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WWYD? NRP Ex has texted about stopping contact 3 times since May (bit of a rant)

(5 Posts)
PinkCarBlueCar Sun 19-Jun-11 16:56:25

I've got a text from 20th May saying "contact stops from now on", one on the 30th May saying "I cannot keep up the contact" and today I got the lovely "I can't be arsed to deal with her anymore."

DD will be four next month. Court ordered contact is every Sunday during the day, with occasional Saturdays instead and half the Bank Holiday Mondays.

I'm pretty sure DD enjoys her contact with her mother, but equally I wonder if her mother really wants to keep on having contact with her, in the sense that I know that if there wasn't a court order, then she'd like to come and go from DD's life at her own convenience. This would not be acceptable to me as it would be detrimental to DD.

I was sorely tempted to text back something along the lines of "that's the third time you've said that in as many months, so how about you fuck off and leave us alone forever?". I restrained myself to "Are you fucking serious? Bring her to [where I was] if you don't want to be her mother anymore." About half hour later I followed up with "You're not here, I'm going home. This is the third time in as many months you've said about not wanting contact with DD anymore.", and now that I've checked it turns out it's far less than three months.

I am pissed off for so many reasons, mainly on DD's behalf. It occurs to me that this could be her "sense of humour" or her baiting me (she has female NPD traits), and I realise that my next step is to ask the ex if she'd like / be better able to deal with less contact - perhaps every other weekend. But that doesn't really help lessen my worry with regard to how she parents DD or my annoyance with her attitude.

About half an hour ago I got "I'm at home with her, cooked food, and she's crying for no reason". I replied to suggest she try to see it from DD's pov for what may have upset her, or just give her some hugs and positive attention.

{rant over} <breathes> Off to take my remaining anger and frustration out on the housework...

Snorbs Sun 19-Jun-11 17:28:07

You have my sympathies. I've had the same from my ex, usually either when drunk and/or she was in a strop about something and/or as a "Pay attention to MEEEEEE!!!!!" thing.

The best advice I can give is to Not Respond. At all. If your ex really does want contact to stop then she'll just not turn up. Your next step is not to ask her to change contact, your next step is to carry on doing what your doing until or unless she asks to change contact.

As for getting a text saying that DD is crying then that is not a problem you can solve as you are not there and your ex is your DD's parent too. I wouldn't have responded at all. Or, if I really felt I needed to, I would have sent something very non-committal like "That's a shame".

Trust me, I can understand your concerns. But I suspect that the games your ex is playing is a lot less to do with her and your DD and a lot more to do with her and you. Moreover, this game is hers and by playing along then she's getting what she wants - your attention on her. You cannot win this game as she'll change the rules whenever she wants. What you can do is to turn your back and not play the game at all.

PinkCarBlueCar Sun 19-Jun-11 19:18:04

Thanks, Snorbs. You're right, of course. Happy Father's Day, btw, hope you had a good one. Need to do some parenting, back in a bit.

WibblyBibble Sun 19-Jun-11 21:25:59

Jesus, she sounds like a complete pain in the arse. What I do when ex texts with random complaints of the 'she won't go to sleep/eat her dinner/stop tantrumming' variety is ignore them. I figure that it's their time with the child and they need to learn how to parent effectively and they aren't going to do that if you handhold constantly. WRT the stopping contact texts, I'd ignore them too I think, as she clearly doesn't mean it and is just being a drama-queen. Sorry you're having to deal with it, though!

PinkCarBlueCar Sun 19-Jun-11 21:40:14

You're both right. I just keep getting sucked into treating her like, well, like she's normal and has her daughter's best interests at heart.

Hey. ho. You can't help a wobble here and there, can you?

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