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Inappropriate actions

(44 Posts)
slinkynunu Sat 28-May-11 12:16:47

Hi there im new to this but want to ask a question to all you mums out there,
Would you let your children sleep the bed with someone who is not family, knowing the children had there own beds yes or no

GypsyMoth Sat 28-May-11 12:21:01

its not a yes or no answer.....more info needed

slinkynunu Sat 28-May-11 12:30:12

Well its a very long story but to cut it short, my girlfriends ex husband thought it was ok to put his three small children in the same bed as his boss, i cant really get round my head why a 48 year old man would want to do that.
social services and the police said its not a criminal offence even if this man had the intent to groom, is it us being over protective or is this really inappropriate i think this law has to be changed to protect our children

gillybean2 Sat 28-May-11 12:30:52

Yes more info needed. Childrens ages, who this 'non family' member is in relation to them (presumably some kind of extended relation if the dc also have their own beds in the same house..?) and in what circumstances they are going to the other person's bed while having their own bed yet there's no 'family' there...

slinkynunu Sat 28-May-11 12:34:48

Me and my girlfriend where the ones who had social services round to us to check the kids are happy and healthy, the ex husband and the man in question have not even been questioned, we have now got our MP involved as we feel like we have been discriminated, when we were the ones who was concerned enough to report it.

slinkynunu Sat 28-May-11 12:38:46

I have spoken to many organizations including the nspcc, they are outraged, they have a four page fact sheet on grooming, this strange man not only slept in the same bed but showered her children while her ex husband was in the kitchen making a coffee, all this has come from the children not us one 9 one 7 one 3.

gillybean2 Sat 28-May-11 12:45:09

Am a bit confursed by your posts and who's who here.
Are you are the NP of your girlfriiend? And her ex husband put his dc in bed with his boss while they were visiting him?
This 'boss' you refer to is a man or a woman?
Why did the dc get put in the bosses bed? Was this bed at the ex husband's house? Was the boss actually in it as well? Where was the dad at the time?

slinkynunu Sat 28-May-11 13:11:49

We are a female gay couple, my girlfriends ex husband started to share his two bedroom place with his boss, which no one told this to my girlfriend, the boss is a male and they are not gay or a couple, her ex husband allowed his children to sleep in the bosses bed while he was in his bed in the other room, the children told us that this jon cuddled up to them in bed and kept them warm, we asked where was daddy and they said in his own room, there was no good reason for this man to have my girlfriends children in his bed, all the mums and female friends i have spoken to, cannot believe that this is not criminal, the police told us that he hasnt touched them so its exceptable.

slinkynunu Sat 28-May-11 13:13:48

And as for the showering why would your ex husband let there boss shower the children when he was there to shower them.

PaisleyLeaf Sat 28-May-11 13:19:49

So the ex husband and the boss aren't a couple sharing a bed?
You know I'd be uncomfortable too. It does sound an odd set up.

slinkynunu Sat 28-May-11 13:29:17

No there there not a couple they both have girlfriends, well thanks for that because i think its very odd but the law dont, our children have to be touched and traumatised before the law will do anything, we feel very angry that we got questioned for reporting them, but they haven been questioned for the act

slinkynunu Sat 28-May-11 13:33:11

We will take this issue as far as we can because its not just these children we are worried about, but other peoples that come in contact with this kind of thing.

GypsyMoth Sat 28-May-11 14:13:17

what kind of thing? no crime has been comitted,but i would want to know more about the circumstances of a. the showering and b. the bed sharing

you said in first post the children have their own beds there......so in a 2 bed house,where are the 3 extra beds for the children?

what reason has the dad given? what are the legal access arrangements?

gillybean2 Sat 28-May-11 15:15:25

I'm still confused. As ILove Tiff says where are their beds then if they have their own beds at the place (as you posted they had tehir own beds there)? It <sounds> like the dc were put in the spare room bed, which now happens to be the boss/flat mates room. And it sounds that it is one bed now ratehr than separate beds for them if the 'boss' is using it as his room.

Are you sure he got in bed with them and wasn't just tucking them in and yes possibly giving them a cuddle to keep warm or sitting in bed with them while reading a story? Where there perhaps comments about it being his bed because it is usually his room when they are not there which you've taken to mean he was sleeping in it with them...?

Of course you want to ensure the dc are protected, and you should be having strong words with their father about this and the appropriateness or not of it and voice your concerns. But you've jumped ahead a heck of a long way really from something that may cause concern to assuming the very worst. Most groomers wouldn't be so obvious about it and take their time building up a relationship.

gillybean2 Sat 28-May-11 15:17:28

If you are concerned about this man can you ask for a poilce check on him? I thought you could now ask if people who come into contact with your dc are on the sex offends register.
What has the ex husband said in response to all this? Or did you just go straight to SS?

slinkynunu Sat 28-May-11 20:52:56

We did do a police check on this man, but as you know not all offenders are registered, and the husband cant seem to see what is wrong with it.

slinkynunu Sat 28-May-11 20:58:03

Well it turns out in this mans bedroom are two single beds in which he place together so the kids could be under his blanket and the kids told social services and the police what happened, this has not come out of our mouths but the childrens, it was the 7 year old that told the police everything, we didnt even know about the showering until the police told us what the 7 year old told him.

slinkynunu Sat 28-May-11 21:02:43

Hi there, its a two bedroom wooden hut 1 bedroom for the dad and was ment to be 1 for the three children, but we found out that the ex husbands boss is lodgeing there and never thought of telling my girlfriend this, so the childrens father has a double bed in his room and the boss has two single beds which he placed together so it became a double for the kids to sleep in, what we cant understand is why he didnt keep the two single beds apart and just top and tailed the kids, not place them in bed with him.

slinkynunu Sat 28-May-11 21:05:04

Hi there, its a two bedroom wooden hut 1 bedroom for the dad and was ment to be 1 for the three children, but we found out that the ex husbands boss is lodgeing there and never thought of telling my girlfriend this, so the childrens father has a double bed in his room and the boss has two single beds which he placed together so it became a double for the kids to sleep in, what we cant understand is why he didnt keep the two single beds apart and just top and tailed the kids, not place them in bed with him.

BooBooGlass Sat 28-May-11 21:05:35

hmm

Haecceity Sat 28-May-11 21:06:59

So your partner's children slept in the bed with their father's employer. He also showered the children. The children have their own beds at their father's house, but slept in with this boss?

It really doesn't matter what the circumstances or what the intention - it is totally inappropriate for children to sleep in the bed with their father's boss and for him to shower them. There's no reason for it and there is no justification for it. It is just - inappropriate! I can't believe that anyone could think otherwise and am shocked that the police do not think it is inappropriate!

I trust that the children will not be staying overnight with their father again, until this is sorted out and it can be guaranteed that he will not be allowing his children to share a bed with his boss or allow his boss to shower them?

Haecceity Sat 28-May-11 21:10:52

oh. x-posts. So the children don't have their own beds there?

They should have slept in their father's room, who should have slept on the sofa.

This is a truly bizarre situation and I cannot believe that social services are not jumping all over it. It has red flags which would surely require action?

Anyway, don't allow the children to go there again, make him take you to court, and when you get to court, explain the situation, including the totally bizarre and baffling non reaction from the police etc that surely goes against all guidelines

PinkCarBlueCar Sat 28-May-11 21:22:44

I'm pretty sure all offenders are registered, but if this man hasn't come to the attention of the Police then nothing would show up on the checks they can do.

That said, what the fuck is the Dad thinking in this? If he knew about it before it happened, then he's enabling this inappropriate weirdness (which smacks of grooming).

OP, did you answer the question about what he's said about this?

PinkCarBlueCar Sat 28-May-11 21:24:21

Er, wooden hut?

gillybean2 Sat 28-May-11 21:33:03

Dad should put the dc in his room in his bed and he should be sharing the single beds with the boss/flatmate.

You still haven't said what he has to say on the matter though, other than he can't see what's wrong with it...?

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