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Advice please, feeling sad :(

(15 Posts)
pamplemousse Mon 27-Jun-11 19:32:00

Hi split with husband beginning of feb, he is now living with his new girlfriend and our daughter goes there every other weekend. I've been doing all right so far, was very wobbly to begin with, then LIVID when I found out about her, they are in love after 2 months of our marriage breaking down sad, then more livid as she decided to get a rottweiler puppy as her kids are 24, 18 and 14, mine is 4 sad.
But now I'm just sad, dd returned on Sunday night, late to bed as per bloody usual when ex has her. Monday morning she was crying for ex, his gf and the dogs. It made me soooo sad. Is she just doing it because she's 4 and like that? Would she really rather live there? I am totally gutted and just don't know what to do when she says these things. She just apologised as I put her to bed though. I admit I did cry this morning when she said that it just hit me hard. Maybe I need to be more of a grown up in front of her?
How do you cope? Is this normal?

notnowImreading Mon 27-Jun-11 19:38:12

I have no advice, but it sounds really hard and sad for you. I don't really know why I'm posting as I have nothing useful to say! Just, you're her mum. That's it. Nothing else comes close.

TimeForMeIsFree Mon 27-Jun-11 19:39:30

I'm so sorry you are going through this pamplemousse, it's awful isn't it. I remember going through this with my DD and she was 7 at the time.

Try not to take it personally. My DD explained it to me that when with me she missed daddy and when with daddy she missed me. I comforted her and told her I understand and that what she was feeling was perfectly normal but your little girl might be too young to understand. Just try to go with it and give her the reassurance she needs, even if it's breaking your heart. It does get better smile

pamplemousse Mon 27-Jun-11 19:54:00

Thanks Notnow, that does help smile
Time it IS awful yes. I think I'm annoyed that she is crying for the gf, I could understand it when it was just daddy.

taken4granted Mon 27-Jun-11 20:05:15

its already been said but you're her mum and that trumos everything ... its prop new wonam on scene is being extra nice (combination of guilt and desire to shine in ex's eyes) and you are ebing what is more commonly known as a parent with all that encompasses including the odd telling off when child is being a bit naughty. dont worry it will all wear off - also is ex likely to tell you she also cried for you on his weekends - i bet she does at some point.... Honestly everything is raw at the moment - its still soon ater the break up the old addage of time is a great healer is true - Im 3 yrs down the line and much happier than I ever was - just me and my dd - no man etc just us and its great - I also now love ot when she goes to visit her dad and his wife because I get some me P&Q time can go shopping without the constant can I have - albeit it comes back when she gets home as darling daddy and new wife are minted and to top it all I lost my job in May and so am totally skint however am still Happy. Keep on going you will both get through this and come out happier in the end Im sure of it as I said the other woman is a novelty!

bunsandroses Mon 27-Jun-11 20:19:21

How difficult for you. Don't beat yourself up about crying in front of your DD, sometimes you have to just let it out and I bet you don't do it very often.
My DS is 2.5 and whenever he comes back from his Dad's he cries and cries for him, which breaks my heart. I also find that if I ask him not to do something , or its bedtime he suddenly wants daddy.
Just remember that you are there for every day to day moment and that's what counts above everything.
un-mumsnetty hug to you

pamplemousse Mon 27-Jun-11 20:32:41

Thanks sooo much ladies, why did I not come on here til now?! Its a whole different thing talking to friends who just don't get it cos they are still married rather than others in the same situation.
Its true the gf is a novelty, with dogs, my dd's current obsession, so its inevitable. I keep saying to myself, I would be making an effort in her situation too.
Lovely to hear it gets easier. I am paranoid as my own parents separated when I was 6 and my mum isn't over it to this day, and she was the one that left! I just aim not to be like her, she has good points, but not trying to get me and sis on her side in HER gang and talking about my dad as 'him' etc etc. Having been through it I know I won't do this, but I think its made me a bit hypersensitive!
Sorry to hear about your job taken4, I am unemployed too, though doing a masters so its a blessing in disguise to be honest.
Buns, no I don't do it often as I remember how odd it is to see your mum cry. She does cry for me at his and wants Daddy the moment I discipline her!
Ooooh thanks for cheering me up :wobbly grin:

yetama Mon 27-Jun-11 21:29:36

Hi pamplemousse, not much to say in here because I have been separated even less than you (less than two months) but I can imagine how bad you must feel when these things happen. I just wanted to let you know that in mumsnet you will always find perfect environment to share your feelings and ask for the wisdom and knowledge of so many people in here.

I have always done, do and will do. Hope things get better for you in the near future

Maelstrom Mon 27-Jun-11 22:34:44

My ex partner's child used to do that, everytime he was told off he would start crying for the other parent, which worked wonders in getting both parents to do whatever he wanted.

I would put the guilt to the side, and talk to her with the truth: you are her mother, she is with you in xyz days of the week and neither you or her can change that, so she can go and enjoy time with the other parent on the days she is supposed to be there but in the other ones, she is with you and there is not much point in trying to change that because that's the way things are, so lets be nice to mummy and all that.

My son had one of those days when he started crying that he didn't want to stay with me when his dad brought him back. Exh went on his knees and told him "DS, I love you very much and I enjoy spending time with you, but your mum loves you very much too and do many things for you, you don't treat your mother like that".

It worked like a charm. I found myself repeating that line when he didn't want to go to his dad... having said that, with time I learned he had very valid reason not to want to see his dad, but that is another story which has nothing to do with this one smile

mellowbird Tue 28-Jun-11 15:00:32

I know how you are feeling,my husband has also "fallen in love" with someone new after a short time being separated...it hurts like hell to think you mean so little that they can just get over you so soon and move on sad

I hope you are feeling better today with all the lovely support from the people on here x

belleshell Tue 28-Jun-11 20:06:29

OMG i think your me.we split last year, granted i left but it just wasnt work.Ex was apparenbtly devastated. i moved out in Sept, he told me he had thought of suicide etc.by November his new GF and her 1 year old had moved in. I have two children and we share kids 50/50, my dd was always talking GF this GF that, baby this, new puppy that, i felt i couldnt offer any of that, but hten a friend said she only wants to be at her dads because she feels that she as been left out and if she isnt there she thinks her dad will forget about her........this lifted a weight...... so i know exactly how you feel.

(hugs for you)

pamplemousse Tue 28-Jun-11 20:52:16

Thank you lovely mumsnetters!
Mellow it does hurt but then I do like to remind myself that she has to put up with his hideous snoring, his laziness and general crapness. I wonder if they just get into another relationship so soon to stop their hurting and never really deal with the split?
Belle that is hard with another child as well, hugs back! Its so hard not to turn into a miserable snappy bitch when dd is blabbing away about how fantastic her weekend was and how much she loves daddy and gf. Still apparently what doesn't kill us makes us stronger.
Thanks again ladies smile
I may will be back with more whining soon ;)

thompson369 Tue 28-Jun-11 21:11:11

I'm recently separated too, my choice but caused mostly by his behaviour. I would feel just as you do and know what you mean about married friends perhaps not fully understanding. As others have said you are mummy and that means more than anything. Enjoy having their undivided attention and just go for it - kids appreciate such simple things, they don't need loads of expensive stuff, laughing with them and just playing around will give you such a special bond that a new gf cannot replace.
You also have your own future to look forward to and who knows what is round the next corner for you, you and your little girl and a whole load of possibilities
I wish you well x x x

pamplemousse Thu 30-Jun-11 21:31:29

Thank you thompson smile

SelinaDoula Fri 01-Jul-11 13:10:11

I agree with the others. It does get easier. WE are now divorced and DD lives with my ex DH 50% of the time (has done since she was 3, she's now 8). Its hard at times for everyone, but sometimes I think we get the best of both worlds too.
I miss her when she's not with me, but sometimes I miss time on my own when she is with me lol
I think the important thing, like you said is to be the adult, nothing wrong with her seeing you sad sometimes, as long as she doesn't feel its her fault (you dont want her feeling she has to hide her feelings for her Dad, or not telling you what they did on the weekend etc).
And do you want her to feel sad and miss you the whole time she's away? Its great she gets on with his new girlfriend (not easy for you at all though).
I was sad for my DD when my ex DH split up with his girlfriend as she missed her and her DD (who had been like a sister to her).
Its early days for you, just keep your chin up, be the adult, the important thing is that you all get for your daughters sake.
S x

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