Need some advice from mumsnetters that have been a lone parent longer than I have

[NotSuchASmugMarriedNow]

my ex is due to bring my ds home at 3. we're recently separated so this has only happened a couple of times so far.

However, every time he drops the kids off he manages to upset me by saying something horrible to me or about me. Last time he said I was horrible. Yesterday I only spoke to him on the phone for 4 minutes and he managed to upset me with a sneering remark.

I've made sure the house is immaculate and the table is set beautifully for a roast dinner (for me and the kids, not him) not to rub his nose in it but for him to see that we are just fine without him. He'll probably come in for a cup of tea as he's had a long drive and will need a pee i expect.

How does everyone else manage the kids handover and still remain civil to their ex?

[lookingfoxy]

I wouldn't let him in, I would do a handover at the door.
However if he does need a pee, do not engage in conversation with him and don't make him a cup of tea, as soon as he's done move him out the door.

[mellowbird]

difficult these handovers arn't they?

I only let my ex come upstairs (i live above a shop) when i'm in the right frame of mind,if i'm feeling a bit low or just don't want to listen to him dribbling on about himself for half an hour then i just do the handover in the hallway,if i'm feeling stronger and up to a chat i invite him for a quick coffee...but it's on my terms....control!!!

Hope it goes well for you today.

[QueenandKingMum]

I second the handover at the door - using the toilet, fine but no way I would do the tea thing yet. My ex and I are local so it's not that bad but we don't talk about anything other than the kids and visiting schedules. Anything else opens up way too much for either one of us.

[DollyTwat]

Agree with the 'at the door'
Every time I've let my ex inside, he starts expecting it, then when he's abusive it's a real intrusion.
I make him stand outside
If it still doesn't stop, you can arrange to do handovers at the cOntact centre so you don't have to see each other.

[Snorbs]

I agree. I used to let my ex come in but I had reason to regret that. These days, hand-over takes place at the front door. It works better this way.

[maristella]

Please don;t let his comments get to you.
Every time he makes a comment, change the subject immediately and ask him a question about the kids. Do it every time he starts and he will soon take the hint, that you only ever need to discuss the children.
If he criticises you about the children, tell him you are sorry he feels that way and change the subject.

That way you engage with him on your terms, you detach yourself from his games, and refuse to engage in silly unpleasant behaviour.

[MatureUniStudent]

It got so bad for me at one point, that I would meet him in the local park carpark so he couldn't be nasty as we were in public. Well that was the theory! I would wait in the car, the children would jump in and then I didn't have to engage with him.

Because you are still emotionally raw re your recent split, it is hard and like the other posts have said, you need to protect your emotional self so don't let him in (I am sure he knows where the local conveniences are re a pee) and don't engage in conversation. Just lots of hello darling to the children and close the door.