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driven out of town by ex and his mother! ??

(10 Posts)
angrywoman Wed 08-Jun-11 12:31:59

Am going to check in for replies later as have to go out but here's the situation...
Live in north in same city as my parents and am happy here but just graduating and want to take studying to ma level, so would consider moving, perhaps not too far, in any case...
BUT I have 3 children, 10, 8 and 5, quite settled except for their father, who they have supervised contact with 1h a week due to his health problem and alcoholism. Now their paternal g.parents have completely turned against me and started to involve my kids ... so I had to stop contact unless they agreed to mediation (no joy). These people can't see that they are in wrong and are threatening further court action. They have money and professional status. However the cafcass worker has told me today that it would be understandable if I wanted to leave the country...??!! This is based on interviewing the gps at the court (they accompanied their son) when they behaved in a very difficult manner.
I am seriously thinking of leaving town, going South or even abroad. I NEVER wanted to put my kids through a big move like this, but I can't take anymore legal stress and I am beginning to think that contact with gps and dad is never going to work/ be beneficial to the children. An extreme reaction I know but situation has been insane and I was also gently considering moving anyway.

JBellingham Wed 08-Jun-11 14:05:37

They were allowed to attend family court with your exp?

gillybean2 Wed 08-Jun-11 16:53:54

Sorry but I don't think moving is the answer to your problems. The gp's will still take you to court for contact and may even seek to stop you moving, particularly abroad. Why change your plans for education etc just for them?

Just keep offering mediation. A court will want to see mediation has been tried and send them for it as a starting point. So make it clear you are happy for mediation and be sure to document the fact that they keep refusing.
Running away Moving will simply extend the court process and add further complications.

I feel that the CAFCASS office was either trying to be 'friendly' to show that they were finding it hard going with gp's too and sympathised with you. Or was acting on something he had been told to see what your reaction is to moving as your ExIL's may have suggested that you are going to move and take the dc away from the, and their dad. Either way I soubt it was meant seriously!
Once you've calmed down a bit hopefully you'll see that it's better to get this situation sorted out for your dc, rather than attenpt to leave it behind which will probably backfire and cause even more court/legal issues.

angrywoman Thu 09-Jun-11 11:08:40

they (the gp's) were under the impression that they were party and also, ex has put them forward as possible supervisors (of him, during contact). Can't say I think this would work even if I knew I could trust the gp's. They have fallen out with him before to the extent of violence between ex and his stepfather.
Cafcass worker was being sympathetic by saying it as it was clear from what she said that she'd seen worst of ex's mother. Infact she said that this needs THERAPY, mediation won't do it... !
I have been sole carer for 1.5 years now.
I am going to look at career options and courses elsewhere in any case. I don't think I can continue on to MA level with the stress that made me anxious and depressed to the extent I nearly gave up degree. I was on sleeping pills and betablockers by the end.
I can't tell you in a message like this how much I have tried, given chances and really hoped to resolve this with ex and gps.

sjsd Sun 12-Jun-11 20:13:16

im gong through the same thing so i know how you feel

my ex didnt want anything to do with my kiddies,he hasnt seen them for 17months now he has only seen my dd once when she was 6weeks old he demanded a dna test which was done (i already knew the results) it was just another way for him and his family to drag me through the mud and try to dirty my name,

his mother reported me to social services to which they came to my home as an emergency to remove the kiddies from my care as i was a drug using violent neglectful mother that palmed my children off on anyone while i got high

i was also reported to various other places for growing drugs at my home amongst other things

we have been going through court proceedings for over a yr now, and to be honest he hasnt got a leg to stand on, all the background checks done on him have dragged up stuff he didnt think would get mentioned

we are currently waiting on pyschological reports on him
he has had in direct contact since august and has managed to send 4 cards

but yet he still bleets on that hes a good dad and would do anything for his kiddies, and trys to blame me for all this

i too have thought about moving away, but realised this wouldnt disapear just because i did, i dont see why i should have the upheavel of a move and getting the kiddies re settled, so im going to front it all out and hold my head up high beacuse i know the truth and will be able to tell my kiddies the same when they are old enough

CAFCASS are realy good at what they do, they can see through people.

i always asked to be seated in a different waiting area in court and i amke sure that reasons why are known (due to the dirty looks and whispers from ex and his family) i was worried when these proceedings started that my ex would make me to look like a nut job and that he was a hard done to father but my solicitor told me that if you give someone enough rope they will hang themselves and thats what my ex is doing (apologies for the essay)

angrywoman Tue 14-Jun-11 19:42:04

Ah, knew there would be someone out there! I have been told by solicitors etc often enough that it's not uncommon for the grandparents to jump on- board with a hate campaign.
It's just so sad for the children.
I think my ex and his mother could do with psychological reports. Have you been told how these work, SJ?

sjsd Tue 14-Jun-11 21:26:10

hi im not 100% sure how they work exactly but from what my sols have told me the psychologist looks at all the reports from the court hearings and any other checks that have been done turns out my ex had a extensive criminal record for violence and has anger management reports stating that he has problems with women and still poses a risk and he has been identified as been a controlling bully!!! cafcass also spoke to us both seperatly when the court proceedings started so that report is taken into consideration, the dr then compilies a list of questions and uses these to asses my ex, my sol as told me that the report is very black and white altough the dr cant say whether or not ex should the kiddies, sol says you will read it between the lines, CAFCASS then do a report of the back of this and thats the decision, its a very long drawn out process i have court dates up to the end of august and then that should be it over with...

i was told the same re grandparents but she also told me that even if ex does get access (and its a massive if hes got more chance of flying to the moon) the his mother would have to take me to court seperatly for access, but because of the trouble she has caused she wouldnt have a leg to stand on...

angrywoman Wed 15-Jun-11 18:36:53

thanks sj, thats interesting. Court dates til August though - such a pain. I am starting to feel almost comfortable with court I have been that many times. Stupid waste of time, resources and energy that it has mostly been. Still, the ex took me to court for contact in the first instance, wanted unsupervised even though he'd collapsed drunk when they were in his care. No chance. I reckon a psychological report on him would show just how unstable he is. He is known to local police now and was recently involved with some incident recently involving a knife, (they came round to me at 2am, wanting to know if he was here, as if, just my name and address was linked on file!). When we were together and after we split he was always trying to make out that I was the nut-job. Awful isn't it. A typical abusive tactic I have realised, having gone to womens aid to talk about it, when at my wits end.
We are not alone with the gp's problem, are we, all these sad aging people who are never going to apologise/ see sense and will regret their behaviour. Will be too late on the death bed unfortunately. And I will not feel guilty, for my decision to protect my kids from yet more undermining and negative comments about their mum. (Ex was enough, thanks). As the only stable carer I have to protect myself for their and my own sake.

sjsd Wed 15-Jun-11 20:55:52

i would make sure that your sol and cafcass know about the drunk collapse and the knife incident as this may sway them into doing tests,

you have nothing to feel guilty about your doing the best for your kiddies, my 2 are the only reason im doing all this to protect them and give them a stable happy homelife, my little girl is ony and doesnt know her dad so she wouldnt go anywhere near him (she likes who she knows and thats it lol) and my lad has seen unfortunatley for him what his dad has done and said to me he doesnt ask about him often and when he does its only to say that he doesnt want to see his dad ds calls him by his first name now anyway..

you can ask for the link of him at address to be removed,

im the same with court i have to arrange childcare for dd make sure someone can pick up ds frm school, and ex has nothing to worry about hes got nothing else to do with his day... hes only doing all this to try and still hold some control over me pathetic really... i always get realy nervous and start wringing my hands but i try not let this show i take a deep breath and hold my head up high

angrywoman Wed 22-Jun-11 20:22:47

To update: Ex's mother and step father turned up at court with a very PROACTIVE solicitor... It was a hearing between me and exP but the three of them barged into the room first and half the hearing was taken up by their sol trying to get leave from the judge for GPs to apply for contact order. It was SO insane. The judge said they would have to put it in writing and the parties (me and x) would have to give responses. There is no reason why these people should be party. I think they stand no chance as they have refused to go to mediation first, which is just, well, sensible?! Still in SHOCK at the wrongness of them barging in like that. I am not represented so it was just me, the terrible three, my ex and the cafcass worker, who did not get a word in!!

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