dd's dad doesn't want to see her when he's not at work

[aurorastargazer]

and it's his weekend, i don't know how to explain this to dd she said to put in the text message in caps LITTLEAURORA WANTS TO SEE YOU (saturday morning). she's gone off to school now thinking her daddy doesn't want to see her until sunday.

he is working late tonight and saturday, but will still see her sunday morning at the same time as he would've seen her sat am. AND he has seen her before (on the sat morning) when he has been working late on the friday night. he's accusing me of playoing games by not letting him see her when he wants, yet when i make suggestions (following an earlier 'conversation' from him that i follow his weekends) for dd to see her dad when he isn't working on his weekend, he doesn't want to (for dd not him the get) he thinks that i want to spend extra time with my dp on our own (which would be nice but not at dd's expense iyswim) so refuses to see his dd, yet will suggest he (x) sees her (when she is with me) so i can see dp extra!! ffs

please help me know what to say to dd

[aurorastargazer]

sorry if post is confusing. loooooooooong background story. basically i left him nearly 4 years ago to get out of abusive rel;ationship that was affecting dd and he can't stand it when a mere woman stands up to himand reminds him about the conditions of the court order that he asked for & agreed with in court,

[Georgimama]

I don't understand. Is there a contact order saying he sees her on both Saturday and Sunday mornings - and now he doesn't want to see her on Saturdays at all? Or is it just this Saturday? If it's just this Saturday I would let it go tbh but make a note in your diary that this contact was missed at his request. It's a good idea to keep a note of contact and whether they happened, whether pick up/drops arrangements were abided by etc so if he kicks off at a later date you have the facts and aren't racking your brains trying to remember why he didn't see her that Saturday four years ago.

If he wants to change contact permanantly he needs to pay the costs of varying the order.

[aurorastargazer]

yes there is a contact order, every wednesday and eow. i do keep a diary. he expects me to keep to his weekends, yet i haev to remind him ffs (he's 48 not 8) yet he won't keep to them
my question is how do i hlep dd with her realisation that her dad doesn't want to see her? she's only 6

[Georgimama]

It's not that he doesn't want to see her, I'm sure, just that sadly he prioritises himself and his needs over hers. It is something you can't protect her from unfortunately, although God knows the last thing you should do is point it out to her as he'll then accuse you of trying to alienate her. Oscar Wilde once said something along the lines of "children start by loving their parents, then they judge them, sometimes they forgive them". She will make her own assessment of him in time - not that much time either. Six year olds are not idiots and know whether someone is a flake or can be relied on.

[aurorastargazer]

unfortunately, it is that he doesn't want to see her, i don't know why. i'm fed up with making excuses for him. i obv don't tell her bluntly, though she is a very clever 6 year old and can work out that her daddy doesn't want to see her.

you are right that he does prioritse himself over her, it's all about him seeing her rather than dd seeing her daddy. he's doing it purely because he thinks it will make things awkward for me and dp.

[cestlavielife]

you cannot read his mind or project onto him - tho it may well be true.

if he says he will see her on sudnay then jsut tell Dd that he will see her on sunday.

dont make excuses for him you dont need to.

jsut tell ehr - daddy says he will see you sunday this week. end of.
and on saturday we wil go to the park/do something fun/ etc.
distract.

just say you dont know why she cant see him saturday and she needs to ask daddy .

if she asks why not saturday - tell dD it is somehting she needs to speak to him about.

[aurorastargazer]

thankyou cestlavie
we went to see dp's dsis today, she enjoyed that i think.
i know that if she was to ask him he would just give her any one of a number of excuses. she's more inclined to believe him the lying bastard than i am