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Fathers day - I feel like i've let her down (sorry long)

(10 Posts)
Amieesmum Fri 17-Jun-11 18:04:49

My DD's father, decided to end contact with dd in January this year (dd 6) After i reached to the of my tether and contacted the CSA - I put a post up here at the time, I was told by his family if i continued with the CSA claim, they would stop all contact with dd

Nearly 6 months later, he's been true to his word, the money from the CSA hits my account each month, but he has had no contact with DD at all, nothing.

We still talk about him, and DD misses him greatly, they were fairly close, had weekly contact and the odd weekend away with his family. I've told her the basics of what happened, not painting her dad in a bad light, Just that daddy had decided not to see her any more etc etc.

Today she came home from school, after they had the "dad's into school" with a card for me, saying she didn't need him, she's got me, and he's horrible because he doesn't want to see her. I asked if she wanted to make him a card, and she's said she's not sure.

I feel like i'm failing her, i know it's my fault her dad isn't around, the bottom line is he never wanted her and i knew that before i'd even had her, as much as i've tried to encourage him to take a role in her life, it was always forced. He made no effort, no birthday presents, or phone calls to see how she got on at hospital appointments, or even just to talk to her. I feel so horrible that i've condemned her to a life without her father, as much as i'll encourage her to send a card to him, i know it wont be well received and i'll get a snotty phone call from his parents telling me it's nasty tatics and i shouldn't let her send him things. I just don't know what to do. She talks about him all the time, i've never let on how much i've had to force things with him, so this has hit her hard.
Not only that i'm just so angry with him, that he could do this to my baby and break her heart like this.

Sorry, Just feeling like i've got to let off steam, i'm the only single mummy in my group of friends, and i know they try to advise in the best way they can, but they've never been there themselfs. "he's a waste of space" doesn't really help, I already know that, but it doesn't help DD by saying it.

corlan Fri 17-Jun-11 18:26:13

He refuses to see his child because you went to the CSA? What kind of man does that?

I'm so sorry for you and especially your daughter, but please do not blame yourself - you have done nothing wrong.

The truth is that any man that can behave that way is pure scum and his family who back him up are pure scum too.

I think all you can do is try to keep your (justifiable!) bitterness to yourself and know that you've tried your best.

girliefriend Fri 17-Jun-11 20:34:59

Oh bless it is a 100% NOT your fault!!

Men are weird and somehow seem to be able to seperate themselves from their kids and not think about it.

My dd is 5 and has no contact with her father through his choice and I find it mind boggling that he wouldn't want to be involved when his dd is amazing!!!

I think you are doing the right things, allow your dd to ackowledge that it is hard and not fair, let her know if she is feeling sad about it she can talk to you and you will listen. Also focus on who she has got in her life, the people that love her.

I also struggle with not knowing any other single parents in my situation - I don't suppose you are in the south west are you?!

I've done a couple of the single with kids holidays and have had a great time, good way to meet other mums and also for the kids to meet other children that haven't got dads.

Amieesmum Fri 17-Jun-11 22:02:00

Just having an off day today, tomorrow i'll be fine again. Some days i just feel so guilty for everything, and so angry at him for doing this. He had the chance when she was 2 (and had never met her, again his choice) to walk away and not be part of her life at all, he promised he's never leave again - assured me he wanted to be a proper dad - and then he did this. I should just add, i didn't call the CSA for no reason, We'd made an agreement the year before, that he's provide (within reason) things i needed for DD (ie school uniform, shoes, some new clothes, and halfs on birthdays and christmas's) He didn't stick to his side of the deal, we'd planned a holiday together, as we both wanted to go away, but didn't want to go with friends, and thought it would be nice for DD - he failed to pay his half of the holiday the day it was due - and said he couldn't afford to come - he'd let me pay the full deposit and my half of the money, and led me to believe he'd be coming for 3 months! So i had to stump up the cash and name change last minute, or lose my deposit (which was 700quid!!)

I'm not i'm afraid, i'm in the east midlands.

Maelstrom Fri 17-Jun-11 22:09:21

"Not only that i'm just so angry with him, that he could do this to my baby and break her heart like this."

I could have written that line myself, however as angry as I am, I can't make a good parent out of twat. And believe me, children are better off not seeing such a dad, than seeing one that breaks their heart at every single contact opportunity.

My son was constantly abused during contact, I am angry with his dad, but I now deep inside me that this is the lesser of two evils.

VioletV Fri 17-Jun-11 23:35:07

What corlan said with bells and cherries on top. You've done nothing wrong and he sounds like pure scum.

sunshineandbooks Fri 17-Jun-11 23:43:02

Maelstrom your post is spot on. Please take them to heart Annie.

This is NOT NOT NOT your fault. No decent human being would do what he has done. What a cowardly, immature, spiteful thing to do to a 6-year-old child, and not any 6-year-old child but his own daughter. Words fail me other than to say I am disgusted. Don't you dare feel that you've done anything wrong. Unless you raped him he has no right to dump responsibility by saying he never really wanted her in the first place. A baby is always a possibility from having sex, even with precautions, and if you don't want to face up to that, however unlikely you think it will be, you shouldn't have sex. His saying he didn't want a child isn't a reason it's a chicken-shitted excuse.

I suspect he would have dropped out of seeing her eventually anyway. This is just his way of punishing you for asking him to face up to his responsibilities.

I know it's hard but you and your DD really are better off without him.

You sound like you're handling it just the right way. You are not showing bitterness to your DD but you are not lying to her either (lying is always a mistake, even if you think you are doing it to protect their feelings). You carry on doing what you're doing and you'll be fine. I know it hurts and I know it must be heartbreaking to see your DD struggling with this rejection, but you're doing everything you can. She will get past this with your support and you and she will have an unbreakable bond as a result.

Hugs. smile

peachyuk Sat 18-Jun-11 21:34:38

this might not help you but my mum was a single parent to 3 girls (i'm in the middle)

my 'dad' left because he decided that he didn't want girls he wanted a son. i was the same age as your dd is now. we didn't have any contact - he didn't want it nor did he pay anything. his family didn't want anything to do with us either.

anyway - my mum never once bad mouthed (sp?) him at all. but we knew that once we were old enough to find him if we wanted to, we never did.

think what i am trying to say is that your dd will not blame you. remember that you will always be there for her no matter what

WibblyBibble Sat 18-Jun-11 21:59:52

God, what a horrible man he must be. It's not in any way your fault, even if he 'didn't want' your dd- he shouldn't have been having sex if he wasn't prepared for a possibility (however remote) that he'd get someone pregnant and become a dad. The fact that he was involved with her before you went to the CSA (which was the right thing to do for your daughter- she needs to be supported by both parents!) makes it obvious that he's just using her in this really petty way for 'revenge' on you. That's entirely his fault and not yours at all. It's horrible that your poor dd has to suffer having such a juvenile, selfish man as her father, but maybe one day he will grow up- and if not, lots of people have grown up without dads around and are fine (e.g. Barack Obama!), so it's not the end of the world!

WibblyBibble Sat 18-Jun-11 22:02:57

PS If you have a postal address for him, and she wanted to, she could always post him a card? It would be a way for her to feel she still had some contact with him, maybe, though of course if she didn't want to then I wouldn't try to persuade her as he doesn't deserve one at all.

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