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Does anyone ever feel so alone that they would rather not carry on?

(19 Posts)
bitofthisandthat Mon 30-May-11 22:01:03

I go through spells of it. My dc go away to their dads most weekends, and sometimes i love this, though at other times i loathe it. I am already on Ads and have been for 4 yrs, have tried counselling but didnt seem to work.

I do see friends as often as i can but most of them have partners and i can tell they just want me to leave them to it most weekends.
I did have a job i loved but it turns out several people were being really nasty behind my back, and it made it impossible to work there any more, so i have just resigned.
So now i have no job and no way of providing for my kids and it makes me feel sick.

I fanatise a lot about being able to die; i know this is not normal but i dont know what else to do. i just feel so alone. My dd is incredibly hard work and she picks up on my misery but i dont know how to stop. Sometimes i up my AD dose stupidly high and i feel really good for a while, but then i have to let it go back to normal and the black feeling returns.

MavisEnderby Mon 30-May-11 22:10:08

Oh sweetheart <<<<hugs>>>>

It is the hardest job in the world being a LP.(have only done it for almost a year)

If you are feeling suicidal please do talk to somebody,like the Samaritans,will find number,and DO keep talking here.You do sound very low atm which is understandable given the job stuff,but DO keep talking people are here and listening xxxxx

I am sure your friends don't REALLY "want you to leave".Good friends will be concerned for you xxx

MavisEnderby Mon 30-May-11 22:13:45

08457909090

Do you have any other support around??

mrscolour Mon 30-May-11 22:15:36

Hun, I'm no expert but I'm sure messing around with your antidepressant doses is not good - when there's a high there's always going to be a low that follows.

Sounds like you really need some counselling.

Perhaps you could try and look at the job situation as a chance for a new start. A chance to try another job and meet some new people. I know it's not that simple but it would be good to try and look for a way forward.

WishIWasRimaHorton Mon 30-May-11 22:18:19

i do know how you feel. i have had thoughts very recently of just 'leaving'. have thought that that way my kids could just be with their dad full-time and i wouldn't have to put them through the hell of being from a 'broken home'. they wouldn't have to face any of the trauma of being torn between mum and dad. and i wouldn't have to face the fact that i can't be the mum i want to be.

i am getting help from a very good counsellor. i am also on a ridiculously high dose of ADs, but i do know that that is not the answer.

can you find a counsellor?

BooBooGlass Mon 30-May-11 22:19:07

I agree not to mess with your AD dose. But also, one piece of advice that was a real revelation to me when it came up in therapy, is that people ar enot mind readers. They probably do not know you are struggling. If you do one thing, please do ask for some help. Or ask someone for some company this weekend. They may assume you have other plans, while you are assumign the same of them. One of the most positive things I've done for myself is to get therapy, but also to be more confident about askign people for htings. Think of how you';d feel if one of your friends was going through this and not telling you. I know I'd always rather know, so I now am honest with other people about hom I'm feeling too.

MavisEnderby Mon 30-May-11 22:24:12

You still there,op???

bitofthisandthat Mon 30-May-11 22:32:41

hi,yes, still here, was trying the Moodscope thing.
Thanks for the help.

My moods are so weird, it can take just one conversation with a friend to cheer me up, or one person to smile at me. But also, it can take a small thing to knock me down again.
The counselling didnt seem to work at the people i spoke to seemed so patronizing, and i would be in floods of tears and not be able to talk properly. They seem intent on blaming my mum for things, and i dont believe her to be at fault, so i get really defensive. True, she doesnt know how to help me and buries her head in the sand, but thats the way she was brought up.

I think most of it comes down to loneliness and blokes just using me recently. I am avoiding men now. i also feel sad and guilty that my ds wants to live with his dad as he is terrified of his sister and doesnt seemed that fussed about me.

bitofthisandthat Mon 30-May-11 22:35:44

Also my confidence has taken such a major bashing; every man i like has rejected me recently- hence me avoiding men now, and i have applied for around 12 jobs and not been invited to interview for a single one. I'm starting to think there is something very wrong with me. My friends dont have a clue that i feel this bad, altho they know i have downers.

MavisEnderby Mon 30-May-11 22:43:30

yousound very low,maybe trip to gp and referral to different counsellor...I'm no expert at all.No idea on the blokes front as have been single since OH died,sorry.I think sometimes its gradually building up confidence to be just you,blokes aside....Re counselling,could your gp refer you to a different one,one that you feel a bit more comfortable with???Not meaning to pry but why is ds terrified of sister??.Have disabled dd and it is difficult with ds having to accomadate her needs too.Very difficult with 2 children with differing needs.Still listening even if am a bit crap help wisesmile

MavisEnderby Mon 30-May-11 22:45:26

Like boo boosaid,could you tell a good friend how you are really feeling?Hard i know but like she said sometimes it is easy to put a brave face on it.

WishIWasRimaHorton Mon 30-May-11 22:49:39

OP - how old are your DCs?

snowmama Mon 30-May-11 22:51:06

Nothing useful to add but just wanted to send you positive vibes...and agree counseling would be a good starting point. Very un-mumsnetty, but have a hug.

bitofthisandthat Mon 30-May-11 22:54:04

dd is a bully and very controlling, she is nearly 12 and ds is 4yrs younger than her. Another issue i am trying and failing to sort out.

corlan Mon 30-May-11 23:17:25

How does your dd behave at school? The school should be able to offer some help for her with social skills or anger management if you ask.

cestlavielife Mon 30-May-11 23:40:50

wanting to die is not normal but is sign you need professional help. and you need to get some better help - to get better . go back to GP.

tell GP how it is.

SoftKittyWarmKitty Tue 31-May-11 13:24:29

I really feel for you OP, it's very, very hard. I too have times of feeling really low but thankfully have never had thoughts of not being here. Definitely go to your GP again. If you think you might get upset at the GPs surgery, print off this thread and take it with you for him/her to read so they understand the issues properly.

In retrospect you might have been better staying in your job until you found another one, because financial worries are not what you need right now - it seems like you've exchanged one problem (bitchy colleagues) for another (money worries). Were the colleagues nasty to your face? If not, how do you know they were saying nasty things? I'm not having a go at you, not at all, just trying to find out what led to you resigning. Keep applying for jobs, the right one will come along.

As for the men, it sounds like you could do with some time out from dating. Men (and women, for that matter) easily pick up when someone is low and maybe has reduced self esteem, and some will either avoid someone with those issues or take advantage of them. Best to be single until you feel stronger in yourself.

Good luck.

evolucy7 Tue 31-May-11 21:39:56

Perhaps a change of anti-depressants may help, don't they have different chemicals that work in slightly different ways, (well that is what I thought but could be wrong) so I agree go back to your GP and explain how you feel, he may think it's a good idea to try something else.

bitofthisandthat Wed 01-Jun-11 13:03:04

hey, thanks for the advice, and feeling good today.

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