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feeling very low and in need of some support

(16 Posts)
itsnotpossibleisit Wed 20-Jul-11 11:57:24

Hi again, some of you alreay know what DD and I are going through so won't repeat to stop being boring.

For the last couple of days I just can't see the light at the end of the tunnel and I just feel like crying which is having an impact on DD and I feel very guilty for it.

I just don't know what elso to do. I have checked my finances and if I keep paying the rent to keep the house we are very tight with money to the point that I won't be able to afford buying clothes for DD (she grows very quickly) and I will have just enough money after paying bills to just feed her. If I decide we can't afford the house we will have to go to a woman's refuge centre and then we will have a bit more of spare cash to do nice things together. I am a mess at the moment and I know I need to sort myself out first of all but can't see a way of doing it. I just wish ExP woud be a different kind of person where he could show a bit of respect towards me and a bit more of consideration, but I know that this is asking too much. Last time I asked him to respect me a bit more as the mother of his child he said "respect is a two way street and something earned not given". If this was the case I shouldn't have to respect him at all but I guess I am a better person and I believe that just for DD sake I should respect him even if inside myself I think he does not deserve it.

I guess I just need some kind words to help me get through this difficult time at the moment. I know any of you can't give me a solution to our problems but I need to get it out of my chest as I feel very isolated at the moment.

Thank you for reading and hope no one gets to fed up with me.

cestlavielife Wed 20-Jul-11 13:24:32

for clothes - freecycle / charity shops / supermarket clothes

talk thru options with citizens advice?shelter?

Doowrah Wed 20-Jul-11 13:35:40

There are lots of people just covering rent and food at the moment...I don't think the refuge should become an option just to free up money; your daughter needs the stability of a home. The refuge is there in an absolute emergency. I know it is hard at the moment; can you work? Can you claim a social fund loan? Good luck...

itsnotpossibleisit Wed 20-Jul-11 15:37:47

Doowrah: I don't think I will be entitle to social fund as I am not entitle to housing benefit and counciltax benefit. So at the moment living with JSA, child benefit and child tax credit and £200 that ExP gives me for child maintenance. After doing my finances I will have left £40.10 for food and anything that comes up which it is very tight. I know a refuge centre it is not the best idea but I do not know how we will doing it once the winter comes and e cannot use the central heating because we won't be able to afford it. Which kind of like it is this one for DD? I am also doing my best to find a job but nothing seems to come and I have sent a lot of applications.

Cestlavielife: the charity shops I have been seeing do not seem to have DD size for clothes at the moment. It is just bad luck with everything

PeopleCallMeTricky Wed 20-Jul-11 15:40:21

Why don't you get housing benefit or council tax benefit? Surely you should if you get JSA?

cestlavielife Wed 20-Jul-11 15:52:27

you need to get friendly with someone who has a Dd slightly bigger than yours so can pass on clothes to you.... but try freecycle local to you

could you house share with someone ? might be cheaper?

or look for a live in housekeeper / nanny / carer type job where you and dd could stay? try the lady locally looks like you need to register? or find a copy in library or local paper might advertise for live in carers - it may be eg for an older person or disabled person

itsnotpossibleisit Wed 20-Jul-11 16:01:37

Because I am from Spain and as I am getting JSA contribution based and I am classed as a person from abroad I am not entitle to it. I have appealed their desicion but it can take up to 6 months to know the outcome of the appeal and until then I am not getting those benefits if I get them at all

StartAllOver Wed 20-Jul-11 19:34:32

Is that monthly or weekly?

mrscolour Wed 20-Jul-11 20:30:43

I really shouldn't be suggesting this and I know I will get slated for it but.... have you considered going to visit your family and Spain and then just not coming back. I know it might seem like an extreme thing to do but it might help you see how much your ex wants to have your dd in his life and could force him into being more reasonable over the split of assets. Or you could start your life over again in Spain with your family close by.

itsnotpossibleisit Wed 20-Jul-11 21:22:10

StartAllOver: £40 is weekly and I have to say that I do not have TV so I don't have to pay TV License. I do not know what else to do to reduce my outgoings. I have cheked everything and the only thing left would be mobile phone which I pay £15 every moth but my contract doesn't end till January so I can't cancel it yet. Also can't ge rid of the phone and internet because I have e new contract and I would have to pay a lot of money to cancel it and I need it to be able to be in contact with my family in Spain

MrsColour: if I would do that I would be arrested and my child would be brought back to England without me. ExP would do anything possible to make my life difficult. When I separated I claimed IS which was denied to me because Chilb Benefit was in his name (everyting was in his name when we used to live together) even though I had made a new claim on my name. I explained him the situation we were in, related to financial matters as I was living only from the Chid Tax Credits, and he didn't care. He has never asked me afterwards if I had managed to resolve the problems with the benefits so it makes it very clear to me that he does not care at all how we are living. He has not even bothered asking how DD is coping after moving houses and this was almost three months ago. I have managed to pay the rent up until now because friends and family back in Spain have been very supportive but they cannot help us anymore which I can understand.

NikkiL Wed 20-Jul-11 22:07:00

keep strong, keep going and remember that one day you'll look back on this dark chapter and know you survived it. Keep holding onto the small things each day that makes you happy. When DD smiles, laughs or jokes. Close your eyes and retain that, keep it close, and remember those moments when your tears won't stop.

I really think you should go to your local children's centre and your Doctors. If your DD is under 5 also speak to your Health visitor...keep shouting till someone helps you. Once your on the system, support is available. In the mean time keep going for you and your DD.

You should write (and keep copies) to your partner about your financial hardships. If he still doesn't change names on CB etc then you can go to a lawyer and seek resdience order and all that jazz so you can get status.

Good luck, keep up the hard work....and remember one day this will all be over and dealt with. Keep your head high and be everything your DD needs. You are what she is looking to for security. I know its hard.


itsnotpossibleisit Wed 20-Jul-11 22:23:08

Thanks Nikkil. we have had a difficult week and I know that having everything I have in my mind that doesn't help. I am not feeling depresed, at least not yet, I just feel like I need vto resolve this situation very soon because my energies are running low and I need them full to be with DD. On top of that I have ExP bothering me with the smallest thing possible and makes me very sad that even though our relationship has not worked he does not care for our well being. It is very sad

NikkiL Wed 20-Jul-11 23:14:03

It is very sad, and you will be moarning the loss of your situation and probably to a certain extent your relationship...and of course all those dreams and desires you held for DD when you started your family. Your energies will be low, and its to be don't be hard on yourself, don't punish yourself, and take some time each night once DD is in bed to be you...and rediscover you through the things you love. Whether its reading a book, or joining an online group, look for things to do in your local area and if you can when DD is with EX go do something fun and new....join a sports club or learn the guitar (you get what I mean) empower yourself because noone else can do that for you, but you...

I'm going through a difficult seperation too, and there are days were I am wanting to hide away and feel horrendously bad as well. You will have those days. But put them into perspective and know you are the master of yours and DDs future. So go do something you've alwasy dreamt of but for one reason or another have been putting off.

Sounds like EXp is probably feeling just a low and lonely if he's bothering you with won't be helping with the constant contact but be stronger than your emotions when it comes to dealing with him...I suggest writing on a piece of paper what you expect from him and your future communications with him...put it into perspective...try to be realistic and not emotional when including points and refer back to this when he contacts you....keep it all in balance and you will find you start to balance out too xxx

itsnotpossibleisit Thu 21-Jul-11 12:11:16

Thanks NikkiL, I have been able to do all that since the beginning of the new life but I guess this week I have just lost the focus. Trying really hard to refocus myself and I hope I will get there soon. Hope you situation also improves and gets better.

Look after yourself

simpson Thu 21-Jul-11 23:23:27

It is hard to keep positive sometimes sad

Agree that you have to befriend someone with an older DD as this has been a godsend for me.

It has also helped me with school uniform etc too which will help massively in the future as DD is only 3, I am putting the uniform given aside iyswim

MummyPhus Sun 24-Jul-11 14:20:58

Re: bills going up in the winter, my suggestions would be;

1. check or similar to check you are on the cheapest tarriff
2. Speak to your energy provider and ask to pay by regular monthly direct debit, so that your payments are split equally through the year. Read your meter(s) regularly and do anything you can to save energy.

Clothing - try Primark. They are cheap as chips, I am always getting tshirts for £1.50 etc. Kids don't need too many clothes if you're organised with the washing.

Are you entitled to Child Tax Credit? This is in the region of £50 per child per week for those on very low income?

Good luck x

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