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Confused re contact - should I force kids to go to their dad?

(5 Posts)
Dukey66 Mon 20-Jun-11 18:00:15

I walked out on abusive exh after divorcing through courts etc - pretty hideous time. Exh did not want divorce despite being in separate rooms for 6 years after I discovered his affair with au pair. He refused to move out - court forced sale end of 2009 but house was not selling - come October 2010, I moved out with kids (nearby) & left him in family home. Kids (12 & 13) were not keen in staying at the "family house" so not did not stay there - maybe once or twice. In march 2011 house sold & he moved into 3 bed flat - kids have stayed a couple of times only. Last time my dd stayed she met his new gf - she has not stayed since. Exh announced a couple of weeks ago that they had got married. I have no prob with her - I don't know her and told kids to give her a chance. But she is young - 20 - he is 44 & they just don't get it - my ds thinks it's odd and both seem to avoid going round. I think he is their dad so they should spend time with him - neither parties seem that keen though. Should I force it?

Triphop Mon 20-Jun-11 18:11:27

Is their Dad bothered? Is he pressing the issue with you?

Dukey66 Mon 20-Jun-11 18:24:54

Not really. He sort of says they can come round at x time but am not going to make them come if they don't want to.

Triphop Mon 20-Jun-11 18:40:23

If they don't WANT to go (and it's really them, and you enthusing about how great it is to be with Dad doesn't help the situation), and he's not fussed either way, then I wouldn't force them. But I really would encourage them. (Assuming he's a good Dad, and wasn't abusive to the kids)

But if you suspect there may be any legal fallout (ex says you're keeping the children away), you should seek legal advice. Make sure you keep records of their visits, and note down what ex is telling you.

Can you encourage them to visit him for the day? Maybe they could meet up for a chat in a cafe, or have a meal once a week? Maybe ex's DW could be 'out' at first, then introduced more gradually?

Dukey66 Mon 20-Jun-11 19:14:39

I think arranging a meal or something once a week is a good idea. I don't want to suggest his dw has to be out as feel that is trying to control him (which I have in the past been guilty). I bought a fathers day present and suggested they went round with it - I do try, there just seems no real keeness iyswim. He can be a good dad - the kids saw a lot they shouldnt have & had things thrown at ds - but the situation was stressful & frustrating for all. I dont think I need to worry re legal side - he knows I try to encourage them.

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