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i feel like giving up

(7 Posts)
oystermum Wed 20-Jul-11 18:27:12

I love my daughter more than anything else but I am so tired of her father and the constant fighting, I can't stand it anymore and am thinking of throwing in the towel. This has been going on for 6 years, I don't know what to do anymore. He's taken me to court, just because he could, though it didn't change anything. I have two jobs and a mortgage to pay and do everything I can to provide for our D. (He doesn't work and provides almost nothing). I've tried so hard to give her a good life. But in spite of everything I do, I get constant negativity from my ex, who does everything to make things difficult, being unreasonable, rude, mean. If my daughter cries, he accuses me of manipulating her. If I get upset he accuses me of being crazy and neurotic. I try to be nice to him but this always backfires too. He either completely takes advantage or thinks it means more than it does. My daughter does enjoy seeing him, and I've never tried to stop her, but the court order is just too much. She doesn't want to go every other weekend and she misses me. And now it's the holidays and she's gone to stay with him for a week. She had tummy ache and cried all the way there. Isn't it normal for a 6 year old to miss her mum? Yet he always blames me if she cries. I know she's usually fine when she's there and there's nothing sinister. The problem is more his behaviour towards me. I'm worried he's going to try and take me back to court, just to make me suffer. I just don't know if it's all worthwhile anymore.

brehon Wed 20-Jul-11 19:51:47

Hi oystermum. I take it your ex liked to be in control? I don't know if you can afford it but can you find out if you could get the court order changed to once a month or once every 3 weeks with a view to increasing back up when she is more comfortable with the situation? I think at 6 the courts may not take her wishes into consideration but you could always ask. She might be feeling the tension between you both and that is why she cries. Can you ask her why she doesn't want to go every other weekend? It is difficult trying to do the right thing. I also tried to be nice to my ex. In the end I gave up and now, after many years, he is civil to me because he knows i couldn't care less - he no longer has any power over us, as the kids are now 17, 12 and 10 and he makes the arrangements to suit their lifestyles not his. Hang in there and try not to let him see you upset. I know it's easier said than done but it will sort itself out over time. How will he manage when she is older and wants to go out with her friends, birthday parties. If it's just you and her of course it's hard for her to leave you. Does he do anything special with her, days out, cinema or do they just stay put? Sorry this is a bit rambling but I'm trying to cover everything I can think of in one go. Good luck. This is a much more common problem than you think

oystermum Wed 20-Jul-11 21:42:56

Dear Brehon, Thanks for your reassuring words. Ive been feeling so isolated and seriously been feeling I can't take this anymore. He is such a game player and determined to 'win' all the time, and I've just been thinking so let him win, I can't do this anymore. I know it's not worth trying to change the court order because he will fight it and make it very difficult for me, and that is the standard and what is considered 'in the best interest' of the child. I hear what you're saying, but if I've got another 10 years of this, then I just can't, I'm really on the edge.

rubin Wed 20-Jul-11 22:31:00

Don't give up oystremum, don't let him break you.

I know exactly how you're feeling - have been there & still going through it. My childrens father is the same - essentially a big bully with massive issues that he constantly projects on to you. I've been on my own with my toddler twin boys since they were born, raising them entirely on my own & doing everything I possibly can to give them a good life & stable emotional development. I have always agreed to contact with their father, but yet am constantly verbally attacked, accused of being an unfit mother, not worthy of having 'his' children. Recently he told me that the reason the children are sometimes upset when he drops them home is because I'm such a terrible horrible person, that my children don't like living with me & that one day they will leave me to be with him.
At times it's left me distraught, not sure I could continue with it all.

BUT I love my children & I know they love me & I've had to find a way of dealing with it all. And quite simply I've started to ignore him & his comments. I only ever respond to questions regarding pick-up/dropping off arrangements & everything else that basically involves him attacking me personnally I ignore.
Sometimes it's difficult not to bite back, but the benefits of the strength it is giving me force me not to respond. And it's working! It's making him more & more angry to the point that his comments are becoming even more irrational & ridiculous. And sometimes they have genuinely made me laugh - not replying has helped me to be able to step outside the box & see him from a different prespective & essentially that he is a bully & a coward & obviously very bitter inside. And life is too short to have that sort of bitterness projected on to you.
So rise above it & start to enjoy your life again with your child.

And re the court threats, the courts might just start to get very annoyed if he is constantly trying to amend orders & show him up to be just doing it to get at you. Either way if you do have to go back, you have to deal with it head on, with your head held high & don't let him make you feel so low.

Best wishes.

cestlavielife Wed 20-Jul-11 22:36:19

it sounds liek tehre is a lot of communication between you and your ex. you need ot keep it very short to the point. dont disucss anythig other than times of pick ups and factual details about DD.
keep everything to text or email.

dont engage in conversation about anything else.
detach
disengage
set yourself rules - dont reply to texts immediately unless it requires a yes or no answer.
dont respond to anything that isnt a straightforward question.

if she cries with him and he sends a amesage saying "she crying again it is your fault bla bla " then dont respond. she is with him - his responsibility.

if dd wants to talk about it - listen.

the only way to survive is to completely detach from the ex and see him as a business associate you need to deal politely and calmly with but only about business - which is dd / what time you coming / etc

cestlavielife Wed 20-Jul-11 22:38:11

also if you keep records of his ranting emails versus your calm and cool responses which are only about facts - then he wil look very silly when you rpesnt all this to court....

rant on here over what he says or seeth inwardly but dont respond to him. get back the power

oystermum Thu 21-Jul-11 21:14:46

Thanks for all your support. It's nice to know that I'm not alone in all this.

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