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moving away from abusive partner to new town

(6 Posts)
montbazens Tue 21-Jun-11 10:46:15

hi, this is my first ever post so please bear with me.... I have been in relationship with bf and ds was born just over 2 1/2 yrs ago.. since his birth bf has become increasingly abusive towards me.. he suffers from extreme paranoia low self esteem isssues etc but consistantly refuses to seek any help as it is much more conveinient to blame me for' ruining his life'..... i have friends around where i live but they are worrkingand have teenage kids so hard to find quality time... also bf increasingly isolating me... NOT GOOD !!!!!
anyway an opportunity is maybe coming up for a part time job back in the uk (currently i live abroad).. so am thinking of moving back but it is to an area where i will know nobody apart from brother half hour drive and mother hour drive..
i am very resourceful and have travelled the world but the thought of this big change is quite daunting . finding house, moving, claiming hb ,tax credits..affording bills by myself, new job, ds starting nursery all in a place where i will know noone ..... eek... i know i have to make a change as things cant stay as they are but it is scary all the same...although the change will be good and i know i will meet new people but i am still scared...

sunshineandbooks Tue 21-Jun-11 11:01:38

Hi montbazens.

Ordinarily I'd say it's unfair to consider taking a child to a different country away from the father, but IMO if your partner is abusive then he has forfeited that right. IME men who abuse their partners tend to abuse anyone they think think is unable to stand up to them, which makes children especially vulnerable. Knowing that should take care of any guilt you're feeling about moving.

Basically, this comes down to what you want to do and what you hope for your long-term future. Moving back to the UK would be a huge undertaking, especially with a toddler in tow, but its' doable and if you feel the outcome is well worth it then don't let the size of the task put you off.

Good luck whatever you decide. smile

GypsyMoth Tue 21-Jun-11 11:11:40

where are you op? as it may not be that easy to move back here. legally as well as prectically

where was your ds born?

does your boyfriend know of your plans?

sunshineandbooks Tue 21-Jun-11 11:17:24

Good point TIFFANY.

OP, in the UK your partner could go to court for a prohibited steps order (I think that's what it's called?) to prevent you moving away. I assume most countries have something similar or that if you are both UK citizens you may be able to have it issued in the UK but applied to you overseas? I actually have no idea, but you should definitely find out in case it could potentially scupper all your plans.

Is your partner named on the birth certificate? Does he have PR? If he doesn't he would have to go to court to get these (which he undoubtedly would get), but the process of going for it would allow you a bit more time to do what you want before he can stop anything.

whiteandnerdy Tue 21-Jun-11 12:06:10

I don't understand, your post refers to your 'bf' in the present, hence is this relationship still ongoing, or has it very recently come to an end, or is it comming to an end? Is your bf/exp going to come back to the UK with his DS, will the child have to have split residency between parents in different countries?

You also don't mention the level of your bf's increasingly abusive behavour, are we talking about violence, verbal abuse, or mental abuse. I feel I should point out that the threat or the action of taking a child away from a parent to take to another country would at least be considered to me as a form of abuse. Are you sure your not at the end of a relationship and simply fighting with each other. It does happen, it's not unheard of at the end of a relationships, however you do have to think about how your behaviour and actions will affect your children in the years to come, and make a ballanced rational decitions, are you at this point in your relationship?

montbazens Tue 21-Jun-11 15:35:15

moving back to uk is no problem legally we have both full entitlement to reside in uk and although ds was born abroad his next passport will be a uk one.. i have already checked this with passport office..and although father is named on birth cert legally in this country, fathers (unfortunately) have no pr unless parents are married....
i certainly do not believe that moving country , home to be nearer my family , to be a form of abuse... better than having to witness abusive behavoir. We have been discussing for a while that we would both rather ds to go to school in uk so this is not an 'on a whim' move... also i am not trying stop ds seeing his father but provide a more stable atmosphere where i at least have some opportunity of working wheras here the local economy is in drastic decline and i have been living on benefits for nearly 3 years.

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