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Non-single friend etiquette.....

(9 Posts)
SpongebobsSquarepants Sun 05-Jun-11 21:43:44

Perhaps a bit of a lone parent AIBU!

Briefly, have been friends with a woman for over 15 years, close friends for about 6 years during which time i've had a couple of relationships, friend had none. As i've always done, I still visited friend every other weekend for what I suppose you'd call girly time together, just us and the kids, couple of pizzas etc. Nothing changed.

Friend met someone about six months ago. I cant grumble that i'm not invited over as such because it was never by invitation anyway, just something we did for a long time "are you busy this weekend, shall we meet up?". When I mentioned a get together recently she said how great it would be as I haven't been to see her for ages and how she's not sure what time (lets call him John) will be round. Then my heart sinks. I really dont want to sit in her house with her and her new boyf all night. So I made an excuse not to go.

It's not that i've never invited her here, I have lots of times suggested perhaps we meet at mine instead but she's always insisted she couldn't afford the travel (which neither could I to be fair but I always made the effort).

She asked me down for her birthday and spent all night texting him (this was just before their first date). When we all went out for my dd's birthday (mums and kids), they had been together for about two weeks, she suggested he might "pop in" to the family pub we were having our meal at. Months later at my birthday meal she said there was no point me inviting him as he doesn't "do meals"...I wasn't planning to invite him anyway, no idea why she thinks I would. I've never met the guy. These are the only times i've seen her in 6 months.

To me, she's behaving like a lovesick teenager but i'm wondering if i'm being a brat expecting to still be able to see a friend without a bloke hanging over us. Be gentle please, the reason i'm asking is because I do value our friendship and dont want to lose it!

RockChick1984 Mon 06-Jun-11 04:05:59

Are you sure she doesn't just want you to meet him? I can't imagine not meeting my friend's partner when they had been together 6 months! Could you not meet him on one occasion, then if it continues you would be able to mention it eg 'just wanted it to be the girls' if she offers to invite him again?

SoftKittyWarmKitty Mon 06-Jun-11 14:12:08

I've been in a similar situation. I'm good friends with A and B. I met A through work about 10 years ago and met B through A about 8 years ago. A is married with kids, so the friendship group consisted of one woman in a couple and two single women (I'm a single parent of one).

Most of the time I've known B she was single, as was I. We used to meet up ALL the time, at least once a week if not more, just for a drink or chat. I even used to meet her when I was on maternity leave, after she'd finished work, therefore putting my DS to bed late on those evenings. We all met up together too, but as friend A had a DH and two kids and could only meet up now and again, I met up a lot more with B.

Then about 3 years ago B met someone. From that moment we hardly met up. In the first 6 months or so of her seeing him I never saw her alone. Friend A and friend B started doing couple type things together and I wasn't invited - they even arranged them in front of me without inviting me, which pissed me off no end. Friend B is now married with two kids, has lots of friends at local playgroups etc. To this day I now only see both A and B about once per month. I've got used to not featuring on their radar as much tbh but what pees me off is that if I met someone, you can bet your bottom dollar I'd be invited out/around a lot more. Single people (especially women) are seen as social pariahs sometimes.

The thing is, some people totally focus on their partner when they are with someone, at the expense of their other friends. Only time will tell if your friend is like that or not.

Maybe you could meet up with him and her together so you've at least met him, because for all you know this could be the one and she may be desperate for you both to meet. Then suggest a girls night out or in, maybe go to cinema or a meal with her on her own - maybe suggest doing this monthly? Actions speak louder than words, so if she says 'yes' then keeps making excuses not to go out, you have your answer. But if you make the effort to keep the friendship going, at least you'll know you've done your best.

smearedinfood Mon 06-Jun-11 22:09:53

I'mprobably being harsh, but six months is still early days. You could say something in passing like "I miss our girly get togethers", she'll probably want to chat about her bloke

WillIEverBeASizeTen Mon 06-Jun-11 22:56:12

Hmmm....can identify with this...

Met my friend 12 years ago, she ran an NCT class. Our 2 sons are 3 months apart. She was separated and I was living with a moron and desperately unhappy. We got on really well and became good mates. However, I had a partner (even though completely hopeless) but we managed to keep a friendship going, phone, meet ups etc, but she always had more free time than me.

Throughout this time she had boyfriends but nothing serious. I then split up with DCs Dad and walked straight (6 months later) into another relationship where I was absolutely smitten, however, never forgot my friend. Probably didn't see her quite as much but would still phone/text regularly.

I split from smitten man 3 years later and was truly devastated. My friend coincidentally, had met a chap. And that was that. She wasn't there for emotional support when I needed her but I understood that she was beginning a new relationship so backed off. That was 2 years ago. In that time I moved to a different area (half an hour away) while nursing a broken heart, DS having to move schools, DD going off to UNI so could really have done with her support.

In the last 2 years I have seen her a handful of times (me visiting her) and only texts/calls when she wants something. She has visited me once since I moved and that was 3 weeks ago. I moved in Feb 2010.

I am sincerely pleased she has found someone, she had been on her own for a long time and this chap makes her really happy, but I still think she had space in her life for me. When we met a few weeks back, the relationship had changed so much, I felt I just didn't know her anymore.

You see, people change when they are in love/smitten, and I had never known her when she was in love....

C'est la vie

mrsmcv Tue 07-Jun-11 01:16:50

Nah, you won't lose friendship. If it works out, you might even gain another friend, you never know. If this is her first relationship since being single mum, there's going to be some dodgy moments. You'll be chucking confetti at the wedding/ passing the pizza and tissues if it goes wrong, no matter what happens. As much as I hate to sound like a teenage girl myself, as single mums we know that boys (husbands!) come and go but friends are forever, even if we do have to grit our teeth from time to time. Don't worry, you'll be fine. I love being single. I wouldn't even give my phone number to Johnny Depp but my best friend would run down the aisle like a shot given half the chance, blowing our girly/ family weekends right out of the water. I've known her for 20 years, she's never changed and for that matter, neither have I. Still love her and her kids. Some things are built to last. Good luck duck, be nice to your mate and then rant about her here until things settle down xx

SpongebobsSquarepants Tue 07-Jun-11 06:00:58

Thanks all, I dont really know what to do. Friend and I met as teenagers through a mutual friend and hung around a little bit but after that didn't really have any contact until about eight years ago...the mutual friend was the "main" friend for us both. Over the period that we didn't have much contact we'd actually both become single mums in very similiar circumstances unbeknown to either. We only became close when the main friend had stabbed us both in the back so to speak.

This isn't her first relationship since becoming a single mum but she had been single for a long time. I guess i'm shocked in a way, she's the most independant person I know. I really dont want to bring this up with her...our mutual friend was a complete drama queen and I certainly dont want to give her a whole heap of "poor me, i'm lonely" crap she doesn't need.

Really missing her but i'd never admit it!...and in a way I think if she doesn't realise why I might have backed off then i'm not going to beg for friendship. Am I a stubborn ass? sad

WillIEverBeASizeTen Tue 07-Jun-11 16:09:09

SB I think, like me, you just feel hurt/let down/disappointed. Initially I missed my friend, but I've got used to it now. When she came over a few weeks ago (to pick something of hers up I hasten to add) she spared me 3 hours of her precious time. The boyfriend called and said what time he would be at hers and she left.

Had she not have had to pick up the "thing" I had kindly taken from my old home to my new one because she has no storage space, I doubt she would have bothered coming over at all.

I really am not bothered now one way or the other, I see her, I see her, I don't,I don't. BTW there was lots of other stuff as well, so it's not like I'm being petty.

A good friend is extremely precious and incredibly rare, I guess I don't consider mine either of those. I do sincerely hope you can resolve your issues though...

Good luck xx

smearedinfood Tue 07-Jun-11 17:04:18

go on tell her you miss her...not in a needy way a happy way..

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