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Is anyone else having to deal with Christmas yet?

(9 Posts)
MIT1973 Tue 12-Jul-11 14:01:56

Am I being unreasonable?

I left my partner last year after lots of shouting, arguing, and bullying. I let him live in my house, rent free for a period up whilst he allegedly got sorted. Xmas last year I agreed he could spend Xmas eve at my house with our 3 year old, but he was so angry and nasty I left the house for a few hours whilst he calmed down, and then came home later to find his key in my door and I had to wake him up to get back in my house. (I must point out I hadn't been drinking and merely thought it best to get out of the house before the situation got worse in front of our daughter)
Since then he has lost his job, got a new one at a much lower salary, given me the sum total of £45 since Jan towards upkeep, oh, and ran up a £500 phone bill that he doesn't have the means to pay and therefore I have to cover it. I am not even going to go into the vitriol he has spouted, calling me a sl*g etc when he is angry and she is next to me and can see and hear all that he says.
his family live about 300 miles away in Scotland, and my daughter see's them once a year - if that.
He now advises me that he wants to take my daughter away from the 23rd Dec until the 27th Dec. I have said no, she doesn't know them well enough, there is no where for her to stay, and her Aunts, Uncles, Cousins and grand parents that she sees weekly will all be here.
I have no problem with hinm taking her to visit them any other time of year, but bearing in mind the complete lack of financial support, emotional support over the last year, and indeed means to transport her there other than a lenghthy train journey I am saying no. If they want to come to him at Xmas obv I will make arrangements so that they spend time with her, e.g. Xmas eve and Xmas day morn.
Am I being unreasonable?

spongefingeranyone Tue 12-Jul-11 14:15:29

No, definitely not unreasonable. Why on earth would you let him take her away at Christmas after this sort of behaviour. If he's that keen let him get a court order, doublt he would though. Stick to your guns and just say no, she's staying at home with you and that he can visit her at yours. You've been more than reasonable.

Sure someone will be along soon to say children are not pay for view though, but that's not what this is about. Children have a right to a decent childhood without that sort of vile behaviour to look on as normal.

suburbophobe Tue 12-Jul-11 14:18:25

No, don't let him take her, and while I'm at it, don't pay the bills he runs up either!!

MIT1973 Tue 12-Jul-11 14:21:58

Spongefingeranyone - thanks so much for what you said. Sometimes when you are constantly being harrassed it makes you question your judgement, and even though my friends and family have pretty much said what you said, it helps to hear it from someone on the outside. I am keen to make sure she has a positive relationship with her father, but not so completely selfless to give them the honour of having her at Christmas, when I think her best interests, and indeed the creation of best memories and experiences will be with me.

corlan Tue 12-Jul-11 16:27:15

You're not being unreasonable at all.

It's not in your daughter's best interests to be so far away from you at Christmas - that's the bottom line.

I won't even negotiate on Christmas with my Xp's - (unfortunately I have 2). I'll be buggered if I do all the hard work looking after my kids, with very little financial help and no practical help and then hand them over with a smile at Christmas so they can take all the good times.

MIT1973 Tue 12-Jul-11 21:22:03

The messages have really helped. Thanks so much. There is no way I do all the hard work all year and then can't be there to share the most special time.
You have all been fab, and have reassured me no end.

elastamum Tue 12-Jul-11 23:18:47

Stick to your guns and do whats best for your daughter.

If it makes you feel better I have had the same argument a few months ago. My ex wanted the same, as he chose not to see our boys at christmas last year. I have said no way as my DC have said they dont want to spend the whole of christmas at their fathers.

Truckrelented Wed 13-Jul-11 07:00:25

We share the day equally, but then we see each other as equal parents.

If we lived further away from each other I would have no issues with doing alternate Christmas days, and doing the pressie day on another day.

elastamum Wed 13-Jul-11 10:36:41

I think one day is not so much of a problem, but my ex decided he should have the kids for a whole week from the 23rd, basically the whole of the christmas period. Even the kids have said they dont want to do this.

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