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when do you stop wondering and realise he doens't give a shit about your kids and he has finally left you all alone?

(8 Posts)
humptydidit Sun 03-Jul-11 19:40:29

Left my abusive H at Christmas. Since then he has visited our kids 4 times and taken them out for a few hours. He has recently quit his job (I think mostly to avoid paying maintanance) and moved in with his mum who lives about an hour away from me and kids.

About 6 weeks ago he threatened me saying he would commit suicide etc and that he had stopped taking his diabetes medication etc. I wrote to him via solicitor asking for assurance that he would take medication properly and not to "joke" about suicide etc.

H swore blind to me that he got a solicitor and was so upset that he was goinng to take me to court for access and full custody of kids. hmm

Fast forward to now... still no contact from his "alleged" solicitor and a few emails from H to me asking me to reconsider. He says it is my fault that kids can't see him and it is killing him not having contact with them???

Anyway, from his previous history (he has another 5 kids) it would seem likely that he will lost interest and move on... he has no contact with any of his other kids and shown no interest in them for the 10 years I have been on the scene.

so my question is, how do i know this is it and he's given up and moved on? or will it just occur to me several years down the line that he hasn't been in touch for x years?

And how do I deal with my feelings about this? I am so bitter anyway about his abusive behaviour and his total lack of regard for our kids really hurts me.

apologies for mammoth post blush

PinkCarBlueCar Sun 03-Jul-11 20:37:09

I'd send him an email along the lines of:

I shall continue to make DC available for contact from Saturday at 10am till Sunday 6pm on alternate weekends with effect from next weekend, on the understanding that you to pick them up from my house / suitable exchange place / contact center. (or whatever level and amount of contact is suitable for your DC, especially given the DV)

Should either of us wish to make changes to this, then that would be by mutual consent with reasonable notice.

Hopefully, that will make it clear that you are serious about him having contact (should he ever take it to court), and put things on a business-like setting. Factual, civil, uninterested in emotions, solely about the DC.

In answer to your question, it will probably just happen over time and you'll just realise it, imo.

Have you contacted your local WA / MIND re: Freedom Programme or counselling for your emotions?

humptydidit Sun 03-Jul-11 21:00:51

Hi pink
Am doing freedom programme etc which is helping.

I feel ok fromm a legal point, that I have been fair and stated my case... It's just the waiting game which I am having problems dealing with.

I have spoken to his ex wife who was treated dreadfully too and she said that even now, 15 years later she still wonders if he will turn up "like the proverbial bad penny" although he has shown zero interest in her daughter for the last 15 years.

Guess ther are no answers, just got to keep going one day at a time

PinkCarBlueCar Sun 03-Jul-11 21:08:54

Do you think the wondering if he'll turn up is from the past experience of the rise and fall / cyclical nature of DV?

I ask as I was in an abusive relationship with my DD's mother, and I'm currently wondering if today's lack of contact by her with DD really is the end of all contact (as she'd been texting), or if she's going to be wanting contact again in the future.

humptydidit Sun 03-Jul-11 21:18:01

pink I know that the threats of suicide/going to court for custody etc were all part of the abuse

Just feel so confused, I guess I just hope that each day this feeling will fade and one day it won't bother me?

The other thing tho, is what do I tell my dc's? They are starting to ask now why daddy doesn't want to see them... sad

PinkCarBlueCar Sun 03-Jul-11 21:29:58

<goes to find slambang's answer for this question> brb

PinkCarBlueCar Sun 03-Jul-11 21:32:24

Slambang Sun 19-Jun-11 13:27:12
Poor you. Poor ds. Poor other half bro

I think you have dealt with it fantastically so far. I think if his dad was abusive you have to be honest to ds in as 5 yr old appropriate way as possible. Just go with the simple facts...

Your dad was not good at being a dad and he wasn't nice to mummy. He made us sad so I decided we would be happier without him.
He didn't want to be a real dad to you because he doesn't really know how to be a good dad. Some grownups aren't able to be kind to their children. He doesn't know how lovely and amazing you are because he has never really got to know you.
After that time he made another baby with a different mummy. I don't think he lives with that little boy. Because that boy has the same dad as you he is a kind of brother but sadly we can't get to know that brother because I don't know his mummy.
Your dad sometimes sees that little boy but I guess he is not a very kind dad to that boy either because he is not able to be nice.

If ds does ask why his dad sees his brother but not him (my guess is he wont at this stage) I'd give the honest answer that you don't know why and his dad must be very stupid to miss out on such a lovely fantastic person.

Hope it goes OK.

PinkCarBlueCar Sun 03-Jul-11 21:39:53

but tailored to your situation, obviously...

I may be needing variations of those words in the not-too-distant myself...

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