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writing a will.... will this stop ds's dad getting custody of him if i died?

(29 Posts)
juicychops Fri 22-Jul-11 18:14:29

my ds's dad has been absent from ds's life for the last 5 years since ds just turned 1 (ds 6.5 now) through his own choice. since then there has been no acknowledgement on passing eachother in the street or contact of any shape or form (apart from last month when he was a complete dick head and anounced in front of ds in a park that the little kid he was with was ds's brother - leaving ds completely confused)

I cant see ex choosing to have contact any time in the near future and ds doesn't seem to want to know his dad for the time being. and my opinion is that ds is better off not having him in his life after all this time until of course when ds is old enough to decide he wants to meet him.

My worst fear is that ds's dad will claim parental responsibility if i was to die. this would be a man who is a complete total stranger to ds and i don't want him grabbing this chance to worm his way back into ds's life especially if its not even in ds's wishes or best interests. Also, i don't want his dad to have any chance what so ever of getting his hands on anything i leave ds - which would be every penny i own.

Will a will ensure ds gets to live with my sister as we have agreed? I would want all my money to go to ds and my dad as beneficiary. i have enough people around me and ds to fight against ds's dad and to prove he's not had anything to do with ds for all these years.

Would a will sort this out for definate?

GypsyMoth Fri 22-Jul-11 18:28:09

no,i dont think they do! sorry,but maybe see a solicitor. parental responsibility can be gained by him any time (if judge grants it,which they hearly alays seem to)

it would likely end up in court with social workers involved to identify what would be best for your ds,but his dad would have a big part in it if he wanted to

rubin Fri 22-Jul-11 18:31:07

I'm not legally astute, but if your DS's father is on his birth certificate then he will already have parental responsibility & if so, no matter what you put in your will he will have the right to say where your child lives. I might be wrong, but certainly that was what I was told by my solicitor when I drew up a will.

I doubt he would have any right over your finances though.

juicychops Fri 22-Jul-11 18:46:51

see this makes me absolutely shit myself when i think i could die tomorrow, then where would poor ds be? He has close family on my side who he's grown up with, and his great aunt on his dad's side is the next closest he has after me. But his dad, he is no one and nothing to ds. He knows nothing about him other than the bare basics i have told him and i dread to think what would happen if he got custody of him.

He has another kid who's 3 i think, and he goes through long periods of not seeing that one. He has another on the way with another woman and she's moved away so that he can't have anything to do with the baby bacause he's so fucked up in the head.

I fear dying not because of fear of death, but fear of leaving ds alone.
I regret every day that his dad is on the birth certificate. it is the biggest mistake i have ever made in my life. He cheated on me during late pregnancy and we broke up. We got back together when ds was born and i put his name on the birth cert and gave ds his surname, only for him to then mentally and physically abuse me straight after and then cheat on me again and leave me. BIGGEST mistake of my life and one that will haunt me forever

gillybean2 Fri 22-Jul-11 19:13:14

You can state your wishes and ask for this to be taken into consideration in the event of your death. If your ex then contests it your wishes will be in writting and can be taken into account, but there is no guarantee a court will uphold them. Without it he would automatically be given your ds as he has PR, unless he chooses to decline him.

Re your estate, you need to get this sorted out properly as a child can't inherit. But you can put everything into a trust and have your dad and/or his aunt look after the trust and the money on his behalf until he reaches a certain age.

juicychops Fri 22-Jul-11 19:45:08

yeah thats fine as my dad will be ds's beneficiary and will get all the money. Are there ways for ds's dad to have his parental responsibility taken away?
I know he will always biologically be ds's dad, but is there a way to take away the automatic responsibility that he legally has at the moment?

GypsyMoth Fri 22-Jul-11 21:18:31

no there isnt!! Can you imagine there was? its not going to happen

accept your ds will go to his dad. why are you so fixated on dying? if his dad doesnt want him then all well and good,but its your ds legal right to see his dad,this extends to living with him as well. the courts will seek to protect that right.

judges hardly ever revoke PR.

juicychops Fri 22-Jul-11 21:40:45

im not saying ds cant see his dad when he's old enough to choose to see him. Im not fixated on dying, i want to make sure that in the event of my death by ds isn't thrust into the home of a complete stranger rather than with someone he knows and loves and has spent his life with! I dont care if ds's dad is biologically related to him, he's not his 'dad' in all other definitions of the word.

GypsyMoth Fri 22-Jul-11 22:00:19

well unfortunately you can only inform of your preferences. he wouldnt be a complete stranger for long,and i'm sure those who know him would help make it easier for him

asked why you seemed fixated as wondered if there was some back story..illness or something

adamschic Fri 22-Jul-11 22:09:41

I wrote a will with a solicitor when DD was little. It set out what would happen to my money (had my house etc) if I died and who I wanted to bring my DD up if that happened. Which was my sister with my brother being executor to the money, which meant that he would overlook how my fortune grin would have been managed for DD.

A clause also said that as DD's bio dad had shown little interest in her then it wouldn't be in her interests for him to gain custody but that she should be involved with his wider family (who were alreadly there for her). My solicitor said that this would have gone a long way, legally.

Fortunately I am still here and she is 18 next year but yes, I think you should lodge a legal document with your wishes for peace of mind.

NikkiL Fri 22-Jul-11 22:09:53

Ignore IloveTiffany..this person is antogonstic on every posting that involves shit dads and worried mums. Please ILoveTiffany, I presume you are a loving and kind father who worries about fathers rights. This is commendable and its good to know that men are out there who will do anything for their children. But you must realise that some people-male and female, are not cut out to be parents/role models, and that the pain they have caused is very real and very acute. And that some children are negatively affected by these men and woman who abandon, neglect, abuse their priviledges as parents. I know you are doing what you think is right but juicychops has clearly spelled out this is an abusive relationship and ex clearly has mental problems with a trail of abandoned children behind him. Don't hurt the victim which is the mother and child in this instance...i wonder if this was a male posting the OP if you'd feel the same? I'm sorry if you feel I'm attacking you, but I feel strongly against people being nasty and insulting to victims of abuse. male or female.

Juicychops. Be strong, seek legal advice and do what you've been doing-loving and caring for you DS. Your clearly a strong woman who is just trying to protect DS and I can completely empathise with these feelings. The thought of leavign our children behind is hard enough without worrying about what would happen to them because of PR.

pinkytheshrinky Fri 22-Jul-11 22:24:04

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

juicychops Sat 23-Jul-11 13:06:02

thanks everyone for your advice and for backing me up! I shall try and get an appointment with a solicitor in the next week or so as i want it sorted out now just for peace of mind. Im hoping il be around for the next 70 odd years yet though!!

adamschic that sounds exactly the sort of thing i want to do

GypsyMoth Sat 23-Jul-11 14:19:03

Lmao!!!

NikkiL Sat 23-Jul-11 16:40:06

clearly ilovetiffany is a horrible person. How is someone seeking love and support a reason to attack and then laugh...you should be ashamed.

GypsyMoth Sat 23-Jul-11 17:52:31

no,was laughing at YOU!! and your odd assumptions

not so funny was your hijack of someone elses thread,bad form

NikkiL Sat 23-Jul-11 19:22:08

your a bully

GypsyMoth Sat 23-Jul-11 19:37:35

why,cos i dont sugar coat my posts? netmums is what you're looking for if you want that!

and a personal attack,from you,i suggest you look at your own posts before bleating about others. the courts dont work in the way you seem to think they do!

SheCutOffTheirTails Sat 23-Jul-11 19:45:07

ILove

The way you have addressed the OP is unnecessarily combative.

And it's true that you are always on threads telling women with abuses exes that their children's Dad's whims are more important than what is best for the child.

Truckrelented Sat 23-Jul-11 19:45:24

I'm pretty sure ILoveTIFFANY is a woman.

SkelleyBones Sat 23-Jul-11 19:53:27

Would his bio dad even want him ? Given that the child won't be acompanied by a large pot of money because your dad will be keeping that safe.
I would state your preferences and reasons behind them in your will and hope you get a judge with common sense should the worse happen.
But I would concentrate on getting yourself married and with a new baby since a family couldn't be split up ;-)

Meglet Sat 23-Jul-11 20:07:13

You can put other people down as guardians in the event of your death. But they would probably need to be prepared to go to court to get custody of your child.

I've had to do the same thing. XP has PR but is an abusive twat who said he wants nothing to do with his kids. My family named in my will as the dc's guardians in the event of my death and are involved in the kids lives everyday. They would be able to raise them properly. They would also be willing and able to go to court if the worst happened.

juicychops Sat 23-Jul-11 20:09:48

skellybones, it is a possibility his dad wouldn't want anything to do with him still, but you never know. He refused to let me change ds's surname to mine despite him not having contact with him for 4 years by that point, but he refused out of spite to be vindictive. so i wouldn't rule out the possibility of him 'getting him' because he knows he can and because he will know others wont want that to happen, but he would NEVER in a million years want full time parental responsibility forever.

iloveTIFFANY, NikkiL has not hijacked my post at all, she has been helpful to me. You on the other hand have been far from it with your narrow minded views and mean comments. Not all dads fight for their kids, and some dont even look their way when their child walks past them in the street. So dont think for a minute i am going to not do what is in my ds's very VERY best interests because his so called 'dad' has rights. The only right he has ever exercised is the right to say no to me changing ds's surname. That is the only peep i have heard from him in 5 years. He doesn't deserve rights

GypsyMoth Sat 23-Jul-11 20:24:08

yeah,i got a section 91 (14) against my abusive ex....had to fight tooth and nai lfor it,and not met anyone else with one. judge said it was his first and my sol was surprised. unfortuately after going through the court system for 2 years i picked up a lot on the way,enough to know judges promote contact with the meanest dads there are, its rare that someone isnt given contact for not showing enough interest etc. so many mums here say he doesnt have PR etc and expect that to be enough to prevent contact.

i'm saying it how it is,not how i'd like it to be. if you read some posts here about contact and how it wont happen,he shows no interest,etc,if women go into court expecting that,cos they read it on mumsnet,then i think some women must get a big shock when the judge offers contact.

GypsyMoth Sat 23-Jul-11 20:25:18

shecut.....no,its not true,show me?

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