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Im such a crap mum and person, my children deserve so much more

(6 Posts)
theydeservebetter Thu 23-Jun-11 11:47:22

Im a single mum to 3 children. They are amazing i couldnt be without them but they would be so much better without me. I feel like i always have to justify why ds has nappy rash or the house is a bit untidy. I get compared to other siblings and how their parenting is clearly so much better than mine. I dont have any friends cos once i have served my purpose (taxi, babysitter, bank etc) i get ditched. I let myself be used just so i have somebody and its pathetic. Men are the same get what they want then disappear. My outlook now is trust nobody, dont let myself get close and expect nothing from nobody. I just hate to think that my children could grow up to be like me. I do my best but maybe my best just isnt good enough

GypsyMoth Thu 23-Jun-11 11:48:33

who is comparing you and making you feel this way?

theydeservebetter Thu 23-Jun-11 11:55:23

my family

molemesseskilledIpom Thu 23-Jun-11 12:24:45

To be honest..

I think you are doing a bloody wonderful job with your kids, on your own AND putting up with shit from family who are supposed to be supporting you.

Try not to worry about what other people think, either a) they are thinking the exact same thing you are and are worried about the exact same things or b) pissed off and jealous because they think that you have it "easy", and are stronger than they think they are. All of this is in thier minds and have no idea what it's really like, no matter how much you tell them.

I'll go for B. It was surprising how nasty people got after THE SPLIT, but a lot of it was just down to the fact that they are miserable themselves and are jeaslos of you because you have something or done something they are not strong enough to do.

Advice? Add all of these comments to your arsenal somewhere in your head and give yourself a pat on the back every now and again for getting through this, with no support what so ever. Use it to make yourself stronger, more determined and happier, give them a mental two fingered salute when you see them and look forward to the day when you can rub it in thier faces when you are on your feet.

I know it sounds like a load of bollocks but it does work.

PinkCarBlueCar Thu 23-Jun-11 21:56:27

CBT (Cognitive Based Therapy) may help. Try MIND

You don't sound depressed as such (although you may feel like it), more that you've got into some bad thought patterns regarding yourself and how you see yourself.

It sounds like these thoughts are from your family, which makes things even harder.

LaurieO Fri 24-Jun-11 15:51:22

Do you have very high expectations of yourself? It sounds like it and although you are under a lot of stress, the upside is that you have a very clear idea of what it takes to be a good parent. You think about the quality of your parenting, but what you're not seeing is the great things you are achieving: you kept your children safe, and have done so since you became a single parent; your children have a roof over their heads - thanks to you; I'm assuming they have clothes to wear and food to eat - again, this is down to you. You want to do the best for your children, you want to BE the best. This suggests to me that you are heading in the right direction. You obviously know you're worth it because you've reached out for help.

From what you say about giving people lifts, babysitting and lending people money, you are a woman of action and you are generous. Two great qualities right there!

You say you have been used and then abandoned by so called friends and lovers - or allowed yourself to be used. It's good that you recognise this, not everybody does or wants to. There's another way of looking at this: these people left your life because on some level you knew they were not right for you or your family. You knew you deserved better. Now you are free of them and free to create the kind of life that will make you and your children proud.

You sound ready for change. Sometimes we have to get to the point where we are appalled by what we've allowed other people to do to us and what we've done to ourselves before we take the kind of action that will change our lives for the better.

I am a single parent as well and a few years ago I realised that in order to be an effective parent I needed to work on my own 'issues' first. I had to learn to say 'no' powerfully, but not in an aggressive way. Learning to say no to people who did not have my best interests at heart made me feel more honest because I was no longer getting into situations that I knew were not right for me.

I agree with PinkCarBlueCar; we 'inherit' beliefs in our childhood from the people around us ('money doesn't grow on trees', 'other people are more important than I am'), and continual reinforcement by others of our perceived failings become ingrained until we believe they are true. It is possible to unlearn beliefs that have you feeling so inadequate.

Here are a few things you might want to try:

* Surround yourself with helpful, cheery messages;
* If you watch tv, be selective about what you watch. The news can be so depressing, ditto some soaps, so avoid them;
* Listen to uplifting music;
* Seek out books that have positive daily readings - Iyanla Vanzant is good. Or find some quotes on the net and right them down;
* Youtube personal development videos. There are so many to choose from and it's a cheap way of getting some personal development work done; * Watch programmes that make you laugh;
* Sit around the table with your children and see who can make the longest list of things you're thankful for (you could start with 'I'm the luckiest mum in the world'). When you're done, share your lists and see what you all come up with. The lovely thing is your children might reveal how much you do for them and how happy they are that you are their mum;
* Put some lovely messages on your mobile phone reminder to go off every day.

When you start feeling good about yourself as a person in your own right, you will start to feel good about yourself as a parent and you will grow in confidence.

I would encourage you to take small steps, be gentle with yourself and congratulate yourself when you achieve something.

All the best.

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