Ex husband/kids/first weekend away...(3 Posts)
Hi guys, I am new to this website, but needed to share and stuff, so thought I'd give it a go. ExH and I got divorced December 2009 and I remarried last September, but he only moved out this past Tuesday!!! We have 4 kids together, aged 9, 7, 6 and 5, and I have a 2YO with my new DH...
Because it had taken him ages to move out (complicated and a WHOLE other story!!!), we had worked out a 'rota' for him to have them every other weekend, and his first weekend was this one. I ahve always bent over backwards to make sure I fit around his plans. He pays me maintenence for the kids, although his new gf (affectionately known by DH & I as "the whale") thinks I spend it on myself LMAO. SHe also doesn't hink he should "babysit" for me, only if it's to benefit the kids.
I heard from a friend that the whale was out with him and the kids yesterday doing swimming lessons etc, playing happy families. I phoned yesterday evening to say goodnight to the kids and ExH said he's had a "sh*t day" (almost the first thing that came out of his mouth - nice, since he has basically ignored the kids all week). I spoke to eldest DS (9) and he said the others had been fighting over "daddy's new Wii".
The thing is, before he moved out, he was around ALL the time, it actually drove me mad. For a start, I have no idea how he hasn't lost his job, he spends so little time there. But anyway, he's gone from that to not speaking to the kids at all this week.
The kids behave beautifully when they are with me and DH, in fact I frequently get compliments when we are out in public about how well behaved and polite they are, but when they are with him, the younger 3 become demons. Eldest DS is the studious type and much more measured in his behaviour, but even he gets drawn into it sometimes.
The kids think the sun sets when he sits down (except eldests DS), but I am quite worried that he's going to quickly go off the idea of having them to stay. They asked if he was picking them up from school on Friday, but he can't have them on Fridays usually cos he goes out. So he picked them up yesterday at 9.30am and is dropping them back here at 3pm. I'm not really sure why he's not keeping them til tea time (I am doing a roast).
I had a guilt trip the other week, having spoken to a male friend who has an ex who won't let him see his kids much, and gets the hump if he's a minute late, and asked my ex if he wanted the kids for more time than 2 nights a month and he laughed and said he didn't even know if he'd cope with the time we've already arranged.
I am starting to get over the bits when the kids have said they wanted to live with Daddy, which they did to start with. I am very proud of the mum I am, but I do want to make sure they spend quality time with daddy, and I am worried that's going to be phased out, or he'll ask to have them 2 at a time every other weekend.
I am not really sure what my point is, but it has helped to get it down, anyway...
Thanks for listening, and any input...
PS They will be home in an hour, and I can't wait!!!!!!!!!
Just trying to work out the set-up - were you all living together (you, DH & ex) with kids up too recently? Just trying to figure out if that would have an effect on all of this as it can't have been easy for anyone esp the ex.
Often men can lose confidence with their kids when it comes to managing solo, they don't tend to have the support that we (mums) do like friends with children at similar ages, mothering websites etc so they can struggle. If he is having discipline issues can you help him find strategies that might work best?
The DCs seem to have a good relationship with him and that's really positive, it might grate with you now but when they are older it will pay dividends. My teen DSS was just talking about a friend who isn't close to his dad (never allowed much contact) and my DSS says that even often he (the friend) will cry about it, that's for any teen boy to be open with the feelings about the separation from the father must run quite deep.
it is the first weekend. stick rigidly to every other weekend they go with him no ifs no buts (from him or the dc) and give it time to settle down . see how it is going after say three months
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