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jealous child of mum's new relationship - advice needed

(4 Posts)
iloveshoesandbags Tue 28-Jun-11 20:32:40

hello everyone,
I have two dd's, 11 and 4. Left my not so DH almost 3 years ago. He met and is engaged to someone he met a year after we split up.
I have been dating now for about 6 months, introduced my DDs to my partner at Easter but my eldest has severe jealousy and I don't know how to get through this.
I've told her that they will always come first but her behaviour is terrible whenever he is on the phone or if we are together.
She is like this also with any of my female friends - if they ring or if I'm arranging to meet them while my dd's are with their dad on a weekend.
I spend a lot of time with my dd's and we do lots of activites together.
My new partner has seen me while they've been at home one night a week over the last three weeks so it's not as though he is getting in the way of my relationship with my children. If anything, he keeps a distance so that they don't see him as a threat.
My wider family met him this weekend and thought he was lovely. He is a quiet man and very thoughtful but my eldest made a scene and my sister had a word with her to calm her down.
I don't know what else I can do other than being supportive and continuing to spend time with them, as I usually do but I'm getting nowhere with her emotionally.
She is also still jealous of her father's partner and also her two children. They are all now living together and have been for almost a year.
I'm worried that if her behaviour doesn't improve then my relationship isn't going to survive.
any advice?

iloveshoesandbags Tue 28-Jun-11 20:52:10

bump

yoshiLunk Tue 28-Jun-11 21:11:41

I don't know what I can add in the way of help, but I do recognise this behaviour in my role as a stepmum. It stems from the child's inability to accept that there are two lots of family lives going on, it is jealousy in a way but also a fear or confusion about what she's missing out on.

You are doing things without her, her Dad and his family are doing things without her too she can't process that there's a whole different world going on when she's not around.

To help her it's a fine line between not giving her anything to feel jealous about ie. talking about other plans, and then not feeling like she's being lied to and things are being kept from her.

It sounds like your new DP is trying to do what's best but perhaps it's time to do something fun together so that she feels included in your world with him?

Good luck, I know it must be heart wrenching.

fluffybutt Tue 28-Jun-11 21:21:52

My parents seperated when i was 11, my Mum met someone a year later. I was absolutely foul to both of them. If they sat on the sofa together, i 'd sit between them, if they arranged to go out, I would have a hissy, so that they would be late etc. I don't think I said a civil word to them for 18months. My mums new partner, (who I have considered my father for many years now), was the nicest, quietest, kindest man I had ever met, I knew he adored my Mum and made her really happy, but I was so scared that if I allowed him to become part of our family, that A. my Mum wouldn't want me anymore and B. that they may seperate and my Mum would be really sad again. I am sure your DD is being jealous, but she is also probably trying to protect you and your family unit in her own way. Be patient with her, that doesnt mean allowing her to be rude, just reassure her, talk to her and include her in things. She will get there eventually, as soon as she learns to trust the stability of the situation. Good luck

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