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Mediation question

(14 Posts)
TheHumanCatapult Wed 29-Jun-11 12:42:33

just had letter today my xh finally wants to go to mediation which i agree d to over a year ago but he would not so he has not seen/talked to the kids for 18 montths plus he does have all my contact details phone/address/email but would not talk/email ,call me etc .He lost his orginal leagal aid funding as he refused to go to mediation or even discuss direct with em sorting out contact arrangements

Even will not attend a caf meeting at same time as me insists on his own . called them said yes
and lol we hit a snag one where the place is .He says has to be near his hometown .Which for me involves bus and 2 trains and the building is not wheelchair accesible bit of a opps there .Let alone will tke me over 3 hrs ech way .The lazy fecker drives and has a car .So have writen back saying yes in principle but no not where he wants due to transport issueschildcare and acccessibilty.

Will they allow us to meet somewhere else .Do not want to obstruct things but i geniunely can not due to the above reasons get to where he wants it to be.but want to get this resolved as the longer it drags on the longer it will eb that they have not seen him .By car we are about a 45 minute drive away

!8 months ago I suggested that we built up contact slowly first of all by meeting somewhere netrual so he can spend few hrs with the kids on his own.But where if problem i am close by as ds3 has sn does not talk etc .then once he felt confident let him have the kids for a day at a time .

But i have said that at first it needs to be just him not his current g/f .There is safeguarding issues around her family and she is very close to them .

Isaid once we are sure things are working then he can slowly interdeuce the g/f but on no ground will there be ny contact with her family ( they have well documneted issues ,Uncle with sever mh problems associated with viloience , her brother has record for abh/gbh and drugs and her bil went to prison for assult on a minor attacke dhim witha dog lead ) .Hence safeguarding problems

even when we was married he could not cope withdd and ds3 on his own always took one of my older dc to help him .same when we first split but they do not want to go .Ds1 and ds2 are mine from previos relationship.

What is the best way to approach this

GypsyMoth Wed 29-Jun-11 12:45:39

i rang about it when i got my letter,it was immediately transferred to me. if it goes to court,its always the court in the area the child resides

GypsyMoth Wed 29-Jun-11 12:48:54

the gf family have been prosecuted for all this?

you may face problems with this i think! it really is HIS responsibility who the dc see in his access time. if your are only going on hear say/personal opinion,then you have a problem

TheHumanCatapult Wed 29-Jun-11 12:49:56

thank you

This is not a court request , last time he had solictor who contacted me about contact .They was replied and pointed out i ahve no problem sorting it out but if he will not talk/email to me how could i facilitate it and when last time they said would i go I said no problem but he refused to go so lost his legal aid .Then nothing for ages evne though i have tried to contact him regarding genetics appointments/parents evenings etc

will wait for them to call me back about arranging sutiable place

runningonmt Wed 29-Jun-11 12:54:31

Your home town for mediation.

Contact centre near to you for contact until he has built up a rapor with the children again.

By law contact is for the children ...... not him ...... and certainly not his gf or her family. They will have to stay out of the picture until the children have rebuilt their relationship with their father.

He didnt want to bother before, and now he does ...... let him do all the hard work. if he really wants contact that badly he should want to walk through fire for them and not whine he has to make all the effort at this stage. Hang in there and do what you know is right for your kids.

TheHumanCatapult Wed 29-Jun-11 13:05:27

Ilovetiffany

No not just hearsay one i lived in same town and knew them before he got involved .

But it is all well documnted and yes they ahve been prosecuted for their various crimes .Her bil served 3 years for the assult on a minor(.Her uncle lost his children to forced adoption due to his severe Mh issues .( assult and criminal damage etc ) and her brother has asbos galore .
So I can proove it beyond a shadow of a doubt .

Running i
have sugegsted somewhere liek a zoo etc where he can be alone with teh children so can not say im controlling or interfearing but if theres any issues i can get to them safley .Not sure if contact cnetre be suitable .But I just want it to build up slowly due to ds3 sn .If i was to drop him of with a stranger (which to him his dad is ) he just will not cope mentally he will withdraw and will fall to dd age 8 to care and communicate with him .Ds3 has no useable language unless you know him well

GypsyMoth Wed 29-Jun-11 13:12:25

contact centre best option here i think

TheHumanCatapult Wed 29-Jun-11 13:15:02

Thank you
how do i look at arranging that and find out prices so have some ideas in mind .I love to get this resolved one way or another without courts etc .Of the CaF meeting is nothing to do with courts etc it is a get together of proffesionals and is centred around ds3 needs so everyoone is uptodate

runningonmt Wed 29-Jun-11 13:54:02

At a contact centre it is very much a "safe place" where the people having contact with your children are there to monitor and help (and it sounds like your ex may need help with your DS3).

A zoo will not keep the gf and family away from your DS3 and ex may not understand or support your concerns regarding their suitability as significant people in your kids lives.

I understand 100% your wish to be there at a drop of a hat to help if DS3 is struggling with his dad. Does your ex have any family near by that you are on good / reasonable terms with that would be willing to act as a sort of unofficial contact centre for your ex and your son (I would suggest your family but doubt ex would agree to that).

I know it is hard but you need to be able to take a step back a bit - Ex will never learn to build a relationship with Ds3 if you are seen to be hovering in the near distance. You have to trust that Ex will do the right thing and make the effort where it is needed - if you really dont have that trust then I am afraid a formal contact centre will probably be your best bet.

It is so hard and it really tugs at your heart strings because you want everything to be perfect for your DS - have faith that it maybe a bumpy road to begin with but that in time they will build some sort of relationship with each other which can (in time) be a help to you.

runningonmt Wed 29-Jun-11 13:56:44

Sorry - I read CAF meeting as Cafcas (court and family something something service) - CAF, I assume is Common Assessment Framework meeting blush

TheHumanCatapult Wed 29-Jun-11 14:16:52

yes running thats teh meetings that we have,they both seem to go under short version of CAF .Well I do he will not sit in on them properley as i am in same room s,o he has 20 mins first funny as he does not have a clue about his son .

Nope xh only has his mum and his sister who refered to ds as that little ret**d even xh got upset with them as they would never visit us when married even though only 8 miles apart and neve wanted s to come over with teh kids.

Sadly i do not trust xh as he has alwats relied on ds1 or ds2 to help him previously ( fair enough they do not want to do it anymore ) .no my mum used to bite her tounge to stay civil when he saw the kids but she struggled when he cancelled arrangement to atch the kids when we buried my dad ok truth eh got his mum to call saying he had bad headache could not do.So think i would give that one a miss .

Will suggest contact centre at first so he can build up with ds3 .Inrelity it is dd contact that he really wants i suspect not ds3 .considering he referes to him as ret**d himself .

TheHumanCatapult Wed 29-Jun-11 14:18:34

oh and when we was married i used to try get xh to learn to sign when we split i gave him contact details of course even offered to pay for it so he could learn but he never bothered to go .since ds1 and ds2 could interput as can dd but she is 8 do not want her to have to look after her brother

cestlavielife Wed 29-Jun-11 14:20:19

visit local contact centres and speak to staff about your dc needs
www.naccc.org.uk
no point relying on zoo, park public places as anyone can turn up there incluing his family/gf/whoever

contact centre will be best - jsut provide whatever your ds needs

TheHumanCatapult Wed 29-Jun-11 14:21:17

thank you .

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