I was in an abusive relationship for 5 years, and lived with my ex for another year afterwards until he moved out. Although obviously we weren't completely separated as our daughter was conceived (accidentally) during that year!
I would like to know what effect his behaviour will have if we go to court regarding access.
I worry that because I have hit him back in the past (never excusable, I know, but it's hard to tell yourself that at the time, with no other way to show your frustration at not being in control of your own life) that I will be honest about this and he will just deny everything I am accusing him of and I will look like the evil one. He even denies it when talking just to me - don't know if he genuinely believes this or if it's some kind of mind game. He is bipolar, so this may have an effect.
He is still being abusive now, hardly ever physical, but still controlling and critical. E.g. he said he wished I would die and they would get on fine together. Or tells me I feed her too much and to stop 'sticking your tit in her mouth' and 'put your breasts away'.
And I don't like the way he acts around our daughter. For instance, he often uses a loud and aggressive tone of voice around her, wakes her up on purpose so he can play with her (and often gets bored and hands her back after 5 minutes), made her cry on purpose once to get me to apologise for criticising him for not comforting her. And he often blocks her view/makes me leave the room if she is looking at me when she's with him as he seems to be jealous.
Every time we disagree on a parenting decision (or even if he's just annoyed with me about something not directly related to her) he threatens to feed her meat when she's older (exclusively breastfed at the moment). I'm vegan, and he was too when she was conceived, and it's very important to me to bring her up vegan (partly for health reasons). So he knows saying this will make me fall in line, and not do anything he doesn't want (like move to a different city near my family for support/contact with her cousins).
As well as the meat threat, he says if I screw him over (i.e. do anything he disagrees with), he will screw me over by hiring a good solicitor and getting as much contact/custody as possible. I think he doesn't necessarily have her interests at heart, and is at least partly using her against me.
I gave the information about DV in my housing application (when still living with him, so I had higher priority to move, but have lost this now he's moved out). And I have twice in the last week reported incidents to the police but said I don't want him charged (so he can't get cross with me as there are no consequences for him). I also have a photo of another bruise from a long time ago (it was too impressive not to take one!). But that is the only evidence of anything, as the time I went to hospital for a head injury we told them I'd fallen over the dog.
However, the vast majority of his abuse was non-physical, so I wouldn't have any evidence of that anyway. And his family seem to think his behaviour is normal. His mum said I was the controlling one (this may be because I have no social graces, so I appear brusque, but it's not possible to control him, he would just do the opposite if you tried). She was in an abusive relationship herself (may have something to do with his issues).
The recent incidents were regarding my flat keys. He wouldn't give his back (two came with the house, I had the other three cut myself, so he never owned them anyway) when he left. He lets himself in all the time, often without notice, sometimes when I am not in (and has used my washer/drier/eaten my food!). I got them back as he left his keyring by mistake, but then he demanded to come in to see the baby and took my set of keys from my bag (and didn't stay to see her). I followed him to get them back and held his arm/T-shirt to stop him leaving but he shoved me against the edge of the wall by the door (my back is bruised). He now claims he only took the gate key and doesn't have the others (untrue, unless he's dumped them somewhere).
I am aware that although Social Services like to be cautious about contact in cases involving DV, the courts will almost always give the NRP contact. I plan to breastfeed on demand for as long as she will do so (so could be up to 7 years) - can they force me to let him take her without me in this situation? And how likely is it that he will get contact with regard to the DV issue? And what kind of contact? E.g. supervised etc. I am worried they will say he's only a threat to me, so he can have her alone, but although I don't think he would hit her, he certainly has a short temper and may well verbally/emotionally abuse her if she annoys him.
I don't want to ask the NSPCC as they will have my contact details which identifies me and can then contact authorities as they see fit. And we have already been involved with Social Services (because I chose not to have a midwife at the birth) but no follow-up from that as they were satisfied. But I don't really want to involve them either as they will find out I omitted information by going along with lies he told them (e.g. never taking drugs, still being together).
Sorry for the excessively long post!
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Domestic violence and its effect on contact
50 replies
ihavequestions · 11/07/2011 22:28
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