father has no contact - should i contact him?

[loopiloo]

hi there,
was wondering if anyone could maybe give me a bit of advice?? it's nothing urgent, but its something that no-one else has really been able to help with.

ok, kwik breakdown is that i'm divorced, amazing 9yr old child whose father doesn't see him, (ex husband walked out on us when he was 6 months old and then had crap contact with him for 5 years then dropped him like a hot potato). i'm lucky that i've had a long time to get over the crap and heartbreak and whilst it sucked i managed to get trough it and have a very happy, confident, outgoing child.
2 years ago an acquaintance and i got physical and were very safe, but i fell pregnant (even the doc had a shock that i was p). wasn't planned and father was only working in teh area temp. he left area, i contacted him adn told him about pregnancy, whilst he was shocked he was ok about it but admitted that he didn't feel that he could be involved and stated that he'd just signed a contract abroad. i just told him i just wanted to know what he wanted and to be honest. so the decision to have baby was mine.
i'm now a very happy (if exhausted mother of 2). my children adore each other (i'm just the royal servant that serves the food and changes nappies - :) and we are a very happy family unit. i work part time on low wages but am thinking of reusing my degree to get back into a better paid job, but basically i pay my bills and the children want for nothing so i feel pretty blessed. i took my ex husband to the csa 4 years ago and get payments via csa for eldest (not a lot - it's amazing how he can wangel the cash in hand work!!) , but i didn't ask for anything from father of youngest. everyone keeps telling me i should, but i guess i just feel so humiliated that i fell pregnant when i really really tried to make sure i wouldn't. also the dad earns a lot and i didn't want him thinking i was after his money, i know that happened to a few of his friends where women got preg on purpose!! nightmare no! i sent him a pic of baby when he was born and then at 6 months and he replied that he didn't want any contact. after maternity leave it was touch and go whether i'd be made redundant so i sent him a text asking if he'd contribute if i was he said yes, but i heard nothing else.

i 'm finding it hard to get him out of my head, i'm very happy with my children, and in manay ways i'm happy i don't have the crap/hearbreak i had with my exhusband - that was rock bottom and made me very ill at teh time. i keep wondering if i should contact him again, but fear that he might suddenly turn in to an a* and cause us grief stops me. i don't want him in our lives. i also realise that if he isn't man enough to offer to help support the child even if he doesn't want to be involved then he's not much of a man!!.

so the nuts question to anyone out there with any kind of similar situation is this = does it ever stop floating around your head???? i get cross that i think of h im randomly, he's 'there' and i'm sure he hasn't though about me or child very much at all except for worrying about his bank balance???
i know it seems petty in comparison to many people's questions but i just wondered if anyone has anything similar??

cheers big style :)

[lemonsquish]

Hi loopiloo, I've been in a similarish situation to you. DD2s father decided he didn't want anything to do with her either, and also started working abroad. It takes time but you will get him out of your head, to a certain extent.

DD is 12 now and has recently been through a stage of asking about him quite a bit, so it has brought it back a bit, but you have a while till you get to this.

He also earned quite a bit of money, I'm not interested in it, but I'm sure that he thinks that's why I got pregnant! Very sad way of thinking, but that seems to be how some people are.

I like to think that he thinks about DD, but I really don't know. It's hard for us to understand because we love them so much. I wish that DD had a better father, but I couldn't wish for a more lovely DD, who I am proud of every minute of every day.

It is the so-called fathers who are missing out, not our children, or us

[silvervelvet]

My DS is 13 and has never had contact with his father either. It was a bit more complex than your situation as he was violent, so I was very relieved to have him out of our lives.

I have to say, after all this time, I don't think of him often and DS doesn't ask about him (there was a period when he wanted answers but it seems to be behind him now).

We've never had maintenance but to be honest it's not bothered me, even when we were on benefits, we managed just fine. I know I could go to the CSA but we're settled and stable as we are, plus I have a new DH who has no issues with supporting DS.

Honestly, compared to my other friends who do have contact, our lives are much more straightforward. No fussing about sharing Christmas and summer holidays, trying to organise which weekends are his, arguing over school uniforms being left at the wrong house and whether they'll get permission to go abroad or to relocate for a new job. I would never want to expose DS to all of that so I have decided not to rock the boat.

[FionaJT]

I'm in a similar situation too. DD's father is still in the country but I moved to a new area for a fresh start when I had decided to go ahead with everything on my own and he had made it clear he wouldn't get involved. Difference is that he has very little money, so trying to claim maintenance seems pointless as it would make little material difference to us, and only cause stress on all sides.
My dd is 6, and I do think of him quite often, and dd goes through phases of asking los of questions (which I try to answer as truthfully as possible) and phases of not talking about him at all. I would never try to contact him - if he doesn't want to get in touch then why would I want to introduce that sort of upset into my and DD's life? I can't imagine that me trying to force the issue would result in any sort of positive experience for her.
I think at the back of my mind is also that keeping things as calm as possible now might make it easier if she does want to go and track him down when she is an adult.

[loopiloo]

thanks so much everyone! your replies have really helped - it's been great to have people who have been in similar situation give advice.

i think you are all spot on - it's not about the person who is absent but the love nad life we have together and that i guess in time he will be out of my head :)

after reading your replies i sat down and really questioned what it is that i really want, and i think it's just that basic wanting to know/understand .... not much use really, just nosiness :) ha ha ha - any minute now i'm turning into one of those curtain twitchers :)

time to move on i think, my ds is almost 1 and i'm soo proud of him, he's only wee but he's a wee smasher and has so much love from everyone, he and my eldest ds totally adore each other (older ds is already asking when they can get bunkbeds and be in teh same room!) , we do laugh a lot as a family and have lots of love, i will answer his questions teh best i can when he gets bigger and then it is up to him.

i know this wasn't an urgent post, but seriously, thankyou soo much,. this has been floating round and round my head like a merry go round for ages.
thanks x)