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I have to breach contact agreement

(18 Posts)
stickymits Mon 25-Jul-11 23:44:09

I have a very dominering exh. Past history - There was no need for him to go to court to get a contact agreement (certain he has NPD) he went to court and got a contact order. In court i asked for help with holidays and all i got was 3 weeks for the whole year (He never kept to this). He said his important job stopped him helping anymore and he should also be free to go away with his girlfriend. Move on 18 months and he tells me him, his girlfriend and her DC's are going away and they are taking my youngest (DS 6) His two older siblings who are over 16 do not want to go. DS is disraught and is refusing to go. He see's Exh every other weekend. So i have said he won't be going. He has now gone back to court and got another contact order saying i must make DS go. What will happen to me if i don't comply. DS is adamant he won't go. I feel trapped between a rock and a hard place. Exh won't listen to me or DS. He says he has booked the holiday and he will go back to court for compensation if i do not hand DS over.

MJHASLEFTTHEBUILDING Mon 25-Jul-11 23:57:44

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gillybean2 Tue 26-Jul-11 00:03:01

Do you suspect this is a permanent move and he won't return your ds? do you have welfare concerns for your ds? On what grounds do you want to stop your ds from going?

Why is your ds distraught at the idea of going on holiday with his dad? If he sees him every other weekend, and goes happily to thatm then surely this is just nerves or worried about being without his brothers ir feeling homesick rather than not wanting to be with his dad.

Why have you said he won't be going rather than trying to encourage him and seeing the positives?

If a court has ordered that your ds should go, and you don't make him available then yes you will probably have to pay compensation to your ex for the costs incurred.

MJHASLEFTTHEBUILDING Tue 26-Jul-11 00:07:29

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stickymits Tue 26-Jul-11 00:09:22

DS has never spent time with exH on his own. He always has his older siblings with him when he visits on his weekend. They are now fed up going as they want to go out with their friends (school holidays). There is no problem with general contact arrangements and exh understands he can't force other Dc's to go as they are over 16. The main problem is because i have said no. He says i am trying to 'controlling him'. Older dc's have told him younger ds does not want to go but it has had no impact on the situation.

gillybean2 Tue 26-Jul-11 00:12:15

But he won't be on his own. You said youe ex's girlfriend and dc's will be there too.

When is the holiday? Maybe send him to spend some time at his dad's before the holiday without his brothers so he can see he'll be fine.

MJHASLEFTTHEBUILDING Tue 26-Jul-11 00:12:57

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gillybean2 Tue 26-Jul-11 00:15:39

He's not a baby any more. He goes to school without his big brothers being there doesn't he. If they're not going to go any more to visit their dad then he's going to have to get used to going on his own as he's not old enough to make that decision yet.

You don't seem to have any valid reasons for breaching the court order from what you've said. The court won't look favourably on you and your ex would likely be granted compensation if he were to seek it.

I know it's not what you want to hear.

stickymits Tue 26-Jul-11 00:21:07

Ds does not go happily to exh every weekend. It has been a battle from the start. I put on a happy face and say all the things you should say as they leave. I have had to peel him off me sometimes and hand over a screaming child. I can't watch as his tear stained face disappears in the car anymore. On return he runs in and attaches himself to me for the rest of the evening. Since the news of the holiday he has had nightmares about losing me. I know what its all about. My ex hasn't helped from the start. He refuses to allow him to have his own clothes on when he is at his and stops him bringing his own toys saying he has toys for him at his.
If i ask how the weekend with exh has gone he says he doesn't remeber of stop talking about it. My gut feeling is not to let him go.

MJHASLEFTTHEBUILDING Tue 26-Jul-11 00:28:13

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MJHASLEFTTHEBUILDING Tue 26-Jul-11 00:29:44

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gillybean2 Tue 26-Jul-11 00:30:57

You need to take him to your GP and ask for help for him to deal with these issues. If you have confirmation that he is suffering mental health issues and trauma because if this then you can ask the court to look at that evidence.

Family councelling may also be advisable to help you and your ds to explain to your ex how this is affecting him. Is your ex likely to agree or can you request it next time he takes you to court. Remind him that it is of benefit to your ds that you work together for his wellbeing.

Can you talk to the girlfriend at all? Is this something you could discuss with her if you do talk with her?

MJHASLEFTTHEBUILDING Tue 26-Jul-11 00:31:03

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notsorted Tue 26-Jul-11 09:33:36

Do go and see the GP and see if you can see a child psychologist - they are a bit like health visitors really but talk to the child and you. Is there someone else who can act as a mediator between you and ex, to explain that you are worried by DS's upset and it's not the principal of the holiday you object to, but his reaction to it?
Shame it's school holidays as sometimes schools can bring in other people to discuss issues such as this. You are worried - which is absolutely fine -, your son is anxious, and your ex sees it in terms of you thwarting contact. To what you can to not make a parental tussle over contact but rather as you trying to engage with professionals to work out cause of DS's distress, hopefully your ex and court should respond to that.

niceguy2 Tue 26-Jul-11 11:37:33

Personally I think DS should go. There's no reason he shouldn't.

But I suspect there's a more fundamental problem here. And that's why DS is so upset each time he goes to his father's. A weekend is not a long time and something they should get used to fairly quickly if it's regular.

I am guessing the problem could be that DS has picked up on your reluctance and your hatred for your ex. That might be why he doesn't want to go as he feels like he's betraying you and then reluctant to talk when he's back. you say you put on the "happy face" and whilst you might be saying the right things when the time comes, perhaps he's sensing your pain in other ways? Or perhaps he hears stuff when you are talking to others?

I think the root cause needs dealing with. The holiday is merely a symptom.

stickymits Tue 26-Jul-11 18:14:42

General contact is not an issue. I have never breached the weekend contact as i know and want dc's to have a good as possible relationship with exh. Like i said i hand over DS sometimes by physically pulling him off me and handing him over. It had got better the last few months. Exh has told DC's not to talk to me about what they do at their dads and i do not question them as i can see they don't like it so finding out what the problem is is tricky. From some things i do know is that the DC's are generally bored. Older Dc's take themselves off after their first night stay and stay with friends. Exh has never really bonded with DS which to me seems the main problem. I suggested he should have DS on his own before the holiday but he can't as going away with his mates and any other time he sees them he is with his girlfriend. He just won't listen to me or DS. He needs to spend more quality time with DS which he refuses to do. He used to have them one evening in the week until 18 months ago when he went back to court to have that removed.

cestlavielife Wed 27-Jul-11 10:56:56

well a holiday together even with other people sounds like quality time ..... so the ideal time for them to go off together

MJHASLEFTTHEBUILDING Wed 27-Jul-11 13:10:46

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