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Do mums leave?

(26 Posts)
belleshell Mon 18-Jul-11 18:11:44


corlan Mon 18-Jul-11 18:35:39

A few do.


brainhurtsandconfused Mon 18-Jul-11 18:57:01

Are you ok belleshell?

belleshell Mon 18-Jul-11 18:57:22

i am facing the most gut wrenching decision of my life. i have a chronic illness that is made worse through stress and anxiety, since my divorce i have been completely isolated in the village where i have lived for 15 years. My family support and closest friends and new are 100 miles away.

what do i do stay for the unforseeable future and risk becoming housebound and then of no use to anyone especially my children, or do i move back to my support network, with a chance my illness improves so the time i get with my kids is quality time where i can do things with them, and see them at weekends if they choose not to come with me. the choice will always be there, and i so want them to come, but fear they may want to stay here with their friends.???????????

supadupapupascupa Mon 18-Jul-11 18:58:51

yes mine did.

never got over it, and neither did any of my siblings.

I feel for you though, tough decision.

ChasingSquirrels Mon 18-Jul-11 19:01:10

how old are they?

corlan Mon 18-Jul-11 19:01:48

How old are your kids belleshell?

nokissymum Mon 18-Jul-11 19:04:19

Yes mine did too. But think about it seriously before you do and be honest with your children, dont keep telling them " im doing it because of you"! You are doing it for your sanity AND the children will benefit from it, they will understand, more so when they are older and respect you for your honesty.

brainhurtsandconfused Mon 18-Jul-11 19:12:19

I think being realistic about the future and doing it for your health/quality of life and your kids is very different to just upping and leaving. And as you say the choice will always be there, but I do really feel for you having to even think about making this decision.

allegrageller Mon 18-Jul-11 19:13:16

I think your decision would not be selfish if you did take it. It will hurt, but that is because you love them.

You know you will always be there for them if and when they want to be with you.

I do not think that under these circumstances you are abandoning them at all.

I know a few people who grew up primarily with their dads. The issue is always whether the leaving parent bothered to maintain regular contact, it seems to me, and whether they remained 'there' as a source of support. When older your kids might well want to come and live with you anyway, things do change.

As a previous poster said their ages are important as this will impact both on their understanding and the time that you are potentially separated.

belleshell Mon 18-Jul-11 19:34:35

the kids are 9 and 12, and as much as my ex was a crap husband he is a good dad. here he can offer them a family home ( his girlfriend moved in 2 months after i moved out with her 1 year old child) he bought them a pet, all his family are near by ( and none of they speak to me because i left a marriage i was rejected in for been ill)their friends are here and schools. when my mum and dad split (i too was 12) my ffriends where there to get me throu... 25 years on it will be the those same friends i will be going home to. I cant compete with that here, but i can offer all that if i move home.

The decision will be mine and i will be doing it for me, but the thought of my illness deteriorating more than it has over the past 12 months scares me shitless, at least if i go home there is a chance my symptoms will improve.

I so want the kids to come with me but need to respect there wishes and there needs. i will still be a big part of there lives and will do parents evenings, shows etc, and if they chose to stay my door will always be open. i am there mum, no one will ever take that away from me. the kids are my world

this is so hard

allegrageller Mon 18-Jul-11 20:01:55

I think you sound like a great and loving mum.

You are doing this in many ways to be a better parent because your health depends on it.

'Presenteeism' will be urged on you by a lot of people but imho smaller doses with a better (i.e. less ill) mum will be better for the kids.

I think your 12 year old is probably old enough for you to talk reasonably openly about this and explain your decision. Possibly the 9 y/o too depending on maturity. S/he may well be upset but will also be v upset if you get too ill to look after him/her which sounds like it might happen if you stay on in isolation.

chubbasmum Mon 18-Jul-11 21:24:20

this is a difficult one but as much as it will hurt personally i would move away with the kids as you said your symptoms will improve, this is when you have to be tough and not give choices kids adapt more easily than adults look at it this way they can always come back to visit their dad and his family and you will be around yours and think of the support network everyone will be happy hopefully, personally where i go my kids go too it would kill me without my kids, good luck hope my veiws are not too harsh

allegrageller Mon 18-Jul-11 22:37:55

chubba maybe the issue is that the OP will be blocked by the kids' father from moving them away, etc.

RitaMorgan Mon 18-Jul-11 22:41:41

chubba - the OP is considering what is better for the children rather than just forcing them to go with her. It may be better for them to stay with their dad, she has to weigh up their interests as well as hers.

belleshell Tue 19-Jul-11 07:55:37

Thanks for all comments. Chubba, if i could take the kids id have done it 18 months ago, however ex would fight me all the way and 1 i cant put kids through that, 2. i havent got the strength at the min to fight. giving them the choice is the only way ex will agree to kids coming with me.

my 12 year old is adamant he doesnt want to leave here, or has been in the past.


brainhurtsandconfused Tue 19-Jul-11 10:47:08

I think you're making a really brave decision Belleshell and as I said before I can't imagine how hard it must be.

But your health and getting yourself well has to come first and you need a strong support network for this to happen.

Do your kids understand your reasons and how unwell you are?

Tollund Tue 19-Jul-11 10:55:40

My mother left, but not in the way that you are describing. You are giving them the choice to come with you, and even if you don't they'll still see you. If you think that it will mean you getting better then it sounds reasonable, and not at all like what my mother did, which was to just bugger off and we were lucky to see her once a year after that.

niceguy2 Tue 19-Jul-11 13:14:34

Firstly you are not abandoning them because you can't be arsed. There's a world of difference between having to make a tough choice because of an illness and just walking away selfishly.

When my ex & I split up, after a few years I decided to move away with the kids. They now see her every other weekend and during holidays. Our kids certainly don't feel abandoned by their mum. She's very much a part of their lives.

But there does come a point where practicalities must override emotions. If your ex can offer them a stable loving family home whilst you will struggle to do it full time because of illness then perhaps it is the right decision to make.

It's better the kids see their mum for a few days whilst she's happy and ok than struggling every day and miserable.

In my situation, I could offer the kids a stable family home whilst with my ex they'd have been struggling on benefits and par for the course with my ex, lurching from one crisis to the next. Not an environment I wanted my kids to have to deal with on a daily basis.

So now they travel the 100 miles every other weekend and spend some quality time with their mum rather than have to put up with the lack of money, friends and latest crisis she's always going through.

Plus at your kids age, soon they'd be able to catch the train themselves. My eldest is 14 and they've been going on the train for a while now.

cestlavielife Tue 19-Jul-11 13:36:51

it soudns like the right decision for you and your family .
you arent "leaving" them -jsut living elsewhere with the option for them t o come on visits or even later on move to live full time with you and visit dad

mrscolour Tue 19-Jul-11 20:26:30

No advice. Just wanted to say that it sounds like a really painful decision and I really feel for you. Hope you can come to a decision that is best for everyone.

NotJustKangaskhan Tue 19-Jul-11 20:47:52

As someone who was left, you aren't leaving in my eyes. You are giving them a choice and even if they don't go with you, you can make arrangements to stay in contact and see them regularly. And I think they're probably old enough for you to discuss with so they can see the issues at hand, even if they can't see them fully as you can. I wish you the best in whatever decisions are made.

belleshell Tue 19-Jul-11 21:31:54

thank you, i was so scared posting this but really didnt know who esle to ask...........i thought i would be slaughtered

my kids are my world........

im just in the wrong place

belleshell Tue 26-Jul-11 08:32:09

Thank you for all your replies. i have spoken to the kids and as i thought my son wants to stay here with his friends......My dd want to come with me, i feel like a big weight has been lifted. i have told ds that i am not leaving him he is choosing to stay, but it is a choice and he can change his mind at any time..... as much as it is not ideal here to one door closing and another door opening.....

pickgo Tue 26-Jul-11 20:51:45

I'd MAKE them both come with you. They are too young to choose for themselves and they will be better off together and with you. An OW on the scene full-time with their dad is hard for DCs to adjust to. If X doesn't like it you could try mediation to get an access agreement.

I hope you feel better once you're in better circs - the village sounds shit to let you become isolated following divorce. Some people are so stupid and thoughtless about divorce still you'd think it was 1950's.

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