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Sitting here crying :(

(13 Posts)
Hther Fri 22-Jul-11 11:50:34

I hate being a single mum. Their dad is awful so i can't cope with him but cant cope without him either.

The holdiays have started and thers so much I want to do before my girls start school again and before my boys start in september. I cant take them swimming as you need two or three adults for this number of young children and i cant take them on bikes as i cant help the older three ride while pushing DS2 in his pushchair and i want to take them to the seaside but i cant manage them all on the train and i dont drive.

But even little things are hard. I try to not worry too much about the state of the house and spend time playing with them rather than doing housework but in reality I haev to do lots of housework as the house is so small if I dont tidy up theres no room to play with them. And a lot of time is spent breaking up fights rather than playing. If I go to childrens centres they tend to go off in different directions and each one screams at me to play with them and i cant be in four places at once. If I play with one, then go to play with another the one i have been playing off doesnt want me to stop playing with him / her and cries

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow Fri 22-Jul-11 12:22:12

How old are all your dc?

Hther Fri 22-Jul-11 12:32:23

7, 6, 4 and 3, eldest and youngest have special needs

gillybean2 Fri 22-Jul-11 12:42:15

Speak to your school nurse, health visitor or social worker if you have one. They will find support for you. There are probably schemes where the older dc can go to have some individual time outside of home. There may well be a support group near you when someone can come in and give you support in your own home with the dc and for you as well.
It's not easy asking for her, but there is no shame and you will be doing your dc and yourself a favour in getting the help and support you need.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow Fri 22-Jul-11 12:43:13

Oh it's hard having 4 young children!

To over to the "large families" forum i'm sure they'll have some tips for you.
Can you start having driving lessons?
Can you leave 2 of them in the creche while you swim with the other 2?
Don't worry about the mess in the house. I don't think my house was tidy for 10 years!
Could your health visitor get you on any parenting workshops to give you skills to deal with attention-seeking behaviour?
What about that charity that provides support workers for mothers? - forget what their called now.

At their ages I would just suggest park, park, park evry day. Take a packed lunch.

susiedaisy Fri 22-Jul-11 12:45:00

hi there single parent myself , just wanted to say try not to worry too much about wot you cant do with your children at the moment they are very young and wont remember if they didnt do certain things, (i know thats easier said than done) try just taking them to the park, or have a picnic in your own back garden if you have one, use the bus if you can, go to the library and rent one of their dvds, our library does a reading time for little ones its free, and full of small children, i dont have any magic advice for stopping the bickering, thats kids for you, its hard to set boundaries and teach kids to share and wait their turn, its happens to all of us,mine our older now and still they bicker over whos turn it is, who had the last ice lolly, etc etc, just take one day at a time, the school holidays are hard for most parents, especially lone ones, and dont be afraid to ask family to help if you have some close by take care x

Hther Fri 22-Jul-11 12:47:06

Homestart have no voluntters availale and no money to train new ones! Health visitor, children centre are aware of my situation and that I am struggling, I ahve been on a parenting course but the things learnt didnt help much, FACEIT said there was no role for them as I was alreaady doing everything they would have suggested!

SoupDragon Fri 22-Jul-11 12:50:42

This is easier said than done but instead of seeing problems, try to see solutions. Focus on things you can do and make a list. Or write them on cards so you can pick one at random on a day.

gillybean2 Fri 22-Jul-11 13:36:05

Hther what is it you want to do that you feel unable too?

You mention taking them swimming. Have you got a splash park near you that you could visit instead that might be easier to manage with 4? Can you ask your ex to take the 2 older ones swimming, or have two while you take 2 swimming?

Forget the state of your house. You can play, and live, in a mess (believe me I do it a lot!). There is plenty of time for a tidy house when they are older!
Get yourself some big plastic storage containers with lids and throw everything in those at the end of the day. Make it a game to see who can get theirs filled up first!

Do you have an outside space/garden to play in?
When it gets too much escape to the park or go on a day out. I always headed to the zoo knowing that at least the house wouldn't be any messier when we got back that it was now!

Look for holiday schemes and play groups that run in the summer. Our local council has a young wildlife explorers thing once a week at different locations, and also has circus skills and sports fun days at various local parks. Phone your council to see what they offer.

The library will most likely be running thier summer reading challange. Get down there for half an hour each week. Find out when story time is.

Get out the house as much as possible. And oprganise easy things to keep them busy when you are at home. A great one is decorating rich tea bisuits or ready made cupcakes. Mix icing sugar with water, spoon it in as a base and then add spinkles, choc drops, jelly diamonds etc. Will keep them busy for quarter of an h our, won't be too much mess, and they can eat it afterwards.

Try not to get upset if they don't want to join in and don't feel you have to stiuck with something just beause you've gone to teh effort of planning it! Better to leave it and come back to it another time then stress about it.

Find some games they can play themselves while you are busy but not far away. Twister for example. They can take it in turns to spin the dial.

The 6 weeks will be over befor eyou know it. And then you can think about cleaning teh house a bit maybe!

Hther Fri 22-Jul-11 14:38:47

There is a splash park in my city but its two bus drives away and my youngest has developed a phobia of buses and screams hence dirty looks and tutting from other passengers! I dont want my ex involved as he will want something in return or relish the opportunity to sy unpleasanet things or moan about all his problems that he brings on himself!

no creche at swimming pool. I suppose its just loads of time outside, i do have a garden although not a good one

cestlavielife Fri 22-Jul-11 15:03:27

tehre ARE indeed solutions.

first forget about your ex. detach and leave him out of it - except when he has his time with the DC (if he does)

so, next:
what are your Dc specific special needs? how severe? even if not severe enough for disabled childrens team at social services you might be able to get help as "children in need".

ask HV to refer you to social services disabled childrens team and see what is available - in particular a holiday play scheme for the older two chidlren to go to so you free then with jsut two little ones in day time.

if the SN not severe then put the oldest two in play schem anyway - speak to council play services and get HV to talk to them to try adn find you a place - as you ahve probbaly missed the deadline now. there is usually discounted cost for low income.

social services /play service can organize extra help for your oldest with Sn if needded.

also if low income you can ask familly fund for help with your garden - an overhaul or buying a trampoline or slide or paddling pool .
see
www.familyfund.org.uk/ if the special needs are diagnosed and you have paperwork then use that to get extra help before you implode.

so:
urgent needs:
speak to council play service and HV about getting the older two into local holiday playscheme.
if no official volunteers then put ad up in your local church or community centre and advertise for volunteers (but you will need to check them out before elaving them in sole charge, obviously - but a student with time can be spare pair of hands for you)

you CAN take charge of this.
you dont want to get so depressed that SS will need to urgently step in - you CAN do this with a bit of organisation and help and using any services that are available.

MummyPhus Sun 24-Jul-11 14:13:06

I have 5 kids, aged 9, 7, 6, 5 and 2, and I really sympathise. Admittedly none of them has special needs, but at one point I had 4 under 4 and it's TOUGH. It honestly does start getting easier as they get just that bit older, I am actually looking forward to the summer holidays for the first time EVER - ready to finally meet the challenge LOL.

Can you get a paddling pool? Just a little one, and a bag of those playballs? Splash, throw, waterfight. A football always keeps my lot going for hours (but then the eldest 3 are obsessed LOL). The best investment I ever made for our garden was a trampoline.

I know this isn't too helpful, but I had a homestart volunteer and she was AWFUL, didn't turn up at the last minute so many times, so I ended up cancelling...

And at the end of a long day, try wine LOL works for me.

Best wishes, and try to keep that chin up xxx

want2sleep Sun 24-Jul-11 18:50:30

Contact SS for emergency carers assessment and direct payments for respite (ds goes swimming with his person every week) and also your 2 dc with SNs will be entitled to a couple days a week in summer playscheme that SS/council run.

I don't know how you cope as I only got one child with SNs so really really feel for you (((hugs)))

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