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starting again - how do i do this?

(6 Posts)
washingonawednesday Tue 19-Jul-11 14:16:52

hi have left my husband of 4 years (together 13 years) in May after his second affair in 2 years, the second one when our gorgeous boy was only 3 months old. no one can ever accuse me of not trying as i tried really hard to make our relationship work for the last 2 years since the first one, but i can't forgive another one - turns out i have made the right descision as he has now confessed to 6 affairs/ one night stands in total so i am well rid


i never wanted to be in this position - i just dont know what to do with myself.

have moved back home to stay with my parents for emotional support, so i am 300 miles away from my friends and my job. not working at the mo as my baby is 7 months old and still breastfeeding so cant get out and get some independance / meet people there.

i'm getting out there and trying to make friends at baby clubs, but everyone else is happily paired off and no-one is avaliable to go out because they are happy at home in the evening with their babies and other halves (as i would want to be doing now if my situation hadnt changed.)

im 30, a single mum - living on benefits when my maternity pay runs out next month - where the hell do i start?

i want to meet people and make friends, i want to meet a new man, i want to view this as the opportunity to finally be happy with someone who deserves me and make a new life and a new start, but i just feel so depressed and sad - i can't believe this has happened to me and i dont know where to begin

please help - i'm desperate.

molepom Tue 19-Jul-11 15:42:14

One small thing at a time.

If you look at everything you want and need to do you will get overwhelmed. Just take it a day at a time and everything that's either too big to deal with or you have no control over will all sort itself out in the end.

Dont worry about the new man bit, that will happen in time to take that off the list.

Making friends will happen on it's own too so strike that off the list as well

Your baby is only young, enjoy that as it really doesnt last long.

Dont worry about going out, that will happen when you feel a bit more confident.

First and formost, think of where it is you want to live. At home with your paprent help close, or do you think you can cope with a small child on your own with friends and childminding services - both are doable and both are benefitial to you and your child.

Once you have that figured, THEN think about going back to work, when you are ready.

Everything else will sort itself out.

molepom Tue 19-Jul-11 15:43:10


redhappy Tue 19-Jul-11 19:30:25

Did you own or rent together? I imagine if there is a house you wanted to keep that would affect your decisions.

Secondly, sounds like you're doing great so far. Try not to be harsh on yourself or feel like you need to defend your reasons for leaving.

If you don't mind saying roughly where you are there may be other m.netters near you who'd be up for meeting. I'm the same age as you, similar situation, I'm in gloucestershire.

mrscolour Tue 19-Jul-11 20:13:40

Hi, sorry you find yourself in this position - but it sounds like you are well rid of him.

I guess you have a lot to sort out. Do you plan on staying with/close to your parents or are you planning on moving back? I moved back to be close to my family a few months before I split from my ex and I'm still living close to my family. For me the difference between family and support and friend support is that with friends I always feel like I owe them one but family support is unconditional. Although I really miss my friends from where I used to live I'm really glad to be close to family now I'm in this position. Have you discussed contact with your ex?

Have you sorted out your money situation? Is all your maternity pay going into your account? Are you claiming your full entitlement to tax credits etc. Is your ex paying maintenance?

It may be worth writing a list of all the jobs you need to do and then prioritise.

Stick with the baby groups and you will make friends - it isn't always easy but try and persevere.

It might be a bit soon to be thinking about a new man. 30 is still young so there's no rush. You may just need some time to recover from this relationship before thinking about a new one - you don't want to go straight from one bad relationship into another on the rebound.

redhappy - where in glos are you? I'm in cheltenham.

WibblyBibble Tue 19-Jul-11 20:35:49

Hi, I know how intimidating it can be to be single with a young baby- my ex left when I was pregnant and it was terrifying! You're in a good position that you know he really was an arse, so you don't have to be pathetic like I was and want him back, so well done to you on that!

For meeting other parents: look for a local NCT or La Leche league group since you're breastfeeding- they are normally pretty social and good for younger babies rather than toddler groups (better for when baby gets mobile, but then those become a great way to meet other parents). I met a new friend who was also a single mum at our baby clinic breastfeeding support group, and we still meet up with the babies for coffee/softplay/ranting about exes now they are toddlers. Go to as many different groups as possible and you will meet people in a similar situation eventually! Also ask your health visitor if there are local sure start type groups, a friend of mine met loads of other mums through that. Finally, don't worry too much that most of the people you meet are in relationships- you still have your babies in common, plus (sadly) a lot will eventually end up in similar situations- there are at least 3 mums at one toddler group I go to now who are single, but they broke up when babies were older.

I know the frustration about meeting someone new- people say 30 is not that old, but it is very lonely being on your own with a baby, and it feels like time is just running past while other people have happy families around. However, it really isn't a good idea to rush in to anything when you have so much else going on. I sometimes go on dates with people from OkCupid, when kids are with dads, so internet dating is worth a try as you can do it more easily fitted around your responsibilities. However, do give yourself time to recover from your ex's horrible behaviour- sometimes dating can help with that, as you get to have social time with men who aren't idiots, but if you feel under pressure to meet someone for a serious relationship then it can make it more stressful too.

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