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TracieB Mon 25-Jul-11 09:07:06

Hi there, I need some help please.
I am at the start of divorcing my husband. We have a 4 year old girl who is the light of our lives.
Whilst we are trying to be amicable the house is a very sad place to be and she has picked up on this, she is a complete limpet at the moment and has me in tears when I drop her off at nursery.
I have it all worked out in my head, what we need to say to her and how we need to deal with this. We have come to agreement about almost everything so far.
However, I can't even type this without crying. I cry in my sleep.
I'm not sure I will be able to get a sentence out of my mouth whilst remaining "up beat and positive for your child".
How on earth do I do this????
Any advice would help.

gillybean2 Mon 25-Jul-11 09:31:53

It is fine for your dd to know and see that you are unhappy and you shouldn't try and hide that from her. In just the same way it is ok for her to feel sad too.
Perhaps allowing yourself to be sad and not tryigng to be brave in front of your dd all the time will help you allow those feelings to come out.

Tell her it is sad, but also tell her you and daddy makeeach other sad and that by living in different homes it will mean you are not so sad in the future and can concentrate on being teh best mummy and daddy for her that you can be.

If you know that nursery is a trigger point for you then you need to tackle that. Does it have to be you that drops her off - can her dad or a neighbour take her sometimes? Can you speak to the staff to explain the situation and ask for their advice. They may suggest that you drop her at the door and walk away straight away. This means that your upset won't be so aparent to your dd and she won't then get so clingy worrying that something is wrong.

Crying isn't a bad thing in itself. It is your body tring to cleanse itself and when you accept that and allow yourself to cry then you can hopefully start to move past that. Don't force it and don't try and move on faster than is right for you. This will all take time.

Do you have friends and family around you for support?

TracieB Mon 25-Jul-11 09:53:48

Thanks for answering Gillybean2, I have no family or friends and we only moved here 3.5years ago so don't know anyone very well.
Nursery are aware, in fact they have just called to see if I am OK.
OH works away a lot and travels further to work so can't drop off, some mornings she is fine at drop off but others are hard. She's having nightmares about us leaving her at the moment and won't let me out of her sight. It's really hard to know how she has got this into her head as we have been very careful about what we say in front of her, but she's a clever little thing.
My parents are older and live in France and I lost touch with my sister many years ago. His family are scattered across the country but are wonderful, none of them live near us but she will end up spending family events with them (Christmas etc.) otherwise it would be a very boring time with just me.
I hope to stay in touch with at least some of his family, they have always been lovely to me, and as this is all his fault I hope that they will still welcome me from time to time.
First my Dad and then I used to be in the forces so moved around a lot and never really kept in touch with anyone. I have always worked full time and for the last 15 years in a Management role, so have very few friends and the ones I have are not close ones more like colleagues and ex colleagues.
I don't have a social life, I have lived for my family and my work.

gillybean2 Mon 25-Jul-11 10:05:31

She's probably anxious that if you go away you may not come back, just like daddy is going away and won't be coming back home.

You both need to reassure her, explain that you both still love her and that nothing she will do will ever stop you loving her.

Children tend to focus in on theselves and worry that they did something bad to make this happen, and that if dad/mum has left (or is leaving) that the other parent may leave them too.

Don't worry too much about the future, time is a great healer but it takes a heck of a lot of time before you get there. Just concentrate on being teh best mummy you can be each day, and if it isn't all you hoped for then you have tomorrow to try again. Being the best mum you can be doesn't mean be supermum, it means do what you can on any given day.

Like you I have very little support from friends or family. But you'll find lots of it here. Try not to worry. Children are resillient and adaptable and as long as you can talk and answer her questions and keep loving her no matte rwhat, she will be fine. And in time so will you. ALthough it may not seem that way at the moment.

TracieB Mon 25-Jul-11 11:06:20

Thank again Gillybean2

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