How long did it take you ....?

[yetama]

I guess that like me there must be more of you in here. After being 6 years with a person who I thought it was "the one" you realised that all was a lie. At some point you realised that it was not working and decided to separate. Once outside that relationship you can see the light and you see how controlling you XP was in all aspects: emotionally, economically...
Suddenly you realised that your self-esteem which used to be very good has gone to the bin and you now need to work on it to bring it back. How do you do this?

Also you realise that your XP is still trying to control you in different ways even though we are not togehter anymore and you are not sure what to do because for the last 6 years it has been the rule. How do you stop this from happening?

I guess that my general question is how long does it take for all the wounds to heal?

I always thought that I was a clever person and I just can't understand how I haved cope with all that crap for so long without seeing it. Now my friends are telling me that they saw it a while ago. Why didn't they tell me anything? They say that they have all seen all the changes that have been happening in me. Why didn't they told me so I could have seen i earlier? I guess that they didn't want to hurt me (I am not blaming them, they are fantastc and I am getting plenty of support from them on this difficult time).

Can you spare your experiences please. Thank you

[gillybean2]

Sometimes hen people tell you things you don't want to se for yourself it can take longer for you to deal with the issue. Because you then have someone to blame, or to unite with your P with. And the reality is that, while you may see things from the outside, it's never the same inside that relationship and you can only really guess at what goes on behind closed doors.

Your friends have stuck by you. They didn't desert you or try and force you to see things you weren't ready or willing to accept. They are there for you now and that is what matters most.

As far as how long will it take to heal, the answer is far far longer than you would imagine, but yes there is light at the end of the tunnel. The more you try and force it the longer it could take. But one day you will wake up and find yourself realising that you no longer care what he thinks, that you are fine without him and that your life has moved to a better and happier place.
The general rule of thumb that gets bandied about is that it's 1 week for every month you were together.
So 6 years together comes out as something like a ear and a half for you. Of course other factors affect that like who it was that left (if you are the one ready to move on), how much pressure he puts on you to reconcile or how difficult he makes it for you to get on with yoru life. Plus of course your own inner strength.

You may not realise it yet, but now that you've made the decision to leave your inner strength is clearly there. It will help enormously that you have friends to support you who can see you did the right thing.
Your self esteem will follow in time, but he knows how to put you down and he'll keep doing that so you will need to find ways to arm yourself against it.

And remember that no matter how hard it is as a single parent, it's never as hard as being in a bad relationship is.
Good luck.

[ItLookHardToStartNewLife]

YETAMA: I feel like you are talking about me self thou...

[yetama]

Gillybean2: thanks for your comment. It was me who took the decision as after almost 2 years, one of them being completely hell, I realised I didn't want to live the rest of my life as I had been doing it. I guess I have plenty of work left to do on myself. Hopefully with all the help from friends and relatives even on the distance we will be able to manage and as you said I know it has been for the best at least for DD and me. I was already fed up of not recognising myself anymore and not being appreciated at all.

[yetama]

ItlooKHardToStartNewLife: I new I couldn't be the oly one in this situation. That is why I love coming in here and talking with people that are going through the same that I am. We will always have mumsnet to get support and advice and as gillybean2 says we just have to wait and it will pass even though we will have to work hard in the mean time

[pamplemousse]

Just want to offer my support too after having found some kind words on here when I was really down the other day.
On that basis I say keep posting on here, keep talking things through with people in the same boat, and realise there is light at the end of the tunnel.
Not liking the general 'getting over your ex' calculations though, we were together 11 years :(

[mrscolour]

I am 4 months from the split and definitely feeling stronger than I did a couple of months ago when I was finding it hard to function normally and kept forgetting to do things.

Still doesn't take much to knock me down but I feel like I'm getting stronger every day.

[yetama]

It is really hard to put yourself together when you are looking after your child. Some days I am finding it very difficult and other days I seem to be handling very well.

Today I am having a crap day and probably it is because in two days my DD is going on holiday with her dad and it will be the first time I am away from her. I don't want to imagine how difficult it will be for both of us but probably I will suffer more than her.

Thank you to everyone for the unconditional support I always get in here