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I'm a freak who has never been marrried...

(24 Posts)
manticlimactic Sat 16-Jul-11 02:18:37

Im a LP who has never been marrried. (One DC, whose father whom I lived with for several years only asked me when he was drunk!!) Been on my own more or less for 10years with one relationship that lasted more rthan a year...but that's over.

Twice tonight I have been referred to as someone who must be a freak, or words to that effect, because I have never been married.

I think I offended my friend, who was married the other week (someone she met on a dating site) , when I said I'm not prepared to settle for just any knobhead who shows an interest(and I've met a few of those lately). She thought I implied that she was [hmmm]. I'm quite happy on my own, and alhought I have met some guys who seem interested, seem to think all I want is the leg over.

Anyway I don't know why I'm typing my half drunken ramblings but anyone else feel they are expected to settle for anything and seen as fusy just because they have standards in who they will date??

manticlimactic Sat 16-Jul-11 02:49:57

Obviously the above is just the drunken ramblings of an LP feel free to ignore.

gillybean2 Sat 16-Jul-11 08:32:57

Hi Mantic

I too am a lone parent who has never been married. Have had some long term relationships though, but that fact they didn't work out has made me less inclinded to jump on into marriage.

I too have become disenchanted with the dating scene men and decided I'm not prepared to settle or put up with the crap/compromises that seems to be expected in relationships.

I don't think you're a freak (obviously). I think people find it hard to accept that you're not looking and don't need or want a partner. It goes against everything we're brought up to expect and I think it makes them less secure in some ways that you are a happy strong and single woman.

With your friend maybe there's is an element that she want you to be as happy as she is having found a partner and maybe she doesn't understand that being married isn't the only way to find happiness. And yes she probably took your comments the wrong way, but maybe that says something about her relationship...

I know some single parents who are desparate to find love. Others who have given up for a variety of reaons. And some who have gone on to find a partner.

And yes, I think many people compromise and marry people who are less that ideal. We are fed a diet of tripe fairytales and happily ever afters and I used to fall for it then wonder why it wasn't like that.

And I do also think people's expectations of marriage and of their partner are unrealistic sometimes. The fact the divorce rate is so high shows that pretty clearly I think.
We put too much emphasis on beauty and how someone looks rather than will they be a good partner for life, not just now. And I get fed up of the young people I hear saying 'well we can always get a divorce if it dosn't work out' like it's an easy option. Who the heck things that a party marriage wil last when you go into it with that in mind.

I said to one of the younger lads at work recently that young girls expectations of marriage tend to be like the movies, which is unrealistic; it's just fiction. Just like lads seem to think that porn is how sex is. He was like 'I wish sex was like that!' to which I said 'I'm sure alot of girls wish relationships were like the romcoms and romantic fiction too'. Who wouldn't love to be swept off their feet by the man of their dreams?

Anyhow, I've waffled on enough. You're not a freak at all. And you're not the only one who has decided that the hassled involved in finding a partner really isn't worth the effort or the compromise.

Hope your head isn't too sore this morning smile

trialsoflife Sat 16-Jul-11 11:12:00

I'm a lone parent who has never married either. I've often been more independent/unconventional in much of my life and I think people who use the term freak are just intimidated by anyone who dares to make decisions outside social norms.

I agree with everything that gillybean said above about how women are viewed if they don't feel the need to find a partner and it's especially true for women who have children.

Traditionally, any women who were lone parents (usually through widowhood as I'm talking about when divorce was less common), would look for a 'new father' for the children as soon as possible - for financial reasons as well as social expectations. Now there is more financial support but I still think the social expectation hasn't gone, and it comes from women as well as men.

There is an undercurrent of feeling that women who don't find a father figure for their children and raise them as a single woman, are failing their children. We're expected to be grateful if a man is prepared to take us on and all our baggage, so we're told to not raise our expectations too high. I have seen new lone parents often rush into relationships through fear of staying single and end up with a series of quite disastrous relationships. It's something I've been able to avoid (I've never co-habited since I had my child and I think his life is more stable for it) but many women are afraid to live alone and not have a man about the house.

NOmeansNO Sat 16-Jul-11 11:53:57

another never married here.

and when i say i dont intend to ever get married it is met with nudge, winks and sniggers that i will change my mind when i meet someone special.

em.... no.... its hard enough to split up when you are not married. cant imagine the idea of doing it when married.

I will get involved with someone again. But i do not in any circumstances want to be living with them, involving them with dc or getting financially involved in any way.

i honestly dont think it is realistic to expect to be one with one person all your life. i intend to live till i'm at least 100 grin.. i've got a good 70 years left. I dont want to spend that with one person.

might agree to commit to the odd decade with someone if they are really special. but i know me.. I will eventually look for change. even if that change is just to be single again for a while.

I have been told that my refusal to settle with one person for the rest of my life is unusual and selfish. Wanting my cake and eating it.

I disagree. I think I am being realistic that I like change. In all aspects of life. I move house regularly. I struggle to keep a car for 3 yrs without changing, I change employers regularly(doesn't look great on my CV to be fair).. I change all these things as I get bored and enjoy the challenge of the new experience.

WillIEverBeASizeTen Sat 16-Jul-11 19:18:13

I prefer to call myself a spinster as opposed to freak, however I may, in years to come, be referred to as 'That freak spinster' grin. I can't say I particularly care. I have in recent years felt a little 'odd' I guess, but then if I'd married ALL my 3 partners I would have been referred to as a Jezebel shock

BTW I think it's only women who notice this (and have an opinion) men I think don't give a jot!

A friend (also a an LP spinster) once said that she will probably have on her gravestone 'The only spinster in the parish', I liked that, so that's what I call myself. Unfortunately it doesn't lend itself to acronyms, but please, any suggestions will be considered wink

newhorizon Sat 16-Jul-11 22:08:35

Another one here and think I will be steering well clear for quite a while! At the moment, quite happy to be on my own with dd. No one to answer to and live life as I want. Very happy!

I've had two distrastrous relationships, one over 10 years which I ended up in court over (finances) and the second one just five years which was more of an emotional kicking.

I do know what you mean though, I've been to 2 weddings this year and another later in the summer and you do get all the questions..have you met anyone yet???? I thought you'd be married by now etc etc...as if that's all there was to life.

molepom Sun 17-Jul-11 08:14:50

Another one here..

People keep asking me, including the ex, if I have met anyone yet. They all look at me with sympathy when I say no and I dont want to.

Exmate, is convinced that my life would be better if I had another man in my life as if it is the be all and end all.

How do you get it into people's heads that I just CANT BE BOTHERED.

2 kids, one with sn, a house I'm trying to make into a home instead of the shed it is, trying to look for a job, trying to dig myself out of the hole ex left us in....

I havent got the energy for myself at the end of any given day, never mind trying to keep a relationship going on top of all that.

Mspontipine Sun 17-Jul-11 12:33:33

Me too

Yika Sun 17-Jul-11 21:47:54

Also never married... and in my case never even really lived with someone, not for more than about 6 months, so I'm truly freakish, especially at my age! (44) But I'd actually like to. I wasn't really interested when I was younger (come from a family of loners) but I've gradually changed, and especially since having DD really hanker for proper family life rather than going out all the time as I did before. Whether I will find anyone now or be able to adapt to living together remains to be seen.

HermioneRocks Sun 17-Jul-11 22:23:43

Another never married, never will be married LP. You are def not a freak x

Solo2 Mon 18-Jul-11 11:58:10

I'm another never married - or, as I prefer to think of it, a SpinStar! grin not a spinster.

For me, this means someone who manages her own life, spinning all the balls up in the air on her own without ever dropping any and putting up the shelves singlehandedly, rather than feeling 'left on the shelf'.

Actually, I could really do with a handyman/woman right now as there are several long overdue DIY jobs undone and sometimes the 'Star' bit can feel more like a blackhole when the DCs are ill/ the dog has diarrhoea/ I need to generate more work am too busy working to do advertise and market (run my own business singlehandedly) and I've had no sleep fopr several days and nights but....

I can't actually imagine wanting to marry anyone and I thought this sentiment was on the increase, as more women become independent and a man becomes more a desire than a need (and then only at certain times or for specific reasons).

How would anyone with any degree of self-esteem settle for someone just for the sake of tying the knot? Your friend may just be secretly jealous of your ability to be independent and not conform....

Now, on the other hand, I could really do with a full time housekeeper/ dog walker/ accountant/ PA/ secretary/ childcarer........

BelleDameSansMerci Mon 18-Jul-11 12:10:31

Another never married here... I'll be 46 in September so I don't think it's very likely now grin

cestlavielife Mon 18-Jul-11 12:23:52

solo2 i like it - from now on i too am a SpinStar ! (46 too)

my exP asked me to marry i nearly did glad i didnt (shudder at thought..)
was with him 14 years..

i dont rule out mariage one day but as i have no social life on my own due to being tied to Dc til they grown up a bit more - and working FT but no eligible people there - is unlikely...

(friend suggested i go on internet dating for lunch time trysts only...)

Giselle99 Sun 24-Jul-11 13:40:38

Never married and hopefully never will - the thought makes me break out in a cold sweat.

Selks Sun 24-Jul-11 13:49:33

Never married here, either. Thankfully. Never wanted to. Two long term live-together relationships which could have been very costly if I'd have had to pay divorce costs etc.
I count myself lucky compared to friends who have gone through extremely costly and difficult divorce proceedings.

RabbitPie Mon 25-Jul-11 22:48:02

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

slavetomyson Wed 27-Jul-11 20:38:14

There is so much more to life than marriage, I've been engaged once but never married. I think some couples feel pity because they can't imagine life without anybody (even if they make compromises we're not prepared to). I don't need to be with someone to make my life complete, and I think some people see this as a defense mechanism when I say it, but it's true!! The ex looked at me out of pity the other day when I told him I was single.. but unlike him my life is now devoted to my little man, even if he's got the time and energy to put into a new relationship I certainly haven't and I won't settle for second best again. Of course If I met someone who I truly fell in love with (not likely) then never say never to marriage, but it's each person to their own and as long as they're happy what does it matter..

happygolucky0 Thu 28-Jul-11 17:55:51

nerver married..........I think we should all get together and have a big party to celebrate...........the good job we all do everyday all day all year every year!!!

WillIEverBeASizeTen Thu 28-Jul-11 18:10:01

happy What a great idea grin

Selks Thu 28-Jul-11 19:10:38

smile wine

solidgoldbrass Fri 29-Jul-11 01:48:08

Another never-married 46-year-old here. I have never lived with a partner, either. However I have a good co-parenting relationship with my DS' dad (we were old mates who had a drunken bunk up, hence DS), he sees DS a lot and we go on perfectly amicable family days out, we are just Not A Couple, and a lot of people see that (and me) as wierd.

gettingeasier Fri 29-Jul-11 14:38:12

Well I would say I wish I had never been married except that piece of paper is what stood between me and being shafted in our recent divorce grin

Have been single 18 months now and yes I can see the onset of "so when you will you start dating " qusetion

Now the scales have fallen fully about the amount of compromise and hard work usually required by the woman in a relationship the idea leaves me stone cold

Yes sometimes having a partner is great but that odd time versus all the time - no way !

Wonderful to read posts confirming that I am not alone

WillIEverBeASizeTen Fri 29-Jul-11 18:56:55

I have been alone for 2 years now, and, at first, it was bloody awful, but now as I sit here in my hovel relaxed surroundings, a sense of calm surrounds me along with utter crap knowing that I won't be bombarded with "what's for tea?" or "why's it so untidy, what have you been doing?" Great grin

Serendipity smile

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