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A lone parent once again.. please reassure me it's going to be ok

(3 Posts)
splashymcsplash Fri 10-Jun-11 21:31:58

Husband wasn't around for my whole pregnancy, wanted me to have an abortion, I chose my baby over him (which wasn't a hard choice as he was being an absolute prick trying to force me to have an abortion). He was also very abusive.

On the lovely drug, baby high after giving birth I asked him to come back.. well it lasted two days before he shouted at me while I was holding our daughter. I asked him to leave then. He still took paternity leave and refused to do anything to help me or her, including when I needed nappies and couldn't get out (still recovering, 2 floors up, no lift, unable to carry pram and baby downstairs on my own) he refused to help. Luckily a friend helped out and has been an absolute angel since the birth.

When my dd was sick he didn't want to know/help, despite me telling him how difficult it is to be a single mum to a sick baby. She had severe reflux/colic and would scream pretty much 24/7, projectile vomit everywhere, I was exhausted!! She also lost lots of weight and was referred to the hospital ?allergy and I was very worried.

The idiot that I was I asked him back when my dd was 4 months old, I really didn't want to do it on my own anymore sad We
worked on making the relationship work and he moved in a month ago. Now he has walked out again.

He won't look after his daughter even though he had took time off work and was meant to, and tells me he isn't here to 'babysit' her. I don't see how its babysitting when it's your own child!! This left me in a really shit situation. I have been trying to contact him for him to visit her, but he won't even pick up. I feel sad that its distressing for her that he has worked out as she has bonded with him now and doesn't know why he has gone.

Please tell me it's going to be ok! I just felt so lonely before and found it really hard coping on my own.

Newbabynewmum Fri 10-Jun-11 21:41:44

It is going to be ok. And you are going to cope. I promise.

Not only as ur DD gets older will it et easier (less crying, more sleep, less sick etcetc) but hopefully soon you will realise what a good job you've done. It's so tough being on your own & to get through it is amazing.

You do not need him. Honestly. You really don't. And in time you'll realise how nice it is being without a useless, abusive partner.

Re the contact - can you get legal aid? Or afford a solicitor? Then they could try to contact him on your behalf. Not only will he know you're being serious then but it will all be documented that you are pushing for contact and he's not trying.

You got to 4mo on your own. It all gets (a bit) easier and a lot more fun from here trust me. I left my EX when my DD was 2mo - shes now 8mo, everyday I know I did the right thing for her (and me). The first time you realise this it's an amazing and empowering thing.

Do you have friends and family supporting you? There if you have a bad day?

loopiloo Fri 10-Jun-11 21:43:38

hi there

hang in there!! you will get there.

in plain speaking it is hard, it's harder than most people ever imagine, but here is the truth- if he is going to let you adn your child down then it will be harder with him around than not, your hopes will be dashed again and again, the hurt will keep going around and around.

you need help with the childcare - to get a tiny bit of rest, book in your friend, make new mum friends at babyclub and talk to your healthvisitor. this will give you some security which will help you also feel less tired and more able to cope.

you don't need an emotional rollercoaster - you need to put yourself and your baby first. you don't feel like it now, but be proud you tried with him, you gave him more chances than anyone else would. you cannot force a person to be a good person, trust me - i tried and it really, really doesn't work. if he did stay becos he felt he hd to you would spend all your time worrying that he wasn only there cos he had to....not that he wanted to be with the baby and you.....

also your baby will pick up on your being upset and hurt etc.... so, go back to basics, get yourself a bit of security- people you know will be around as friends, advice, etc, evern just poppiong out to baby clinics nad cafes, etc, and then deal with the hurt of being let down by him... it is crap, but trust me you will get through it! your life will build up - just keep believing in it!

and don't forget you are amazing - you haven't given up on your baby and trust m i know how much work it is. other mums are rooting for you. hang int here, get your baby and yourself as the first priority. if your daughter grew up and was witha guy that was like him and had a baby with himw aht would you say to her ?........... x

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