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Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Lone parents

do i give baby daddy yet another chance?

13 replies

WelshCat · 07/06/2011 21:01

(fyi, I do hate the term baby daddy but I have used it so much in jest it has stuck...)

Ok, here goes, Ill try and keep it short..

Me and DS father were together on and off for about 3 years, sometimes with up to six months of not speaking at all between being together. He cheated on me, and we were not exactly lovely to eachother all the time. A lot of that in hindsight was to do with going out all the time and being drunk and fighting.

Anyway, I got pregnant, he was delighted, but 2 months later we split up. He tried to win me back, proposed (!) and sent flowers etc but I said no. I then had no contact with him except a brief spell of nasty emails on both sides, until DS was born.

DS father came to see him once, then did not show with no explanation 6 times in a row, so I stopped contact again.

DS is 10 months now and I have been speaking with EX and he has seen DS a few times. It has been going well and he does seem to have grown up a lot since DS was born, he says all the right things and offers me money etc.

However, he wants to get back with me. I love him, and always have since the start, but I don't know if its the right thing to do! My mind tells me the best thing for DS is for his parents to be happy and together and there for him, but can I just forget all that has happened so easily?

Small other issue is that I have been living with my mother since I split with EX and has helped me out LOADS, and she hates him, and would be very angry if I got back with him. Although I don't know that I should let her opinion cloud my judgement, I don't want to piss her off.

Anyway, so I'm confused. Any 3rd party opinion would be helpful, of someone not involved that doesn't hate DS's father with the fire of a thousand suns....

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NurseSunshine · 07/06/2011 21:59

IMO the best thing for children is having parents who work together to do what's right for the child.

If the parents are together but fighting/not speaking/being horrible to one another/getting drunk/cheating etc then how does that benefit the child?

I can't tell you whether you should be with this guy or not as I don't know either of you or what you were like when you were together, only you can decide if it would be a good idea. But ask yourself what exactly you love about him? Can you really see it working out?

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WelshCat · 07/06/2011 22:06

well, i dont drink anymore and the going out/cheating/drinking/fighting is no longer relevant as i now have a child.

basically all im asking is whether its worth giving it a shot, coz who can ever tell if a relationship is gonna work out. nobody can meet someone and know without a doubt that they will last forvever.

i am a little insulted (!) that you would assume i was saying that if we got back together and acted the way we did before i would bring my child into that! of course not! i wouldnt consider it if that was the case.

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Newbabynewmum · 07/06/2011 22:12

People are an EX for a reason IMO, I know it seems like a happy family has to have a mum & dad together but they really don't. Good luck with whatever you do. I would stay on your own, but that's just me x

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WelshCat · 07/06/2011 22:13

argh. lol i know how much trouble it would cause with my family etc if i did it. but then there is that nagging feeling that i should maybe give it a go coz i (maybe stupidly) believe that we are able to do it this time. and if not then at least we will know forever then.

maybe im just deluded..

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Newbabynewmum · 07/06/2011 22:19

I almost went back to my EX after I had left him.

I had a little epiphany moment that kept me away thank god!

I was the same - I now realise my family hated him because of the way he treated me & how he made me feel. There's normally a reason lots of people don't want you to be together - I know that now.

Why would your childs life be better? If you EX hasn't changed before what do you really have to go on that he has changed now & for good? I'm swayed by my own situation. But if he really is a nice guy and wants you back then the option will be there in the future & he'll realise he has to earn your trust again. If he's rushing you into a decision it's not worth it.

I'd give it sometime. He might swan off again in a few months. Don't rush into anything.

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tribpot · 07/06/2011 22:19

"well, i dont drink anymore and the going out/cheating/drinking/fighting is no longer relevant as i now have a child."

And what about him? Does he still go out? He's only managed to see your ds a few times in a row, isn't it a bit early to believe that he's really changed / wants a commitment? I'm not saying dismiss it out of hand, but from what you've written he seems to be all about the big gesture and not the steady compromise of a long-term relationship.

Why not let himself spend some time proving himself as a good father to ds and a willing co-parent with you?

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WelshCat · 07/06/2011 22:26

tribpot you are right. this is exactly why i posted this! its so fricking hard to think outside of my own feelings/experiences and just be sensible. lol i didnt even realise i didnt have to decide right now.

and newbabynewmum you are right about people hating him for a reason, i know why, coz he did treat me badly, but i also have to accept that i was not completely innocent either.. and as far as him changing his lifestyle, he has quite considerably, he doesnt smoke weed any more which was by far the biggest problem.

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NurseSunshine · 08/06/2011 22:32

Apologies, I didn't mean to insult you. I was assuming that it wasn't just you getting drunk/cheating/fighting etc. Has he become as responsible since your DS was born?

I agree with Tribpot, at least wait until he's proved that he can keep his promises to DS and show up when he says he will etc.

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WelshCat · 09/06/2011 19:34

yes, thank you for being so honest and blunt lol! i have told him i need to be able to trust him before i can say whats gonna happen. he does seem genuine and changed but i guess only time will tell!

i only posted this on here coz i was so insanely confused!

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sjsd · 12/06/2011 19:55

this sounds like me and my ex, i kept going back even though i knew i shouldnt but i was going to be the one that changed him (big joke), i put up with violence cheating lying scheming i even stuck by him while he went to prison,

i had masses of support from my mum and family who all hated his guts, and warned me that i would loose them if i kept going back to him i ended up having 2 kiddies to him (i dont regret my kiddies not even for a second) but i have woke up and smelt the coffee and it smells great

he hasnt been in the kiddies lifes for 19mths and its been bliss, altough him and his family are bein major arseholes (visits from social services, false reports) they are currently draggin me through court for access

he promised me many a times he had changed and that things would be good and we could be a family, i fell for these lines over and over

i think if hes genuine and he has changed then theres no need to rush into it give it time only time will tell, if hes serious then he will understand your reservations and he will wait for you to be sure

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WelshCat · 15/06/2011 13:26

thanks for your reply. yeah i have actually spoken to him now and told him im not prepared to lose my family for him, and that he has to prove himself.

he has taken it well so who knows!!

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SpringchickenGoldBrass · 16/06/2011 01:26

Does 'getting back with him' have to involve moving in together immediately? If that's what he's asking, dump him now - what he wants is his dinner cooked, his shitty pants washed and his cock sucked, while he carries on doing what he likes.
If what he is suggesting is that you and him and your DS spend some time all together (rather than him having access and taking DS out but not spending more than minimal time with you) then there is no harm in taking it slowly and seeing what happens but that means taking it VERY slowly. A few days out, a little social time, maybe an evening of just you and him in a month or so's time to see if you have anything to say to one another, etc. If he's up for that, he might well have grown up a bit. It might work. But be on the lookout for dickhead behaviour and don't tolerate it.

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WelshCat · 17/06/2011 20:16

:) i love your bluntness. hehe. and yeah i think it is more like the latter. he seems to be very understanding, so much so that im a little sceptical lol, doesnt seem much like him!

but yeah, slowly does it hey. dont feel like im lying to my mum as much when me and ex are not 'officially together' either.