Bully

[rubin]

Hi,

If anyone has been in a similar situation, would appreciate some advise.
I'm at the end of my tether & don't know anymore how to deal with it all.

My DSs father is constantly putting me down as a mum. I've been a single parent since they were born (twins - now 2 1/2) with no support from him, emotionally or financially. When things are going well he can be quite nice, but suddenly if something goes wrong, in his mind, he turns on me.

We have a court order in place & he has the boys every 2nd weekend which I've always been in agreement with & phones them 3 times a week. He has to travel a long way to see them, as we live in different countries (England vs N Ireland) but it seems to have been going ok.

However the other day, one of my DS had an accident - his thumb got caught in a closing door - avulsed nail plus tiny fracture to top of the thumb. He will be fine & not in pain anymore. I told their father & he turned on me, eventually saying I didn't deserve to be a mother, never mind to his children. I was so upset. And he was due to phone the boys that evening but I just couldn't face it & said we would be out & he would have to phone the next day. I know I shouldn't have but was so upset.
Now he's accusing me of reneging on agreements & threatening to bring me back to court. Despite the fact that he has regularly changed the dates he's coming over to see them.

I'm so tired of it all and feel like this is never going to end. He'll always be there putting me down & threatening court action. He has also said that he can't wait until the boys are old enough & will then want to leave me & live with him.

I just don't know how to deal with it.

[PinkCarBlueCar]

Oh, boy. You do realise he's an abusive twunt, don't you?

brb.

[Meglet]

Every child in the world catches their finger in a door at some point, quite often because the parent doesn't realise their little fingers are in the way . He's blowing it out of proportion.

[PinkCarBlueCar]

Here it is: The best advice I can give is to Not Respond. At all.

In your case, this translates into "only tell him what he absolutely needs to know".

Look at the situation as having to work with the biggest arsehole you have ever had to deal with - the most spoilt, brattish, nasty, spiteful toddler but in adult form - and realise that you have to carefully manage what information he has so that he does his element of parenting while you get on with the main body of the work.

If he takes you back to court for such a small thing, the court will see it as that and give him short shrift for doing so.

I would recommend that if at all possible you only communicate with him by text, email and letter. That way, you have the chance to think before you respond (if you decide that a response is warranted), and everything is recorded.

[rubin]

Well yeah he is, but it's how he does it. He blames me because he says it should never have happened. He told me once that I nearly killed one of them because I brought them home from neo-natal care too early -despite the fact that he was never around or ever spoke to a doctor.

I just want to wipe him out of my head forever, but I can't because he'll always be a part of their lives.

[rubin]

Sorry PinkCarBlueCar, my last post overlapped with yours. I know you're right. I've told him that from now on I only want to communicate via email, except for emergencies, when it can be a text. His texts can be vicious, so trying to stop them.

Its just so hard sometimes.

[PinkCarBlueCar]

I have a contact diary full of utter drivel from my ex about our 3.5 yr old (now nearly 4) DD having scratches and bruises on her knees and legs - all entirely commensurate with an active, outdoorsy little girl who loves to jump around and off things - but she liked to constantly make note of it all as if I was neglecting DD or something worse.

Like Meglet said, kids trap their fingers in doors. It happens. You are a good mother, he is an abusive arse, and your DC will see him for what he is in the end. They may still love him, but they'll see it for themselves soon enough.

[PinkCarBlueCar]

oh, rubin. It is hard.

The light at the end of the tunnel is this - it gets easier to deal with, as the more you do it, the better you get at doing it. And MN is here if / when you wobble.

[PinkCarBlueCar]

oh, have this:

[rubin]

Thanks PinkCarBlueCar. I think I just need to wake up tomorrow morning with a fresh head & try to face it.

[rubin]

But yes, after a good glass of wine! :-) Cheers

[PinkCarBlueCar]

"wearing" was a word someone once used, and I thought, yes, that's exactly it. You just feel like you're been slowly worn down by their constant drivel / abuse / insults / crap.

But you know, we're the RP's. We're the ones who do the parenting day in and day out. It's us that our DC turn to, and it's us that will have the last laugh, no matter what the abusive ex's think or say.

You'll be fine rubin. Just remember that anything he says is anywhere between a bit of spin and an outright lie that would shame an MP.

[PinkCarBlueCar]

lol, cheers!

[rubin]

Thanks PinkCarBlueCar, it helps to have someone else to reason it out you.
Appreciate it.

[whiteandnerdy]

This may come as a ultra shocker but sometime ... just sometimes ... the NRP also gets warn down with the constant assertion that their parenting is inferior or their a poor parent to their children

I also strikes me as selfish to think that a child having a stronger emotional bond to one parent than the other is in someway something to look forward to as a form of revenge.

Right ... time I dismounted from my high horse

[rubin]

Hi Whiteandnerdy,

Don't really understand what you're saying but I don't think I meant in anyway to insinuate that the NRP doesn't also sometimes get bullied or made to feel inferior. I was just talking about my own situation & whats happening in my case.

[whiteandnerdy]

It was more a spock style single eyebrow raise on PinkCarBlueCar's post as demonstarted .

[MatureUniStudent]

You said he changed the dates the courts set? Why not log those in a book. Download those abusive texts. Keep a record of them.

By taking the power back, if only in your head, he will not have such a hold over you. I am not saying use them or threaten him with them, but have them so in your mind you can match fire with fire in your head, and grow strong in a serene manner.

And be so proud of yourself bringing up twins singlehandedly and obviously caring so well for them whilst facilitating a relationship on their behalf, with their father. Friday night pat on the back and glass of something methinks!

[PinkCarBlueCar]

whiteandnerdy - it's not revenge as such, more a reminder to play the long game - reap what you sow for both parents.

But if thinking of it as revenge gets you through the hard parts of being a single parent dealing with a difficult / abusive ex, then whatever works.

Meanwhile, are you looking for this emoticon:

To be more even handed, it's perfectly feasible, right and proper that DC have an equal emotional bond with both parents.

But that doesn't often happen for a wide variety of reasons, and imo, where there is DV or abuse, that's no bad thing. After all, would you want your DC to grow thinking that being abusive or in an abusive relationship is what they should aspire to?