need to ask him to go at least temporarily for your health's sake. Only you know when it gets to that level.

angrywoman Tue 26-Jul-11 22:58:54

I was in your position. I stayed with him for 7 years and had 2 more children! He seemed so dependable at first, I thought I was making a choice to be with someone sensible for a change (ideal dad etc etc). By the time we had our third I knew I would have to end it. We were never in love, though we did have fun times. Turns out the dependability was all just a facade anyway. How well can you know someone after a years casual sex? He became increasingly abusive. Sorry, but I say get out now... try to be honest though first? In the long run you have your self respect to think of which will take a hammering the longer you try to live some kind of lie.

angrywoman Wed 27-Jul-11 10:39:19

Obviously some will disagree but you seem to know already, deep down that you don't want to be with him. My ex got very attached to our baby. This made separation all the more difficult, to the extent that I put it out of my mind. Like you I had no support and could not imagine being on my own with this very demanding (arent they all?)baby. I wish now that I had been brave enough to make that break when I was first pregnant, maybe even never told him about it! The good thing is there is support out there and lots of single mums. To break now would be hard but could save an awful lot of heartache in the long run. Maybe take some time away from him to see how you feel.

Orbinator Wed 27-Jul-11 11:06:23

I do think you are lucky in that you can see he will be a good dad. This could either make it easier or harder to break up though - at least you know he is capable of parenting alone, even if he doesn't want that.

I'd still say try not to do anything while your hormones are in full swing though - I know I said some very nasty things to my ex (although he kind of deserved them) but wish I hadn't as it made it all quite a dark time.

I'm hoping you posted and then made up with him and feel better. Hormones can be crazy things and hopefully your post was just a vent.

Still, if you did want some advice or ideas on practicalities of doing it alone I stand by those books and am free to talk as I said.

skye33 Wed 27-Jul-11 12:00:43

Thanks so much everyone for all the advice has helped so much and my head feels in a much better place today. ( Hormones = mood swings !!) I think the overriding feeling im getting now is to stay put and avoid any unneeded stress in these last 3 months realistically trying to move out and find somewhere to live etc is not going to be a easy ride at this point. Tbh he is at work all day anyway and works all day sat so we dont really even see each other that much so it is workable though as ive said not exactly what i dreamed of ! Problem is knowing your not in love with someone and as Pink

We did have a chat last night and both apologised for nasty things said in heat of moment and have decided to focus on the baby first and foremost. Angry woman im sorry to hear about your predicament think slightly different to mine as in he never abusive to me and actually very kind ( which almost makes the decision harder ) if that was the case i would leave now and take the leap to do it on my own . Though your point of him becoming attached to the baby is a good one i guess that is inevitable and i would never not want him to be in the babies life as we went in to this together and i would expect him to always be involved as im sure he would want to be. However im not naive to the fact that once someone has been hurt his attitude may change greatly and that worries me ....

Anyway going to try and be more positive and maybe bit less wrapped up in my feelings next time i feel the gloom coming over me and try and take a more detached stance rather than letting the hormones take over and saying and doing something rash that i end up regretting

SirGin Wed 27-Jul-11 12:03:24

I'd be happy to give a male perspective too if that helps.

skye33 Wed 27-Jul-11 12:13:36

Thanks SirGIn male view point does really hel, your point about not being fair on either of us staying if not in love does resonate and in my heart i know that i would have left if the baby hadnt come along. However your right dwelling on the past is not getting me anywhere " I am where i am " and im sure once the baby comes into my life ill appreciate it was the right thing to happen even if that is hard to see through all this at the moment.

Does sound like it could work after the baby is born if we do decide to seperate seems there are advantages i hadnt thought of and guess as long as the baby is loved by both of us then shouldnt be too bad. Though think like you said the hardest bit is staying on good terms through it all .....

angrywoman Wed 27-Jul-11 12:15:58

My ex was NEVER abusive to me until about 2 years into the relationship after we got a house together. I sure wouldn't have stayed otherwise. I never suspected he would ever behave abusively as at first he seemed dedicated to being a dad, caring, considerate.....
Indeed, when someone is hurt, their attitude can change completely. This is hard to be saying, just giving you the other perspective.

skye33 Wed 27-Jul-11 13:25:03

That must ve been very hard situation to be in and come as a real shock to find out he wasnt the man you thought he was. Appreciate your honesty and guess you never really know someone as much as you think. I would hope he wouldnt be abusive but when someone is hurt they can change i guess. Hope your situation is better now you left him and well done for making the break cant have been easy for you

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