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Just need to let it out....

(18 Posts)
newhorizon Wed 01-Jun-11 13:49:06

My ex left me and our four year daughter in January this year and went back to live in the UK. He was engaged to someone else by end of February. They are due to be married later this year. I'm still absolutely heartbroken as is my daughter. He has made no contact since he collected his things in early April and had little or no contact before then. He has just eroded our daughter from his life as if she never existed which is absolutely shameful. You think you know someone!

I'm trying my best to get over this - the rejection is unbelievable. It's been 5 months now, and sometimes it still feels like yesterday. I can't get over the disbelief that someone could be so cruel. I had absolutely no inkling he had another woman on the scene. The worst part of all, she has a daughter and he is prepared to get involved in her life but not his own flesh and blood.

Maintenance was agreed at ?300 per month, but unfortauntely maintenance was only paid for four months, so I have now gone through the dept of maintenance recovery here in Ireland and they will then get the CSA on the case. Hopefully they will do something for us, but apparently it's a long slow process. He oviously feels it's more important to pay for his farce of a wedding.

Thanks for taking the time to read my rant!

cheekeymonkey Wed 01-Jun-11 15:42:52

What a spineless git! You and your DD are better off without him. The best revenge is to move on and forget him. He will eventally probably want contact with your DD and the best thing you can do is show him what he is missing and you don't need him.
OW probably doesn't know it's a ticking clock until he does it to her, if he can do that to his own flesh and blood then her DD won't even make him blink!

What on earth must the OW see in a man that can act this way? Desperate or what?

newhorizon Thu 02-Jun-11 08:51:36

Thank you cheekeymonkey for your words of support. I am trying to move on and know in my head I'm well off out of it. It's just taking longer to move on than I thought. We've been busy with holidays, bbq's, activities etc but in moments on my own - I am finding him creeping into my head and feel sick to the stomach. Hopefully by the end of the year he will be a distant memory.

I don't even know if the OW knows about my DD. It's heartbreaking listening to my DD, she misses him dreadfully but he obviously has no conscience. From what I can gather I think he only knew the OW for 6 weeks before they got engaged. He's in his mid 40's - acting liking a teenager!

PinkCarBlueCar Thu 02-Jun-11 21:25:02

mid 40's? sounds like it's a mid-life crisis that he's allowed to destroy his family and that's going to bite him so hard. Oh dear oh dear. He should've got a ponytail and a motorbike. (No offence to those who like either of those things, but you know what I mean).

By the time he realises how badly he's buggered up his life, you'll be so far along in your "better off without him" new life, that the thoughts you occasionally have about him now will be the dimmest of memories.

suburbophobe Fri 03-Jun-11 12:00:20

Oh I really feel for you! But you WILL get over this!

You know, you can look at this another way, and that is it could've (would've probably) happened further down the line anyway, so be thankful you are rid of this piece of sh*te now so you can start to build up your life again while you and your daughter are still young enough.

He sounds totally pathetic and being engaged so fast and marrying, you know it's not going to be happy ever after, especially if he is refusing to deal with the fallout with his relationship with you. If he hasn't even told OW about his daughter, well, you can imagine how that will be when she finds out!

Maybe some counselling for you to deal with this can help you get back on track faster.
Your name "newhorizon", shows you are already looking ahead! You go girl!

Wishing you and your daughter all the best.

newhorizon Sat 04-Jun-11 19:23:12

Thank you pinkcarblue and suburbophe for your comments, I really appreciate you taking the time.

I feel like such a fool as I had no indication he would act like this - you always hear of other people. My thoughts exactly suburbophobe, better now, because it definately would have happened down the line. I just wish he had done it a couple of years ago when our daughter was two. She is absolutely devastated and keeps asking for him. I have told her daddy is living in the UK and I don't know if he will be back. I have to be honest with her....I don't know what his plans are.

With regard to the OW, I really don't know if she knows about our daughter, very easy to conseal things when you're in a different country and no doubt she's been taken in the way I was - he's a master manipulater and I thought I was street-wise!!

He was a great father and partner, this is the worst of it. She thought the world of him. I just brought her on a sun holiday (on my own - delighted I did it!). We had a great holiday just the two of us, but she was expecting him to come or turn-up...god help her innocence.

I know we are better off without the likes of him, but having to contend with my daughters devastation obviously has made it harder.

I agree suburbophobe, about counselling. I did go for one session when the breakup happened (before the engagement), but didn't feel at the time I needed it. Now I really need to get this loser out of my head, the quicker the better. I feel in a sense I have moved on, but it's just that initial wakening in the morning and thoughts of total disbelief that a person could be so cruel - I just can't get my head around it.

Doowrah Sat 04-Jun-11 22:48:29

I really feel for you, I know of quite a few men who have done this; their capacity to cut ties, switch off and change course is breathtakingly cruel you are not alone in this I am afraid it happens 'often', I know a woman in my town raising her son with the father in the same town who left when DS was 3 moved a couple of rows down new OW, new baby and doesn't even acknowledge her or their son in the street. Shocking...I hope you have family and friends to will be very difficult for your DD but she will adjust and she will cope and thrive with your love, you sound like a great Mum I am sure you will bounce back.

newhorizon Mon 06-Jun-11 09:36:34

Thank you for your comments Doowrah.

I'm lucky in the sense he lives in the UK, so I don't have to see him - god help that poor woman and her child. How can another OW take him on knowing what he has done.

I have just emailed ex asking him for the last time if he wants contact with his daughter. We'll wait and see. I just think this behaviour is shameful.

Riakin Mon 06-Jun-11 12:30:04

Hi new horizon,

I too cannot believe that or how he can have done something like this! It really does beggar belief.

This sort of thing really doesn't happen "often" at all as someone on here has said, far from it in fact.

Have you spoke to your daughter about how she feels? Given the circumstance i would say it will be hard for you not to be bitter towards your ex (he deserves it to some extent) but try not to impose your views onto your daughter. Let her make her own judgements, why not get your daughter to call your ex rather than you?

This might just hit home.

newhorizon Mon 06-Jun-11 14:28:56

Thank you Riakin. My daughter tells me in bed at night how she feels - she really misses him and wants to know when he's coming home. She keeps saying 'I love my daddy', so I reply with daddy loves you too. I have not aired any negative feelings in front of her. I have told her the truth, that daddy lives in the UK and you live here with mammy. Obviously, she dosen't need to know anything else i.e. ow, engagement etc.

She started crying last night and that's when I decided to try one last time. It's really heartbreaking and at times I struggle to hold it together.

Unfortunately, he has changed his phone number, so I don't have it. He obviously didn't feel the need to give it to him. In my heart of hearts, I know he has washed his hands of his daughter, but I had to try one last time for her sake. Hopefully, he still has the same email address.

It really is such a mess. I honestly don't think he has any idea or cares what he has done. My daughter has only turned 4, so she's still very young and confused.

Riakin Mon 06-Jun-11 15:57:35

Hi newhorizon, thanks for the speedy reply.

Don't forget your daughter will naturally and unconditionally still have love for him and thats something that you should respect and appreciate. Regardless of his shortcomings.

I have to say i really feel for you and i can't imagine how he's done it. My daughter is my lifes work and my inspiration.

Try emailing him and saying X (daughter) wants you to know she still loves you etc. You really need hit "men" in places that they hold dear. I think he will still have love for your daughter. Its impossible for him to not have some wonder.

I'm really glad that you are encouraging your daughter and supporting her, thats very good indeed. I know its difficult but you will of course keep it together because thats what Mums do.

He probably does care what he has done, i'll go out on a limb however your are [probably] bang on that he doesn't have any idea what he's done.

Do you even know where in the UK he has gone to live?

newhorizon Tue 07-Jun-11 10:19:13

Thank you for your comments Riakin. I have an idea where he lives in the UK, not the exact address.

I emailed the ex yesterday morning just explaining how upset our daughter is etc. He has emailed back today offering a skype relationship, hasn't said this in so many words but that's what he means. I think my daughter deserves better than this. What kind of a person is he? Do you think a skype relationship is sufficient?

Riakin Tue 07-Jun-11 12:28:46


If you know his round about address that might be a little more helpful when it comes to arranging child support. So far i think or i gather that that seems secondary in regards to him having contact.

If he has emailed back thats a positive start.

With regards to a Skype relationship it is certainly something. Courts in the States certainly encourage "digital" relationships with their child, emails, pictures, skypes and instant messenger services.

I think that it will be sufficient so long as he is prepared to actually have some contact at least once in a while. You are right of course your daughter does deserve better. But from the first step the Skype and her speaking to her Daddy might be the start of the re-kindling.

What kind of person is he? Hmmm i'd be hoping one who soon realises what he's missing out on (aka is daughter).

newhorizon Wed 08-Jun-11 09:51:43

Contact is my main objective. My daughter is just absolutely devastated, so I've agreed to skype but reminded him the Uk is only a 1/2 hour flight away. Hopefully this will fill some of her aching heart. He hasn't confirmed he actually will skype. I think he's hoping I would put a stop to all contact so he can walk away guilt free. I honestly don't think he gives two hoots about his daughter - but I'm not letting him off that easy.

He's no intention of paying maintenance for his child. He's a on a big enough salary but he stopped payment in early April. He's a wedding now to pay for and that's obviously his priority. At least I'm financially independent, but could do with the extra like everyone. Hopefully the CSA will be able to do something for us, but we will have to wait another month. When they do catch up with him, he'll probably just ignore them like he does with most things. Obviously because we are in Ireland, it's not as simple as living in the UK.

Riakin Wed 08-Jun-11 11:46:05

Hi newhorizon,

Good that you aren't letting him walk away from his responsibility. Just make sure that you keep being positive toward your daughter and continue to talk about good times you had with him i.e. trips to the park.

Hmmm, the CSA will catch up to him eventually... if he's PAYE he'll be found.

Good to see that you are primarily focusing on contact. If he is reading emails i'd say from a psychological point of view put in the subject line [Daughters name says hello] then just ask your daughter what she wants to ask her Daddy and tell him about.

Make sure as well you always put in these emails your skype or instant messenger details. If push comes to shove (serious) then at least you;ve got backup to support that you tried to promote contact as so far as reasonably possible (given you live in IRE and him the UK).

Being a high earner a plane flight once in a while wouldn't hurt im sure. I honestly do feel so sorry for you and especially your daughter. Again having a daughter myself i can't understand how someone can just cut her out of their lives.

newhorizon Wed 08-Jun-11 13:16:51

Thanks for your comments Riakin.

He also has our skype address as he used to skype regularly when he was away working.

Hopefully CSA will catch up with him, they have his national insurance number. Then the anomosity will probably start, he'll definately be in contact then, but he left me with not much choice.

Do you know for someone who was a great father and partner - it amazes me how people change overnight....worst of all towards his daughter who he idolised.

Doowrah Sat 11-Jun-11 21:09:52

Hi Riakin, my name is Doowrah and in my experience this does happen quite often perhaps in your experience this does not happen often but please don't negate my experience. newhorizon love your name.

gillybean2 Sun 12-Jun-11 14:02:51

Riakin NRP parents loosing touch with their dc after divorce/separation happens fairly often. I think the statistics are that between 25-50% of dad loose touch with their dc within three years of separation, depending on what research you look at.

For example here it says a third or more and also quotes that "Bradshaw and Millar, 1991) found that 40% of fathers had no contact after two years"
.. look on page 3 for the right hand column which is titled 'How much contact is taking place at the moment?'

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