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Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Lone parents

ex manipulating DD

43 replies

mrscolour · 21/05/2011 16:26

Me and ex split up in February. Everything is very messy as mediation fell apart this week as he would not accept any of the proposed financial settlements and is trying to make out I'm being unreasonable about access as well.

Since we split, he has been manipulating 4 year old DD to get his own way. The minute he left he told her he was getting his own place and would get beds so she could stay with him and said mummy would get her own place "eventually" (me and kids living at mum and dad's at mo) without explaining properly to he where she would live. Once he found somewhere to rent (we were both still liable for the mortgage on another property at this point btw) he told her she was staying over and I had to give in and let her stay. I know I would have had to let her stay eventually but I didn't like the way she was being put in the middle of this decision.

Ex is Irish his family all still live there and they rarely came to visit us. Now DD is asking me when we're going to Ireland and see her auntie. It's obvious that he's put this idea in her head as she's never asked this before and when she got her presents from his family at Christmas she couldn't actually remember who they were. He obviously also hadn't explained that he planned to take them without me!

At mediation this week he brought up the issue of taking the children over to Ireland which I wasn't surprised about after what DD has been saying. I really don't want him to take them there - I think it's too far away from me, DS (just turned 2) hasn't had overnights with his dad yet, the children don't really know his family as they've only seen them once a year and when we did visit they didn't pay children much attention anyway, I have worries about how he would cope with the journey with the 2 of them and I'd also have worries about their welfare whilst there were there - who would look after them if their dad was asked to help on the farm and dd is really scared of the dogs.

So I wish there was something I could do to stop him promising her things that we haven't agreed yet. She has enough to get her little head around at the moment.

I'm also thinking that the only way he'd be able to take them would be to get a specific issue order and he probably wouldn't be able to get this in place before the summer holidays anyway. Anyone got any experience of this sort of thing.

OP posts:

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GypsyMoth · 21/05/2011 16:33

the only way your dc are going to get used to this whole situation is to leave them to it....he's the dad. she's 4. old enough.

why would he need a specific issues order to take her on holiday to see her own extended family?? are you thinking of trying to stop them then?

Pictish · 21/05/2011 16:35

He's her dad, and as such may take her to Ireland to visit his family if he likes. Sorry.

GypsyMoth · 21/05/2011 16:38

what is his access at the moment?

mrscolour · 21/05/2011 16:38

He can't legally take them outside of England and Wales without me agreeing - that includes N Ireland. And yes I am going to stop them and I'm not going to apologise for that - I would have very genuine concerns about their welfare!

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GypsyMoth · 21/05/2011 16:39

what concerns about welfare??

mrscolour · 21/05/2011 16:40

His access is every Saturday including an overnight for DD and Thursday evening's for tea.

OP posts:

Pictish · 21/05/2011 16:41

What are your concerns?

mrscolour · 21/05/2011 16:46

Concerns about welfare:
Kids not used to being away from me for more than a night at a time.
8 hour journey with a parent who can barely cope with them for a day.
Kids being left alone while their dad has to help on farm.
Kids being scared at being in a house with relatives they barely know and with dogs.

I know it may sound a bit unreasonable to an outsider to prevent children visiting their family but his family have hardly made any effort to be involved in the children's lives and it really has to be seen to be believed.

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 21/05/2011 16:50

kids will get used to it the more they do it!!!
if he couldnt cope with them then he wouldnt be taking on extra responsibility
no family for kids to stay with on the farm?
kids will get to know relatives....and dogs....

they have made no effort previously? or have you put them off by being hostile towards them,a bit like you are being here??

if this is going through court then be prepared for a bit of a shock!!

GypsyMoth · 21/05/2011 16:51

the only real concern there is the being left alone.....which i'm sure if questioned on,your ex will find a solution for

Pictish · 21/05/2011 16:52

Ok well...your concerns as you list them, are really just excuses aren't they?

I maintain what i said in my first post. He's her dad. I don't think you'll find you are supported in your 'concerns' if you are to legally attempt to stop them.

There is no hint of maltreatment, neglect or abuse going on here at all.

You just want to be in charge....but you can't - he is her father.

Pictish · 21/05/2011 16:54

Tiffany - she means being left with relatives she doesn't know....not alone.

This is a nonsense - it really is.

ChocHobNob · 21/05/2011 16:56

You have a couple of months to build up the contact so they are used to being away from you for longer than a couple of days.

Unless you have evidence of him being incapable or neglectful you should respect him as their parent and trust him to look after them.

I think you're being unreasonable, sorry.

This makes me sad as my H's family are desperate to get to know their Granddaughter and her Mother is not allowing it. She will never get used to her family or get to know them if she's never allowed to spend any time with them.

GypsyMoth · 21/05/2011 16:57

oh,i see

well having been through the court system myself,and picking up a lot on the way,i really doubt that court will stop this

he is already having some regular contact,how about increasing it so they get more used to spending more and more time with dad....that will then erase at least one of your 'welfare concerns' wont it?

re post this in legal....solicitors there can give their take on it

mrscolour · 21/05/2011 17:05

Why do the children have to be taken 100s of miles from their home to have a relationship with family who can't be bothered to come and see them?

Sorry if I come across as being hostile but you have not had to endure the cold relationship I have had from his family.

OP posts:

Pictish · 21/05/2011 17:06

Because their father has decided to. It's not your decision.

ChocHobNob · 21/05/2011 17:08

Because their family live hundreds of miles away and their father wants to take them. Why punish your children and stop them from having a holiday to Ireland because you don't like your ex in-laws?

mrscolour · 21/05/2011 17:26

Not going to bother to try and explain any more. You have obviously made up your mind about me!

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jufa · 21/05/2011 17:27

Seems you are being given a slightly rough time on here by some of the comments (some of whom presumably being made by fathers seeing things from the other perspective). I can understand that if your 2 year old (so a baby really) has never had so much as an overnight stay with your ex you would have concerns about him taking you dc to Ireland to stay in an unfamiliar place with unfamiliar people. I think an overnight stay with him on his own would be appopriate as a starting point building up so that you/the dc AND their father have confidence about the situation and a possible future holiday in Ireland.

jufa · 21/05/2011 17:28

And you are NOT coming across as hostile!

GypsyMoth · 21/05/2011 17:29

well if they run a farm i would imagine its difficult to leave it to visit England!!

mrscolour · 21/05/2011 17:32

Thank you jufa!

I am not saying they will never go to Ireland with him. It's just not something I want them rushed into this summer.

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ChocHobNob · 21/05/2011 17:35

I don't think anyone has said anything too harsh have they? Seriously? IMO it's a little unfair to dismiss people who has disagreed with the OP as a father with their own agenda. I'm sure anyone could understand the feelings and concern surrounding being separated from your children when they are abroad, particularly with people you don't particular care for ... But sometimes it's hard to put your feelings aside and think just about the children and the fact they may well be absolutely fine for a few days with their Dad and have a great time.

It must be difficult when you do not have a very good relationship with the ex.

The OP has only been separated since February though. Surely the father lived with the children before that? It's not like the 2 year old has never slept in the same house as him?

mrscolour · 21/05/2011 17:41

It's not about my feelings towards my ex in-laws. When we have visited together before the split the children have been scared and clung to me much of the time. If I really thought they were ready for a visit without me I would let them go but I really don't.

OP posts:

ChocHobNob · 21/05/2011 17:44

I hope you get some responses from people who have dealt with this kind of situation and got the results you hope for. Good luck

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