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query about child access if restraining order granted

(12 Posts)
splishsplosh Sat 11-Jun-11 23:41:52

Ex is due to be sentenced at the end of the month after being found guilty of harassment. The police are going to request that a restraining order is made, and apparently the probabtion service (from previous conviction for breaching non molestation order and breaking into our house) are also wanting to make a non contact order as they have grave concerns over him.

He's not seeing the children at the moment as his bail conditions prohibt any contact with me or them, but just wondered what might happen if a restraining order is granted.

I know there are contact centres, but these wouldn't be used forever would they? Would there need to be someone independent to deal with handovers?

There was a period where he saw the children when they went to visit his family, but his relationship with them is not great either, so not the most reliable arrangement. There's no one else.

I know I'm jumping ahead of myself as it hasn't even been granted - but even if it isn't I need to find a way where I am not involved.

Maelstrom Sat 11-Jun-11 23:45:40

Cross the bridge when you get there, for the time being enjoy the peace, I'm sure that getting to this point where you have been awarded protection has been a very difficult trip.

splishsplosh Sat 11-Jun-11 23:55:11

I have been enjoying the peace recently - has been fantastic not to have contact with him, but one way or another, at the end of the month his bail conditions will lift and he will want to see the children again (which I wouldn't stop anyway, just don't want to have any contact with him myself) - so I guess it's starting to play on my mind about what will happen next.

PinkCarBlueCar Sun 12-Jun-11 00:00:39

If the situation merits it (and sadly, it sounds like it could), then a contact centre could be used for many, many years.

He could even have fully supervised contact for many years, but that would need to be funded - most likely by Social Services.

I say this in the spirit of re-assuring you that yours and your DC's safety should be paramount with the courts, and from knowing that there are NRP's out there that have had supervised contact for years.

Other than that, what Maelstrom said.

splishsplosh Sun 12-Jun-11 00:06:18

Thanks for your responses - will just cross my fingers for now that things will be sorted out, and try and appreciate the next 3 weeks. Not that entirely relaxing is possible given that my safety officer tells me to keep eye out, and be ready to call 999 if see him...

Maelstrom Sun 12-Jun-11 00:10:47

Try to relax, you know that days of peace do not come often or forever.
My ex is also an arse that doesn't waste any oportunity to make life miserable to DS and I. I have learned to enjoy any hapiness/peace to the maximum as I know it may be gone tomorrow. You have all the time of the world to worry about what next but enjoy these three weeks (and hope for the best) :-)

splishsplosh Sun 12-Jun-11 00:16:05

sorry to hear that Maelstrom - I don't understand how they can just keep on with causing misery - why don't they ever give up! Does it really give them so much satisfaction?

Maelstrom Sun 12-Jun-11 00:20:47

I don't know... I believe my ex gets feeling more miserable every time he acts like that, but he can't stop himself. So, I suppose that is not about changing their behaviour but about finding the way that that behaviour doesn't end up ruling your actions.

Katem81 Wed 07-Sep-11 23:38:30


A similar thing has recently happened to me. I have been granted a restraining order after numerous incidents. The order lasts until further order and states that he is not allowed to come to my house or contact me unless via a solicitor in relation to child contact. He has not contacted me, but then he only got out of prison Monday. I'm not really sure if he will go to a solicitor or not about contact, it's not in his character to do things 'the right way' though. now it's a matter of waiting until he makes his next move. Only time will tell, its a shit state of affairs I know! Feels like your still living life at the arms of some abusive toss pot, even after you kick em to the curb! The thing is you can't second guess what people are going to do. Most of the time, people are so unpredictable. Would be nice if he just dissappeared or got some sort of brain transplant....ohhh wishful thinking haha

I do know though, that if he did go to court, it is more than likely that he will be granted supervised access. However, it really does depend on the judge, it's impossible to give a 100% answer, but based on the welfare checklist, and the proven risk of harm, your ex would need to be bringing some hard evience to court to get them to order otherwise. The court should order a welfare or a CAFCASS report before making any order. The court would not put you or your children at proven risk. Contact centre's have seperate entrances so you would not have to see him. Dependant on policy in your area, he may have to pay for the contact centre as well, unless your child is subject to child protection proccedings it's normally between £60-£80 ph. Alot of contact centres have waiting lists as well, in my area its 6months. If they order supervised, a contact worker would be making notes during the contact, and would step in if his behaviour became inappropriate During the ordered time, he would need to jump through the nessecary hoops i.e turn up on time, behave himself. Then it can go back to court where it would be reassessed.

hope this helps, the little rant helped me haha


cestlavielife Thu 08-Sep-11 10:18:01

if court order the contact then it is possible that cafcass will pay for it . otherwise he might be ordered to pay or you/he half/half.

enjoy teh peace but look up local contact centres as some offer proper supervised contact others volunteer run. there are some cafcass run centres.

if contact goes well in contact centre after some time then yes he could ask court to review and move it forward -eg supervised outside centre by adult you both agree to.
then gradually to unsupervised.

but as he has restraining order any arrangements should be made thru third party.

and keep careful log of any of his behaviour.

you can get mutli disciplinary meeting with SS, dv worker etc - ask locally eg DV unit at police what is on offer.

as kate says - it takes a while and tehre are wait lsits - so contact unlikely to happen for a while you and dc enjoy thepeace in the meantime. tho if they asking for contact you could offer indirect eg cards/email .

angrywoman Thu 08-Sep-11 12:18:24

Volunteer staffed contact centres vary. Ours has a nine month limit. As this is soon to be reached CAFCASS have referred us to have a social worker supervise the children's dad one to one for 6 months with full reports.

splishsplosh Wed 14-Sep-11 20:12:51

Thanks everyone for the information, it's really helpful
And sorry Kate that you've had a difficult time as well

Things are in limbo here really - he didn't turn up for his sentencing at the end of June, so there's a warrant out for his arrest, but obviously they've had no luck finding him so far.

At least obviously he can't seek contact at the moment, so we have peace in that way, though always have a worry he'll turn up out of the blue. Am hoping that the fear of arrest will keep him away, but I know from emails he continued to send until I blocked him, (all forwarded to the police) that he remains obsessive and not exactly well balanced.

Dd2 was only 10 months old when we left for a refuge, and we were gone for a year, he only saw the children a few times, and then although he had a lot of contact when we returned, his awful behaviour then led to him having bail conditions not allowing him contact with me or him. So she doesn't even mention him.

Dd1 is 5 now - she mentions him sometimes, but saw enough of his behaviour to have divided feelings about seeing him. She seems to miss fathers group (almost the only time he spent much time with her, he liked people seeing him be a good dad, even if couldn't be bothered if no witnesses) rather than him as such.

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